Thursday, November 25, 2010

Things That I Am Thankful For.


I celebrate Thanksgiving the best way I know how: Listing off 20 things I am thankful for... 
1) Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert point out everything wrong with politics four nights a week.
2) Justin Beiber will soon hit puberty, her voice will crack, and no one will give a shit about her ever again.
3) Miley Cyrus will soon join the list of Disney Channel stars that get hooked on drugs and fall into sweet obscurity.
4) My Wii can double as a coaster when turned on it's side.  Finally, a use for it.
5) Republicans just may be stupid enough to put Sarah Palin up against Obama in 2012.
6) I no longer know an exact place to find crocs, as they have finally fallen out of style.
7) Most of the people that thought wallpaper looked good have died.  Painfully, I hope.
8) The old, racist generation doesn't have too much longer on this planet.  
9) Stephen King wrote 'Salem's Lot... so when Twilight is dead and forgotten, we'll have cool vampires to return to.
10) Despite all of our technological advances, natural selection still has a hold on the human race.  Example from "1000 Ways to Die": Two guys smoke plants trying to find something better than marijuana.  They decide to light up poison ivy.  Needless to say, they won't be cursing this planet with their offspring.
11) Nicholas Cage is proof that as long as you have pull in Hollywood, your shitty acting skills don't mean anything.  He's an inspiration to all aspiring actors.
12) My cats are more intelligent then every single individual on MTV combined.
13) James Frey, one of the worst authors ever, will never again get published.  Thank you, Oprah, for tearing him a new asshole (yes, there will be a post on this later).
14) Following the trend set by Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, the next and final Twilight movie will also be split into two movies.  Why am I thankful?  Because the book can be summed up in about a paragraph, and the movies will be ten minutes long each, sparking a riot in which Meyers will be beaten to death with a rusty tire iron.

Image courtesy of the Day Of The Women blog.  Definitely 
check it out, it's good stuff.

15) Bill O'Reilly will soon go into cardiac arrest on live television, and not a single person on his crew will help him.
16) South Park, a show on Comedy Central, was the cultural figure that stood up and pointed out how stupid it was not to show images of Muhammad, even though an earlier episode of the show did in fact show him.  It aired in 2001. At least someone had the balls to do it.  And no, I'm not anti-Islam in any single form.  I just believe that if the Westboro Baptist Church can use the power of the Freedom of Speech to protect their "Christian right" to protest soldier's funerals and call homosexuals "fags", then a comedy show should be able to show an image of Muhammad using the same freedom of speech excuse.

Oops?

17) The Mayans played one last joke on the world before they were wiped out- they made up a story about how the world would end in 2012.  Those guys had a great sense of humor.  
18) Glenn Beck believes himself to be a prophet of God.  I believe him to be a psycho in need of institutionalization.  It has to happen soon.
19) Sarah Palin's new "nature" show won't be on television for long, as its ratings are dropping faster than John McCain's heart rate.
20) Morgan Freeman's voice.

And I would watch it, Mr. Freeman.  I would watch it.

Now, in all seriousness, I want to tell everyone about two people that I truly am thankful for.  I know they probably don't read this (and if they do, know that I am really sorry for the inappropriate language), but I would still like to say that I am incredibly thankful to have two of the most amazing grandparents on this planet.  I love you guys very much, and I wouldn't be the person I am without you.  And Nana... I'm really sorry for all the potty talk.  Please don't smack me the next time you see me!

All in all, I should have done a list for things that I'm not thankful for, as it probably would have been easier... Just to have a little fun, here are ten things I'm not thankful for.

1) People that talk on bluetooth phones in public.  Who the fuck are you talking to?
2) Extremists.  
3) Dunkin' Donuts trying to sell me sandwiches and pizza.  Nice try, assholes.
4) Fox News.  See #2.
5) MTV.  Give it a rest.  Start playing music videos and stop pretending to be cool.  Everyone knows you are run by old, rich white guys.
6) Grown men and women holding high school grudges.  No, I'm not targeting anyone in particular, but I see a lot of it still going on.  
7) Socks with holes near the toes.  If my middle toe pokes through that hole one more time, I'm going to throw them in the trash and light them on fire.  Don't judge me for not being able to afford new socks!
8) All television programs "Jersey" related.
9) Ke$ha's name.  I refuse to pronounce it "Kesh-ha."

Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving!  Now go get back to the dinner table.  Your family only gets to embarrass you once a year.

1 comment:

scrumptiousbaking said...

Oh, so it's not Kesdollarsignha? Now I'm embarrassed.

P.S. Please do not use my Wii as a coaster anymore. SO not cool.