Monday, July 25, 2011

Battle: Oak Park, Michigan.

Just look at all of those vegetables... disgusting.

It's time to look at America under the microscope.  I'll warn you: it's going to get pretty goddamn ugly.  Think about your idea of germs.  They're nasty, sure, but since you can't see them, they just kind of become a (figurative) figment of your imagination.  Put some germs under a high powered electromagnetic microscope, and they suddenly become very real.  You'll be having nightmares for weeks.  

America is like that.  Vaguely sputtering off concerning issues isn't attracting as much attention as I'd like it to.  It's like explaining the concept of germs to an adult who has never heard about them.  It's a bit unbelievable without proof.  So here.  Take this fucking microscope with the map of the U.S. where the slide should be, and let's zoom in on Oak Park, Michigan for a moment.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

America's New Goal - Failing.

"Today's word is: Under-appreciated."

As frequent readers know, I have a bit of a bias towards educators in America.  How could I not?  For some strange reason, I'm studying to be a high school teacher myself (don't worry, parents, the stuff you find on this blog will be left at the door of my classroom).

Despite the ass-reaming Wisconsin teachers received at the hands of their state legislature, I have not changed majors.  Despite the continuing cuts to education at both the state and federal level, I have not changed majors.  No, no, don't praise me.  I'm no hero.  I'm clearly just a glutton for punishment.  Why do I, personally, stay in?  I'll quote one of the professors at my college - "You can either be on the front lines of the fight, or you can watch from the sidelines as teachers become more and more ostracized with each passing year."  

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Did That Really Just Happen?

From left to right: Eric Cantor, John Boeh - wait, you know what?
Who gives a shit?  Let's just call them the guys that fucked us.

Around 8:15 P.M. eastern time last night, I watched as the House of Representatives passed the "Cut, Cap, and Balance Act."  Whoops, sorry!  Did I say House of Representatives?  I mean the Republicans in the House of Representatives.  In an almost pure-party line vote, the Republicans used their majority to pass their economic recovery "plan" which, if you look into it, is not so much as a recovery plan as it is a masterfully crafted shit-storm of blame.  It's almost as though the Republicans leaders consulted with Lord Voldemort, Darth Vader, Sauron, Lex Luthor, Satan, and (perhaps) Rupert Murdoch over the weekend and devised this brilliant piece of legislature.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

"The Undefeated"... Unfortunately.

A lot of people that support Sarah Palin like to argue that those that do not support her are sexist, ignorant liberals that believe nothing but what the media tells them.  I am, however, under the belief that it isn't sexism or ignorance that guides us anti-Palinists; rather, it's the strong smell of bullshit and the overwhelming sense of stupidity that radiates from the emptiness of her skull that cause us to keep our distance.  

The fact that she is a woman means nothing.  I could care less if she were androgynous, transgender, male, or even a hermaphrodite.  Sex aside, what remains a constant is her blinding lack of knowledge and her idiotic, misinformed statements that pander to the right.  Liberals don't like Palin not because she is a woman, but because it is sickeningly obvious that she has absolutely no fucking clue what she is talking about.  If you want examples, you don't have to look far.  Palin's now infamous story of Paul Revere was the laughing stock of the American History departments in schools country-wide for weeks. She claims that she has more experience running government than the incumbent president, yet her resume consists of a half term as governor, some city council work, and a "correspondent/pundit" for Fox News.  Oh, shit, someone hire that woman immediately.  She sounds like she could really fix the economy with all that pundit training.  

Monday, July 18, 2011

Demopocalypse - Part IV...and V... and VI...and VII.

So... I made an "oopsie" when I said that I'd be doing seven posts in a row about the Democratic party, in that I hadn't actually planned out what each day would be devoted to.  I am very happy with the three posts I have so far and will, in fact, treat you all to one more good'un before this is all said and done.  Honestly, there are too many delicious news items to feast on.  Here I am digging up dirt on Democrats I don't particularly care for, while Michele Bachmann's husband is accused of running a clinic that "turns" gay men straight, and a British tabloid run by the owner of Fox News is obliterated overnight due to a hacking scandal.

Regardless, I promised two sentences ago that I'd deliver one more for you, and I decided to deliver it in the form of a curve ball.  Heads up!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Demopocalypse - Part III.

On day one of Demopocalypse, I focused on Anthony Weiner's career-crushing life choices.  On day two, I turned my gaze towards the entire democratic party and condemned them for their spinelessness.  What, I wonder, shall I talk about today?

Oh!  I know!  How about another man that makes poor decisions involving his penis?  No, not Bill Clinton...

"This November, vote for John Edwards.  White guy.  White name."

Yes, John Edwards.  I first heard about him in 2004 when then-presidential candidate John Kerry picked him for his VP slot.  Your humble, naive young writer clearly remembers watching the press conference and wondering, "Who the fuck is John Edwards?"  Unbeknownst to me, I would find out more about him than I cared to know in the coming years, culminating in a shocking revelation not too long ago - that the National Enquirer got something kind of right.  

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Demopocalypse - Part II.

You, sir, are correct.

This post will be brief and not cover a specific politician, but rather a trait of the entire democratic party.  What is that, you ask?  Well, when comparing the republicans and the democrats, one thing in particular stands out: how soft-spoken the democrats are.

And by "soft-spoken", I mean complete and utter pussies.  The political sphere is brutal, and there simply is no room for the "let's all play nice and compromise" attitude that the democrats repeatedly try to bring to the table.  Republicans are bombastic, loud, and always act like someone is behind them, slowly shoving a stick up their ass.   Look what happened in 2008!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Demopocalypse - Part I.

I've spent the last week or so perusing through some of my older posts (I'm fucking hilarious, by the way), and it quickly came to my attention that there is a severe lack of democrat bashing going on.  It also helped when a good friend of mine said, "Hey, when are you going to make fun of the democrats?"

I want to make it very clear that for all the republican hating I do, I dislike the democrats just as much.  I'm a liberal, yes, but I'm also an anti-political party kind of guy.  I agree with our first president - the party system will be the downfall of this country.

So, to make it up to my readers, I am going to take the next seven days to showcase the democrats I really can't stand, and reasons why the entire party makes me want to crawl into a hole with a hand grenade.  Who (or what) is first?  Well, let's start with a dick:

Goddamn it, not literally.