Tuesday, November 30, 2010

We Need To Make Everything Wireless.


Every time I go to plug something in, I ask myself:  Is it really worth the hassle of untangling the power cord?  Don't sit there and judge me.  You've had the same thought.  Whenever my cell phone dies, I weigh the importance of being in touch with society against the anger I will soon feel from untwisting the tiny charging cord from a writhing ball of junk cables.  Yes, I keep all of my cords in one place.  Why bother separating them?  I'd probably forget where they are and then be super shit out of luck.

What pisses me off the most is that I don't tangle them up.  I have literally sorted through them and placed them one by one into the small cabinet they are kept in, only to find them all twisted up like a gaggle of horny snakes.  Knock it off, cords.  Last time I checked, I only needed to charge my phone, not listen to my iPod, charge my 360 controller, use an ethernet cable, and charge my laptop via one outlet.  Electricity doesn't work like that.


This is why the world needs to hurry up and go wireless for everything.  Remember those stupid corded phones with the tangly line that always fucked itself up?  And no matter how hard you tried,  it never could be untangled back to the accordion-like way that you bought it?  Well, some science guy said, "Screw this stupid piece of shit, we're going portable with this bitch", and then invented the portable phone.  Sure, there was a cord then.  But then another guy came around and said, "I H8 k00rds!" and then -BAM!- the cell phone hit the shelves.  Personally, my hat is off to this smart son of a bitch:

The future of accessory charging.  You may now "OoOoO".

Whoever invented this wireless charger, you are a genius and I love you, even if you are a man.  You have eliminated the need for mysteriously tangled cords, and should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  I'm sure if many evil dictators had this device, they would not be so angry all the time.  

Now we need someone to invent solar powered television.  Or solar powered kitchen appliances.  No longer will I have to search for the one outlet in a giant room.  Surge protectors will be a thing of the past!  

"Jake loves his new surge protector.  Every time he plugs something in, 
he says, 'May the Power of Christ recharge you'."

So hurry up, power cord technology.  I refuse to buy a home ten years from now that has electricity running through the walls.  I want everything to generate its own power.  Outlets are holes in the walls that do nothing but decrease the value of my house, and let in a tiny yet terrible draft.  Seriously, it's almost 2011.  We were promised hovercrafts forty years ago.

Listen up, inventors.  I'm tired of gambling a potential emergency family phone call against the mental and physical energy it takes to untangle two-hundred fucking power cords.  Fix this for me.  And if you suggested a twist tie to "tie my cords together so they won't tangle themselves up", I will pop you in the mouth.  Because nobody likes a smart ass.  


1 comment:

scrumptiousbaking said...

HAHAHAHA...equally funny and true :)