Tuesday, November 30, 2010

We Need To Make Everything Wireless.


Every time I go to plug something in, I ask myself:  Is it really worth the hassle of untangling the power cord?  Don't sit there and judge me.  You've had the same thought.  Whenever my cell phone dies, I weigh the importance of being in touch with society against the anger I will soon feel from untwisting the tiny charging cord from a writhing ball of junk cables.  Yes, I keep all of my cords in one place.  Why bother separating them?  I'd probably forget where they are and then be super shit out of luck.

Monday, November 29, 2010

What A Terrorist Is and What A Terrorist Isn't.

And we were just starting to make some progress.
Thanks, Rufio.  

Prompted by the recent "attack" in Oregon, I've decided that it's about time we get one thing straight about terrorists.  The dictionary definition of "terrorist" is not "someone who practices Islam".  It never has been, and it never will be.  Here are two definitions straight from the dictionary:
1) A person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
2) A person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Gay Marriage. Don't like it? Don't get one.

If homosexuals are demons in disguise, then what does
that make a hate-filled, ignorant asshole such as yourself? 

I've had about enough of this stupid, drawn out argument.  There is no reason why homosexual men and women cannot get married.  None.  The definition of marriage means nothing, and neither does the out-of-context passage in your old book.  Just the same, there is no reason why gay couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt either.  Recent studies have proven that children raised by gay parents not only grow up to be exceptional human beings, they are generally more well-behaved.  Oh, what's that?  You'd rather a kid grow up in a shelter?  Or on the street?  Or in a home where the father abuses the mother on a nightly basis?  I see your point- at least he won't grow up to be gay.  By the way, child molesters, murderers, and hardcore drug dealers are allowed to get married and have kids.  You don't see anyone stopping them.  Are gay parents really that bad?  (Hint: The answer is No.)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Crazy Person of 2010!

Congratulations!  You've had a complete mental
break from reality!  

Actor Michael Brea- yes, the Michael Brea of Step Up 3D and Ugly Betty fame (lolz)- is officially the craziest person of 2010.  I know I said I'd only do one post a day, but I couldn't hold off on this one any longer without it becoming old news.  

Between the night of the 22nd and the early morning of the 23rd, something in this actor's head disconnected itself from the real world and plugged itself in to the magical realm of fantasy land.  He confronted his 55 year old mother in the apartment they shared together and then held her hostage with a sword.  I've heard that it was a samurai sword, and I've heard that it was a ceremonial Freemason sword.  Take your pick.

Black Friday, Part Two- The Aftermath.

"So much death... what can men do against such reckless hate?"

Black Friday came and went.  Amongst the slashed prices and now abandoned retail outlets, there lies several tales of psychotic, energy drink fueled shoppers harming one another.  How could that possibly be funny?

Answer: The mere fact that people are willing to kill over a sale at Wal-Mart causes me to question my faith in mankind.  I scoured the interwebz to find some of the headlines for yesterday's Black Friday madness.  Here are some of the articles that stood out the most:

Friday, November 26, 2010

Ten Movies I Would Rather Scoop My Eyes Out With A Rusty Spoon Than Watch Again.

This looks like it could do the trick...

I hope my American readers enjoyed their Thanksgiving!  Now let's get back in the swing of things with my own personal Top Ten list of awful movies.  I will, of course, list these in no particular order, as they all deserve the honor of to rotting in the very depths of Hell.  If given a choice between sitting through these and a rusty spoon, I'd go with the spoon.  Oh, and one more thing before I begin.  These are all movies that I have seen.  Yes, there are worse movies out there, but I think I'm pretty good at avoiding most of them.  These ones slipped by... although one of them I knew would be awful.  

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Black Friday, Part One- The Quiet Before The Storm.

Let's get things started with an amazingly awesome Black Friday video courtesy of the one and only Saturday Night Live.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

RAGE POST- Isn't It A Bit Early To Reboot The Spider-Man Movies?

He looks so uncomfortable... does the Spider-Man costume
have a stretchy neck because this guy looks part giraffe.

Meet your new Peter Parker, actor Andrew Garfield.  You might know him from such classics as The Social Network, two episodes of Doctor Who from 2007, and the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.  But if you're like me, you probably have no fucking clue who this guy is.   

Sony Pictures is already rebooting the very well done Spider-Man series that was directed by Sam Raimi and had Toby Maguire as the web-slinging superhero.  I have to know though... isn't this a bit too soon for a reboot?  I mean, sure, the Hulk movie was rebooted in less time with Edward Norton, but lets face it, the first one was like watching cats scratch a chalk board for two hours.

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Must Be Stopped.

"LOLZ!  We r so funny!"
"OMFG!  I no rite!"

This isn't really one of those "let me convince you of this" posts.  Frankly, after I list these guys cinematic "accomplishments", I won't need to convince you of anything.  You'll be on my side from the get go.

If you don't know who JF and AS are, they are writers and directors of Hollywood movies that somehow manage to get greenlit.  See if you recognize these awful movies, which I have listed for you in chronological order from oldest to newest:

Monday, November 22, 2010

A Little Advice For Lindsay Lohan.

Remember her when she wasn't a coked up whore?
...Neither do I.

3D Blogz! They're All The Rage Now!

Darth Vader iz so kewl now lol

If you aren't wearing your 3D glasses, don't read this post.  Seriously, it will be so blurry that your eyes will cross and then explode out of your head.  I'm kidding of course.  And despite the sillyosity (pronounced "sil-ee-os-city" and yes, I made it up) of the Vader picture, I didn't choose it at random.  You see, George Lucas has exciting news for you!  For the third time, the original Star Wars trilogy will be released into theaters, followed by the second debut of the newer three movies, in DOLBY DIGITAL 3D!  HOLY SHIT.  I'll give you a second to change your pants, as I'm sure you just pissed them in excitement.

Yup, in 2012, the first of them will hit theaters (A New Hope or A Phantom Menace... not sure what the order is yet) and totally blow your mind.  Because, you know... all movies that are converted into 3D after being filmed not in 3D totally rock socks.  

Sunday, November 21, 2010

"M" Rated Games Do Not Turn Your Kids Into Psychopathic Murderers

Now that's parenting.

This argument has been going on for far too long, and it doesn't take a college degree to know that the connection between M-Rated video games and human-on-human violence is tenuous at best.

I have never played a video game and thought to myself, "Wow.  I want to recreate this shit in real life.  Where can I find a rifle that fires bolts of super-heated plasma?"  Or, "I need a new Mustang.  Tomorrow, I'm totally going to carjack some bitches while they are stopped at a red light."  Why?  Because I am a functioning human being, with a firm connection to reality.  Most people that take games seriously snapped long before they picked up the controller.  But for some reason, the opponents of violent games don't notice that.  They see the aggression depicted by fictional graphics on a television screen, and jump to blame the creators.   

Saying Mel Gibson is a Christian is Like Saying Cancer is Good For You.

"Shh...I'm crazy..."

There are a couple points I want to prove here and, luckily for me, Mr. Gibson is going to do most of the speaking for me.  A lot of people have heard about the enraged phone conversation he had with his wife, but not a lot of people have taken the time to read through it.  The following print is lifted from this website.  It's a transcript of Mel's second angry phone call to his wife.  I have taken the liberty of uncensoring it because it helps me prove my point, and we're all adults here.  Also, I'm not the one saying the words, so I get off the hook when it comes to typing such hateful speech.  

Saturday, November 20, 2010

In Twenty Years, The Christmas Season Will Start In March.

The Pilgrims are about to be given a life sentence on the naughty list.
You know... because of the genocide thing.

There are two things I want to touch on in this particular post, and I will make it as brief as possible.  My first point is this:  Christmas should not start, in any way, shape, or form, until the clock strikes midnight at the end of Thanksgiving Day (for my non- U.S. readers, let's say November 25th).

And really, this goes for all holidays.  We only need a month of preparation.  There is no need to end Valentine's Day, only to see Easter shit up the next day. It's depressing to know that I will never stop spending money for holiday gifts.  

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Cast of Jersey Shore Should Be Sterilized.

Finally, an MTV show for people with Oompa-Loompa fetishes.

 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of you reading my blog persistently, and even most of you random blog readers, would curb stomp each and every member of the Jersey Shore crew if you could get away with it.  I'm talking cast, cameramen, producers...even the guys that thought this show would be a good idea.

Stressed Out Moms. Causing Awkward Public Situations Since Forever.

You try to ignore it, but somehow it's just impossible.

Picture the following scene:  You're in the grocery store, walking down the tasty treats aisle and thinking about picking up some Double Stuf Oreos.  You normally don't indulge, but they are on sale for $2 instead of the usual $4.  Seriously.  Who pays $4 for Oreos?  I mean sure, they're "double stuf" but the extra filling can't cost Nabisco that much, can it?  

Woah, off track there.  So you're looking the Oreos and wondering if the deliciousness is worth walking around with black cookie chunks between every single goddamn tooth in your mouth all day, when a shopping cart turns the corner about twenty feet from you.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Public Service Announcement: The Word "Irregardless".

Hello.  My name is Shaun, and I am here to talk to you about a disastrous plague that is sweeping the English language- people that say "irregardless" in conversations, or in writing.  Some of you know it as "Never Learned It" syndrome.  Others know it as "It's fun to Say"-itis.  But the scientific term for it is Ignorance.  The dictionary defines Ignorance as a "lack of knowledge, information, or education".  In other words, people that say "irregardless" are extremely stupid.

REVIEW- The Walking Dead on AMC.

I've decided to take a quick break from the political stuff to bring you my review of the new AMC television show The Walking Dead.  I had to say, before this show premiered on Halloween, I was a bit skeptical of it.  A zombie show?  On AMC?  It was a clear recipe for disaster.  It wasn't going to be brutal enough for the true zombie lovers, and it probably was going to have a real shitty storyline.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

An Educated Hypothesis About Sarah Palin.

Ever since John McCain announced that Sarah Palin was his nomination to be his Vice President for the 2008 election, I've been wondering something. How is she so fucking stupid?  I've cleaned smarter things out of my cat's litter box.

But today I had a realization: maybe she isn't stupid at all.  Maybe there is something hidden here.  Something that she doesn't want us to know.  So I did some digging on the interwebz and I have come to a startling conclusion.

Things You Shouldn't Do In A Movie Theater.

This guy can't wait to go see a movie.  He's fuckin' pumped.

I've always been a firm believer when it comes to the idea that people should have fun and enjoy themselves when they go to their local movie theater.  There is no need to be angry, violent, sarcastic, or pissy.  I will admit, I haven't been employed for long at the movie theater I work at (who's name I will not say for privacy reasons), but in the almost six months I've been there, I've seen some horrifying shit.

So, in an effort to at least curtail some of this stupidity, I give you the following list of things you shouldn't do in the movie theater, as well as tips to make your viewing experience tons o' fun.  Because I am an organizational freak, I have put them into sub-categories depending on where you are in the theater.  We all set?  Here we go then.

Late Night Thought: Bill O'Reilly is an Asshole.

"What? Nobody bothered to make shit up for me for tonight's show?  Fuck it!  
I'll do it live!"
Being the night owl I am, I suddenly had the inspiration to write a short little summary of why Fox News' poster boy is such an asshole. 

Hopping on to Google to make sure I wasn't going to steal anything from anybody, I quickly discovered that I had been beaten to the punch by thousands of people. 
There is nothing I can say about Bill O'Reilly that hasn't been said before.  In fact, there is literally a website called http://www.oreilly-sucks.com.  Way to outshine my blog post, anonymous overachiever.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Invasion of the Body Scanners.

I hope she made sure the safety was turned on before she stuck that
piece down her ass crack...

Unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure you all know about the new body scanners being implemented at the major U.S. airports.  The above image is a test image from the Transportation Security Administration, demonstrating what the body scanner is capable of seeing.  The following image is what the scanner looks like from the outside.

Michael Bay is the Worst Director of All Time.

 "If digital effects were a woman, I'd have
non consensual sex with her."

The title really doesn't lie.  Type in "Michael Bay is" into the google search bar, and it immediately tries to finish your line of thought with these sweet and tasty gems:

-Michael Bay is a douche
-Michael Bay is the devil
-Michael Bay is a hack
-Michael Bay is a racist

Monday, November 15, 2010

The First Post.

This should be the sign out front of Fox News.  I swear, their viewers
wouldn't even notice it.

Ever wonder why people do the crazy shit they do?  Or say?  I know I do.  I've been roaming this beautiful planet of ours for almost 21 years now, and I can easily say that the majority of humankind is psychotic.  I have to admit, sometimes I enjoy it.  There is a special place in my heart reserved for people that ask stupid questions, and say stupid things.  But there is, I think, a fine line between those people, and the others.