Saturday, November 20, 2010

In Twenty Years, The Christmas Season Will Start In March.

The Pilgrims are about to be given a life sentence on the naughty list.
You know... because of the genocide thing.

There are two things I want to touch on in this particular post, and I will make it as brief as possible.  My first point is this:  Christmas should not start, in any way, shape, or form, until the clock strikes midnight at the end of Thanksgiving Day (for my non- U.S. readers, let's say November 25th).

And really, this goes for all holidays.  We only need a month of preparation.  There is no need to end Valentine's Day, only to see Easter shit up the next day. It's depressing to know that I will never stop spending money for holiday gifts.  

By all means, the day after Thanksgiving, go crazy with the Christmas stuff.  Run down your street naked with mistletoe over your crotch, elf shoes on your feet, and a peppermint candy cane sticking out from between your ass cheeks for all I care.  But if I hear one more Christmas carol before my belly is stuffed with delicious turkey meat, I'm going to flip out.  The music should be fun, not a chore, and played for roughly 30 days instead of two entire months.  By the time the 20th of December rolls around, I'm ready to beat Santa and Rudolph to death with the Little Drummer Boy's drumsticks.    

How do you think Christmas in November would make the Pilgrims and the Native Americans feel, huh?  Imagine them trying to enjoy a peaceful dinner, only to have some fat guy in a red outfit sit down and start talking louder than everyone else at the table.  He'd then go on and on and on about the twelve days of Christmas and his flea-infested reindeer until Squanto finally snaps and shoves a wishbone down Santa's throat.  So if not for me, then do it for the Pilgrims and especially the Native Americans.  We owe them for taking all of their land.

This photo was taken before Terry the Turkey knew that
his turn consisted of being shoved head first into a giant pot of grease.

The second point I want to make is about an argument that has grown out of control in the past decade or so.  Should the days we get off from school in December be called "Christmas Break"?  The answer to this is simple: Who the fuck cares?  The holiday belongs to everyone because it isn't the same celebration for one family as it is the other.  In other words, Judaism celebrates it as Hanukkah, Christians celebrate it as Christmas, Pagans celebrate it as the Winter Solstice, and Atheists such as myself celebrate it as "give everyone a gift" day (but we still call it Christmas because, let's face it, it sounds much more joyous).  

Call it whatever you want, and don't get your panties in a twist if someone calls it something different.  If a rabbi were to walk past me and say, "Happy Hanukkah!", I would say, "Happy Holidays!" because those are our preferences.  I wouldn't expect him to turn on me and scream, "How dare you, you politically correct little bitch!  I hope your 'happy holidays' ends with you in a ditch somewhere."  That would be rude.  

And this whole argument over the naming of "Christmas Break" is getting on my last nerves.  Yes, the school should call it "Winter Break" or "Holiday Break" because there is this little thing called the separation of church and state, but should that bother Christians?  Or Jews?  Or Muslims?  No.  It should say to them, "Okay.  They are saying Winter Break but, for me and my family, it is (insert holiday here) Break." 

It's called being tolerant and open-minded about other people's beliefs.  I know this concept is lost on most people nowadays, but there are a few of you out there that get what I'm talking about.  The bottom line is this:  Nobody gives a flying fuck what you call "Winter Break" because the fact of the matter is, it isn't about the religious celebration.  It's about enjoying time with your family, and being thankful that us human beings have lasted one more year on this beautiful planet without sending it into a permanent nuclear winter.  It is not hard to show other people some goddamn respect for the last two weeks of December.

  "I did not say Happy Holidays, you fucking prick!  How dare you not tell me
to have a Merry Christmas!  Now my month is completely ruined.  Thanks, you
 fucking Satanist!"

Much like the Jersey Shore post, this one was requested from a friend of mine- Carolyn.  Her wish came true!  So if you have an idea for me (and no, I am not running out but I do aim to please), then send it my way!

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