Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Black Friday, Part One- The Quiet Before The Storm.

Let's get things started with an amazingly awesome Black Friday video courtesy of the one and only Saturday Night Live.

If you watched the video, you're probably laughing your ass off at how silly the whole premise was.  Unfortunately, things are in fact that bad.  Retailers make the majority of their money in the four weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and aren't afraid to lower their prices to do so.  People line up outside stores hours- sometimes days -before said store even opens in order to save money and get great deals.  And at what cost?  Missing Thanksgiving with their family?  "Oh, Grandma would be here, honey, but she's camping outside Best Buy with a cooler full of Red Bull so you can get that (insert piece of shit item here) that you want so much.  No, honey, she won't end up in jail like last year.  I took her shiv away before she left this time."

It's too bad Mom didn't search Nana's purse.  She's packin' heat this year.
And that silencer means she'll get several shots off before security is alerted.

Look, people are actually willing to kill each other over sales.  It is not uncommon for the weak to get trampled as the doors are opened, and I would be absolutely terrified if I was the guy that had to open them.  

I'm not going to sit here and say that this needs to stop, and that stores need to pick a different day or stop lowering their prices.  I'm just saying that we are all humans, and there is no need to go stampeding through Wal-Mart like a bunch of Wildebeests crossing a crocodile infested river.  Everyone can make it out alive, I promise.  And honestly, a Wii isn't worth getting into a fist fight with someone over, even if it is half off.  Hell, even if it were free.

The situation simply calls for more control, be it in the form of security guards or organization on the retailer's part.  I know Christmas is ridiculously expensive, and I know money is tight nowadays, but no present is worth the knowledge that you stomped somebody into the tile floor to get it.  Is that really what you want to remember every time your son or daughter turns on their brand new 3D television?  That you crushed someone's skull beneath your foot to get it?  

Wait... only $448 for a 42" 3D television?  
Oh, suck tile, motherfucker!

I am more than aware that Black Friday hasn't actually happened yet, but I wanted to launch a preemptive strike on the whole ordeal.  Will anybody die?  Will limbs be lost?  Will dreams be made?  Find out this Friday on A Sane Break From The Insanity!  As a Black Friday deal, the first ten viewers of the second BF post will get a free Xbox 360 Elite with a Kinect!*

And one last thing.  This video was sent to me by a long time viewer, who also happens to be family.  Thanks, Morgan!

I'm soooo jealous of her "firstness" and her bitchin' tent.  Best Buy gave her an iPad for her "dedication".  Way to encourage this odd behavior, Best Buy.  I'll be lining up next year shortly after Halloween, so I better see some free shit for my dedication too.  

This man seems far too calm considering he's about to be swarmed by cheapskate zombies.
In fact, he looks downright bored.  Someone needs to start throwing some fists or this
will go down in history as the least violent/exciting Black Friday ever.

*Hah, no you won't.  Keep dreaming.

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