Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Michele Bachmann. Tea-bagged.

Continuing my trend of showing all of you, my readers, the dumb things politicians say, I examine the top ten quotes of the Tea Party's own Mad Hatter (as if there were just one), Michele Bachmann.  Many of you know her as Minnesota's House Representative, but all of you know her as the bat-shit crazy, stick-up-her -ass conservative that is (potentially) running for....

... you guessed it: President in 2012!  So before you all start jumping for joy at the prospect of a woman other than Sarah Palin getting elected into the commander-in-chief seat, let's take a look at some Michele's little quips.  By the way ladies, can you stand someone up that isn't completely psychotic?  I would really love to have a woman in the white house, but I would prefer it to be someone that isn't out of their mind.

1.) This is her way of saying that the American culture (if one could call our mashed up society a "culture") is the best in the world without actually saying it.  A politician's work-around.  Guess what, Michele?  I can't count on my hands how many cultures in this world are more interesting, or more rich than ours because I don't have enough fingers.  If our culture is the epitome of them all, then humanity is in serious trouble.  Try leaving your limo and security once and awhile.  You'll see what I mean.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I Found The Escaped Reptile From The NY Zoo... But It Was A Newt, Not A Snake...

Fun fact: The muppet "Beeker" was inspired by Newt's face, 
not his physique.

I, my good friends and readers, have come out of a brief period of isolation to bring you some news about a man who will be running as a Republican candidate for the Presidential office in 2012.  Due to some recent comments made by Newt (who is both literally and metaphorically "half reptile") that I cannot ethically let slide, I bring to you the following commentary.

Why am I pissed this time?  First of all, I'm not always angry, and shame on you for assuming such a thing.  I'm actually quite a calm individual.  Until people that represent this country say stupid shit like this:

"I have two grandchildren: Maggie is 11; Robert is 9," Gingrich said at Cornerstone Church here. "I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

"It Couldn't Have Happened To A Better Country."

My thoughts go out to the people of Japan.  May you
all find strength in the face of this disaster. 

The great and talented Aldous Huxley once said, "If human beings were shown what they're really like, they'd either kill one another as vermin, or hang themselves."  Cynical? Yes.  Depressing?  Absolutely.  True?  One hundred percent.  In the past couple of weeks, I have found myself looking around and just wanting to clock someone right in the face.  Day after day, I am subjected to idiocy on a scale that makes me wonder if Mother Nature is just pissed at us for being collectively stupid.  

Case in point: A man walked into the gas station I now work at for the weekend paper early Saturday morning.  He picked up the local bundle, and glanced at the headline as he placed it on the counter.  With a smile, he told me, "It couldn't have happened to a better country."  I looked down and saw the image of a Japanese soldier with a civilian over his shoulder, stumbling away from certain disaster.  My heart sank as I realized that he was talking about the 8.9 quake that had hit Japan.  I couldn't help myself.  "What do you mean?" "Payback for Pearl Harbor," he said like it was obvious.  Before I could even respond, he put two dollars on the counter and walked out.  

This, I think, was a good move on his part.  I was more than willing to risk losing my job in order to strangle a middle aged man that had clearly failed history class.  I am a bit peeved that I missed such a glorious opportunity, so maybe one day he'll stumble on this blog of my and read my following response:

Friday, March 4, 2011

Mike Huck Vs. Nat P

Meet Natalie Portman - A Harvard Graduate, a fantastic
Hollywood actress, and a soon-to-be Mom.  But she has a secret...
Both her and her unborn child are already destined for HELL.

I just have to soak in this moment.  Two worlds have collided in the best of ways as former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee attacked Natalie Portman for being pregnant.  Is it because she leads a destructive lifestyle of drugs, parties, sex, and violence?  No, no.  No destructive lifestyle for Natalie.  Huckabee has called Portman out for being pregnant out of wedlock.  

First of all, I'd like to say that Mike Huckabee has no business sticking his nose into Natalie's personal bubble.  It's not his kid (I hope), and therefore it's not his concern.  Just because he's a talking hate machine for Fox News, doesn't mean he receives the ability to wedge his way into people's sex lives.

Second of all, it's worth mentioning that Huckabee's issue isn't just about the fact that she is having a child out of wedlock, but also that she "serves as a bad role model" for doing so.  

Because I am a man of lists, I'm just going to outline the main things that piss me off about Huckafuck calling her out on this.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Sheen-Machine.

"Why doesn't anyone understand?!  I beat women and do
heavy drugs while working on an unfunny sitcom!  What
part of that isn't clear after a goddamn decade!?"

Do you see this man?  This man right here?  He is a narcissistic fucking lunatic.  And yet, for some strange reason, the media is going crazy over him.  For the past week, one of CNN's top headlines has been about this raging douche and, after checking other news outlets, I was shocked to discover that they weren't alone.

This is not Hollywood's first rodeo with an egotistical assclown like Mr. Sheen here.  In fact, it is hardly their tenth with him in particular.  At least once a year, the rest of the world and I play witness to a Sheen-Machine breakdown. One year he's beating his wife, the next year he's in rehab, the year after that he's sober but screwing/beating porn stars...  Rinse and repeat.

And now he's saying crazy shit about his sub-standard television sitcom that, in all honesty, is about as funny as British humor.  As of the moment, he makes $2 million an episode (really?!), and he wants that bumped up to $3 million per episode.  I would rather go with a system where he gets paid based on how many laughs the show gets from its audience, multiplied by one hundred.  Oh, shit... then he'd work for nothing.  "Two Guys and A Sheen" got axed, and had to finish the season a few episodes short due to his latest antics (such as insulting everyone else on the show and the network on national tv/radio).

Oh, but it gets better.  When defending his "honor" on several talk shows, the Sheen-Machine has been talking about how he's been receiving calls from celebrity friends that are totally on his side.  One of his examples?  Mel.  Fucking. Gibson.  That is like being a four-time murderer on trial, only to call Jeffery Dahmer to the stand to defend you.  

So I beg you, America.  Stop paying attention to him.  He has a God-Complex the size of his drug closet (it takes up a whole wing in his mansion, if you weren't aware), and an attitude that is matched only by his level of douchebaggery.  Don't believe me?  He keeps two porn stars around and calls them his "goddesses".  You aren't Zeus, Sheen-Machine, and those ladies certainly aren't part of your harem.  They're only with you because of your money and rapidly deteriorating fame.  But I guess you'll find that out soon enough.