Wednesday, November 17, 2010

An Educated Hypothesis About Sarah Palin.

Ever since John McCain announced that Sarah Palin was his nomination to be his Vice President for the 2008 election, I've been wondering something. How is she so fucking stupid?  I've cleaned smarter things out of my cat's litter box.

But today I had a realization: maybe she isn't stupid at all.  Maybe there is something hidden here.  Something that she doesn't want us to know.  So I did some digging on the interwebz and I have come to a startling conclusion.



 Watch those fangs!  She's a biter!

Sarah Palin is a predator.  Now I know that may be hard to believe, but hear me out.  I have several valid points to support my hypothesis.

1) Is she even an American citizen?  Sarah Palin says she was born in February of 1964 in the state of Idaho, but is that really true? I'd like to see her birth certificate.  I don't even think that Idaho was a state in 1964.  Still, I know for a fact that the Predator homeworld has never been a U.S. state.

2) How do we know she's really a Christian? Predators are polytheistic, according to their wiki.  Christians are not polytheistic so...where does that leave Palin?

3) She's a hunter.  She hunts wolves and bears, seals and media attention.  Look at the Predators.  They too are hunters, and they crave media attention as well.  With several movies, novels, and comics, how could they not?  And now Palin has a television show?  Seems suspicious...

4) Whatever language she speaks, it isn't American.  This is America, not the rest of the universe.  While you're here, Palin, I suggest you start speaking American.  String some words together to form a sentence and stop mumbling the Predators do...

5) Ever wonder where she goes when she's not on television?  Nowhere.  She's always on television.  But she has a cloaking field that makes her the Predators!

Still not convinced?  That's because I'm just fucking around.  She's not a Predator from another planet.  She's just a stupid bitch.  I know that seems really mean and misogynistic to say, but I swear I'm not calling her "stupid" or a "bitch" because she's a woman.  It's because she has the IQ of a peanut and the political know-how of a female dog.

Here are just some of my problems with Sarah Palin (and remember, they are opinions):
1) She fought to pull Polar Bears off the endangered species list, even though they are clearly dying out.  Anybody that watches Animal Planet could tell you that.

"Help?  Nah, guys, I got this! It's cool."

2) For the entire 2008 campaign, she criticized Obama for being a "celebrity."  Well, two years later, she has her ugly face plastered all over Fox News, has a book deal, has a NATURE SHOW on Discovery Channel (Polar Bear says, "Wut?"), and watches her daughter on Dancing with the STARS.  And now she's saying she might run for President in 2012.  What is she going to do then?  Say Obama is just a B-Lister?   
          2.1) Bristol Palin is a moron.  She dropped her baby's father because he "craved the spotlight too much".  Now look where she is.  I can't even go to the grocery store without seeing her face on a magazine cover.  And not only that, but her entire stance on abortion is really fucked up considering she's a teen mother.  My message to Bristol: Shut up, go away, and raise your fucking kid like a good parent.   

3) She really has no idea when to shut up.  She also criticized Obama for not having enough experience to be in the White House.  So, what, Palin?  Do you think you do have enough experience?  I'm sorry, but just because you can see Russia from your coastline, doesn't mean you are an expert on foreign relations.  Just because I can see the stars from my house, doesn't make me a fuckin' astronomer.  

4) She has no idea how politics works.  Really.  I don't even need to prove this, because you can do it yourself.  Look up some of her quotes from the 2008 election.  She has no idea what she's talking about. 

5) Where the hell did she come from?  McCain seemed to pluck her out of nowhere.  Thanks, you old bastard, for creating this Palin creature we now have to deal with.  Oh, shit, she was the mayor of Wasilla, on Wasilla's city council, and was Governor of Alaska for a couple years. I'm so sorry, Sarah, I didn't mean to offend your mightiness.  Sorry, but that's not enough to convince me, McCain.  Just because she has a vagina and she's a republican doesn't mean she'd make a good VP.  Try going with the old, rich white guy next time.  After being around since this country was founded, I'd think you of all people would know how the system works by now.  Sure, Obama totally screwed up the whole President thing, but he wasn't an idiot- even he picked a rich white guy to be his VP.  So, you've got another shot at it, McCain.  That ancient racist generation of yours has at least five more years left in it.  I say go for it!

6) Sarah Palin makes all women look bad.  Seriously, McCain picked her to be a VP pretty much because she was a woman, and she tried to stand up for that.  But even most women were like,  "Nope, no way.  She's not on our team."

7) Todd Palin is a stupid motherfucker, here's a picture, enough said.
"I wanna go fast!"

8) When that woman was fired for saying "nigger" (and no, I don't like that word at all) on the radio to an African American, Sarah Palin defended her, saying that she needed to stand up for her Freedom of Speech.  Yet when Family Guy made a retarded joke, Sarah Palin's panties bunched up so much, she couldn't get them off for a month.  Maybe if one of Palin's sons were black, she would feel differently about the former situation.  After all, most Republicans only feel strongly for things that directly affect them, like gay marriage*.  See what I did there?  I called all Republicans in the closet homosexuals that are afraid of admitting who they really are.  It's sad, really.  I should start a charity or a foundation. 
          *I fully support gay marriage.  And I am not implying that "gay" is synonymous with "stupid".  I am merely being sarcastic by saying that Republicans really shouldn't care about gay marriage if they are heterosexual, because it doesn't affect them.  There, see?  Are you happy I had to explain the joke?  It's not funny anymore, is it?  Good.

These are just some of the reasons why I think Sarah Palin is a sad excuse for a human being.  If she is elected in 2012, I will leave this country and never return.  I really don't think I'll be the only one leaving "You-betcha!" Land either.  

So, until next time, I'll leave you with this scientifically proven fact.

 If you press your ear hard enough against Sarah Palin's head, and you
listen carefully, you can hear the ocean.  And if you look deep into her eyes,
you just might see the occasional neuron fire in her brain.  



Garnet said...

Scary thing is that she is making noise like she wants to run for president in 2012, and actually thinks she can win. I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

Shaun said...

I do have to admit, I felt like I was a little hard on her in this post, but someone has to say it.

She is a scary person, and the idea of her being President is frightening.

Carolyn said...

"I'm sorry, but just because you can see Russia from your coastline, doesn't mean you are an expert on foreign relations. Just because I can see the stars from my house, doesn't make me a fuckin' astronomer."

...I've been laughing at this (and the entire post) for like 10 minutes straight. There is NO WAY she can be president in 2012...or ever. No way.

Shaun said...

Well, I'd like to think she wouldn't be able to! The Democrats and Independents definitely outnumber the the Republicans by like...3 to 1, and as psychotic as she is, most Rep's wouldn't even vote for her. Look at that R. Senator from Alaska! She said she wouldn't even vote for Palin!

scrumptiousbaking said...

I'm soooo not going to be able to keep a straight face when we watch the new Predators movie! "Watch those fangs, she's a biter."