Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Michael Bay is the Worst Director of All Time.

 "If digital effects were a woman, I'd have
non consensual sex with her."

The title really doesn't lie.  Type in "Michael Bay is" into the google search bar, and it immediately tries to finish your line of thought with these sweet and tasty gems:

-Michael Bay is a douche
-Michael Bay is the devil
-Michael Bay is a hack
-Michael Bay is a racist



Add in the word "the" to your line of thought, and google figures you are going in a different, more sophisticated direction with your search.

-Michael Bay is the worst director ever
-Michael Bay is the antichrist

Now, I could easily just leave this be for now.  My point is, technically, proved considering it takes a lot of people typing in the same thing before google starts to immediately jump to key phrases for every internet searcher on the planet.  However, I do not consider this finished until I've made Michael Bay my figurative bitch.  Let's talk about...


While I have issues with the first Transformers movie, they mostly revolve around bad dialogue, the almost unwatchable fight scenes, and Shia LaBeouf.  My main focus here is the second movie, Revenge of the Fallen.

Many of these criticisms you can find on www.imdb.com in the user comments section, but I assure each and every one of you that I had these criticisms before I read aforementioned comments.  Let's get down to it, shall we?

1) So Many Robots.  Michael Bay had said that he wanted to expand the cast a little bit to include a lot of well-loved Transformers from the television series.  But there are too many.  Far too many.  And they all look somewhat alike, making it almost impossible to tell the difference between them.  Not only that, but a few of them (like Arclite, the motorcycles) are on screen for such little time that, honestly, I didn't give a shit when they died.  Without character development, there is no emotional connection to characters.  And when you have a million fucking robots in a two hour movie, you can't get into character development.  Good job, Bay.

2) Skids and Mudflap represent how stupid and racist Michael Bay is.  If you don't remember who they are, they are the two dumbass robots that follow Shia and Bumblebee for the last half of the movie.  It hurts me to listen to these two talk.  It was almost as if Michael Bay said, "Let's make some robots that represent the most stereotypical African Americans that we possibly can."  They have gold teeth, proclaim that they cannot read, are ape-like in stature, and talk in this awful street slang dialogue that I haven't heard since the old 1980 street movies.  Scott Mendelson, a movie critic, put it best when he said, "To say that these two are the most astonishingly racist caricatures that I've ever seen in a mainstream motion picture would be an understatement."  Michael Bay insisted that they were just good clean fun and, worse, that they were "for the kids."  If you think I'm reaching a little far on this one, look it up yourself.  There is a big controversy on it similar to the Jar Jar Binks character from the newer Star Wars movies.

3) Sam's mother is annoying as shit.  A lot of people thought she was funny, but not me.  Nobody acts like that, not even a mother that is sending her son off to college.  My biggest issue with her was when she bought the brownies on the college campus Sam was getting dropped off at.  Supposedly, the brownies were laced with marijuana (Uh...haha?) and yet she acted like she was drunk.  High people do not act like that.  Considering the director, you'd think the actress playing Sam's mother would be able to nail down the "high" concept.

"OMG, I can't shut the fuck up!"

4) The plot was completely pointless.  It's been awhile since I was visually molested by this movie, so I apologize in advance if I get this wrong, but "The Fallen" (Or as I call him, Emperor Palpatine rip-off) wants to take all of the energy from our sun in order to power the other Decepticons back on their home planet.  Well, that's awesome and all, but why do they need a sun?  Wouldn't any star do?  That's all our sun is- a star.  And clearly space travel isn't an issue for them, so why go through this long and drawn out conflict when you can just...go somewhere else?  And while we're on the subject of plot holes, why the hell can The Fallen be killed only by a Prime?  It NEVER explains it.  It just IS.  Frankly, that's an insult to my intelligence.

5) It is basically two hours of Michael Bay saying how awesome the U.S. military is.  Almost every scene has an American flag in it, or some other patriotic symbol.  A handful of soldiers hold off all of these technologically advanced transformers at the end of the movie, and when another country (Jordan) tries to help, they send in two helicopters that get shot down immediately.  If I lived in Jordan, boy would I be pissed.  

6) Megatron goes from a total badass in the first movie, to being a gigantic, whining pussy in the second movie.  Seriously, I was waiting for him to strap on a dress and ask Starscream to be his date to the Junior Prom.  He did nothing but grovel at The Fallen's feet, and whenever he fought Optimus Prime, he got his ass handed to him.  I was expecting him to do some serious damage when he was resurrected from the sea floor, but instead he wimped out at every opportunity he got.  

 "I love long walks on the beach, getting butt raped by Optimus Prime, and puppies."

7) Megan Fox.  That's really all that needs to be said.  And while her acting is indeed not impressive, and her love for Shia is obviously faked, she really had her career screwed by Bay.  If you don't believe that, check out this link.  It goes into detail about all of the back and forth between Bay and Fox, and it's clear that Bay really only had her in the movie as eye candy for us men.   

 -Sidenote: I hate MTV.  But it was the best article I could find on the subject, so don't judge me.

8) The blond chick that was hitting on Shia.  I don't need to say much about this, because it's clear how completely effed up these scenes were.  When she turned into the robot, I almost died laughing.  I just hope Bay got the go-ahead from the guys that did Terminator.  

I know this seems a bit out-dated, considering when the movie came out, but I have severe issues with Michael Bay.  I think he is literally the worst director out there (sorry, M. Night Shymalan, but you'll always be second place in my heart), and he can't direct one movie without over the top explosions and shitty dialogue.  My friends and I walked out of the theater and had no idea what we had just seen.  Michael Bay had just done to Transformers what George Lucas did to Indiana Jones.  

THIS JUST IN:  MICHAEL BAY IS A PRETENTIOUS COCK.

My issues with Michael Bay go far beyond Revenge of the Fallen, but I'm tired of writing, and I feel as though I am regurgitating all of these points from the internet.  If you want to look into it more, trust me, you don't have to look hard.  Michael Bay is the worst director of all time, and the internet agrees.  
 

2 comments:

Teen said...

Incredibly entertained. Even though I do enjoy watching crappy movies. Michael Bay molesting the world via the big screen is just hilarious.

scrumptiousbaking said...

I thought Sam's parents were funny, but I agree that the second one was awful!