Monday, June 27, 2011

Ed Markey Is Worried That The GOP Will Overturn The Law Of Gravity... And For Good Reason.


"Mr. Chairman, I rise in opposition to a bill that overturns the scientific finding that pollution is harming our people and our planet.  However, I won't physically rise, because I'm worried that Republicans will overturn the law of gravity, sending us floating about the room.  I won't call for the sunlight of additional hearings, for fear that Republicans might excommunicate the finding that the Earth revolves around the sun.

Instead, I'll embody Newton's third law of motion and be an equal and opposing force against this attack on science and on laws that will reduce America's importation of foreign oil.  This bill will live in the House while simultaneously being dead in the Senate. It will be a legislative Schrodinger's cat killed by the quantum mechanics of the legislative process!  Arbitrary rejection of scientific fact will not cause us to rise from our seats today. But with this bill, pollution levels will rise. Oil imports will rise. Temperatures will rise.

And with that, I yield back the balance of my time. That is, unless a rejection of Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity is somewhere in the chair's amendment pile."


The video is a few months old, but fantastic nonetheless.  Sarcasm and politics rarely mix - a fact that I find can be incredibly unfortunate from time to time.  Sometimes sarcasm is needed.  There are few better ways to patronize a stupid fucking idea, after all.  

The representative's name is Ed Markey from Massachusetts.  I'm pretty sure he's a Democrat, but I could be wrong.  This biting sarcastic video is in response to the GOP attempting to pass a bill that would prevent the EPA from regulating greenhouse gases, as well as prevent them from setting tailpipe emission standards for our vehicles.

And why the hell not!?  According to representative Dan Boren of Oklahoma, "The EPA has gone unchecked for far too long."  You tell 'em, Boren.  Fuck this planet.  

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Gay Marriage In New York? What's Next!?

Written By Tim Bob-Joe.

I was mighty humbled when the writer of "A Sane Break" gave me permission to write a guest blog post that would be featured today.  I had planned on writing about Nascar, God, and wholesome Christian values, but last night's news completely blew that idea out of the water.

Now I'm stuck writin' about them queers in New York.  Can you believe it!?  Homosexuals are now allowed to marry in one of the most populated states in America!  How dare they infringe on my sacred, God-given right to marry a woman, and then foul that marriage in any way I see fit?  Now they can cheat on their spouses now too!  

This is some bullshit.  What kind of left-wing, socialist country has America been turned into?  It's that Osama - I mean, Obama - 's fault.  Came into office as one of them whatchamacallit "community organizers", leading this country with his arugula-eatin' elitist values.  You know, I heard he wasn't even a CHRISTIAN.  One o' them Mohammed fellers.  

"Tolerance!? More Like BULLSHIT."

"...we are not a Muslim nation."
Question: Are we a nation of assholes? Because
only assholes would elect assholes to a represent them in office.

In a strong and unfortunately successful attempt to embarrass my home state of Maine, Representative Amy Volk of the state house lit up Facebook a few weeks ago with an extremely well-placed and ignorant status update.

It followed the morning prayer which, I guess, both the House and the Senate have, (probably following a middle-finger salute to the First Amendment) by Reverend Donna Lee Muise.  While I'm personally no fan of prayers, there are some that truly are like poetry.  As an English major, I both respect and love them.  And as a tolerant human being, I have to say that Reverend Muise's prayer struck me as one to be celebrated, not shunned.

The contents of it, while important, are not what Representative Volk had an issue with.  It was how Muise ended it that caused Volk to flip her shit and passive-aggressively bitch out the reverend on Facebook.

"And so in all Your many names - Yahweh, Allah, God - we pray that Your will be done.  Amen and Shalom."

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Eugenics, The Pledge, And The Worst Mother Of The Year.

I figured that I would set politics aside for today's post to talk about a some strange news coming out of North Carolina, California, and... where ever the hell NBC is based (New York?).  All three stories are, quite frankly, very disturbing, and I want to give everyone reading this a heads up - the California one may make you doubt humanity more so than you probably already do.  The other two will really solidify that doubt.  I'm sure of it.

Oh, South Carolina.  I'll miss making fun of you.  Please send us
more gems like this one...

For once, South Carolina can feel embarrassed by its northern less-hick counterpart.  In 1933, North Carolina became one of a few other states where eugenics was practiced, specifically targeting low income females.  For those of you that don't know, eugenics is the practice of sterilization to rid the targeted species of "unfit" characteristics.  Let me just toss a few key words back out at you:  "sterilization"; "unfit characteristics"; "targeting low income females."

Social workers for the state would pressure parents into sterilizing their sons and daughters - a practice that all other states with eugenic laws swept under the rug shortly after World War II.  Why?  Because a lot of evidence (and I mean an overwhelming amount of evidence) showed that Hitler's Third Reich pursued eugenics in an attempt to create their pure, Aryan race.  But that didn't stop North Carolina!  Nazis be damned!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Voting Made Not-So-Easy.


I think it's common knowledge that most young people don't actually enjoy voting.  Let's face it, it's a tedious process (depending on where you live) with long lines, cranky adults that just want to go home, and the depressing reminder that you have to choose between Senator Dumbass and Representative Fuckhead to be in charge of your tax dollars, while knowing full well that they're just going to piss said money away on hookers and porn instead of fixing that goddamn pothole that has destroyed two of your tires and bent a fucking rim.

I'm pretty sure that the only people that like to vote can be lumped into two categories: they're either Republicans that believe it is our "God-given right" to vote (and will beat your ass, or try to, if you say otherwise), or they are the older generation of seniors who are blissfully unaware of what it is they are voting for (or maybe they simply don't care because they have little time left on this planet - "Listenin' to the damn rap music at nine o' clock at night!  I'll teach them!  Four more years of this idiot oughta do it!").

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers, Wildfires, and McCain.

Happy Father's Day!  Er...well, unless you're this guy.

I won't lie to you, readers.  I had a hard time coming up with this post, Father's Day or not.  How can I celebrate such a day, much less write about it, when my own biological father is no better at raising children than an autistic dust mite?  Last night while I tried to fall asleep, I thought about what it was I was going to make this particular post about.  It couldn't be my own dad.  Trust me, I really do want to write about what it was he did, to share with the world how much breathable oxygen is being wasted on him, but I simply can't bring myself to sharing that... yet.

So, while this post will focus on the antics of one particular father in this country, it won't be mine.  Or yours, for that matter.  As far as the day goes, I do indeed want to wish a happy father's day to all of the competent, caring, and loving dads out there.  As for the rest of you, well, go fuck yourselves.  There's no excuse not to be a part of your child's life. 

At any rate, the man I want to talk about today is none other than Senator John McCain.  He's been called a maverick, a flip-flopper, and a wrinkled old dude that's way past his prime.  I call him far more than that, and judging by the news stories that have exploded onto my retinas this morning, so does most of the world.

Found this and loved it.  While the post has nothing to do 
with his failed 2008 presidential run, this picture is too
 funny not to make note of.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

David Tyree Should Stick To Sports And Stop Talking.

Shhhhh.  It's quiet time.

It's no secret that I am all for the legalization of gay marriage.  Yes, it's true.  I don't have the time nor the emotional capacity to waste on a feeling as idiotic as homophobia.  This isn't 10,000 B.C.  Men do not show their dominance over each other by... *ahem* making other men be submissive.

Evolutionarily speaking, that's where this pervasive male feeling of homophobia comes from.  Back when we were more animal than human, men proved their status as alpha male by making those beneath them in station be literally beneath them for, let's just say, 1-4 minutes.  Notice how most women don't see the big deal with gay marriage?  Ever seen a heterosexual woman shirk away from a homosexual woman?  Probably not, unless they were extremely religious.

But I digress.  The fact of the matter is, it's the 21st century.  We are making technological leaps every single day and yet, socially, we seem to be moving backwards.  And I don't mean overall.  We were making progress several years ago.  Now that whole effort seems to be withdrawing from the shore like waves at low tide.  

With all this newfound, misled and unfortunate hate aimed at the followers of Islam, illegal immigrants, and gay men and women, I have to wonder... what the hell is going on?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

N.A.T.O. And The War Powers Act.

I want to start this post with a brief introduction that's given to any new member of NATO* to give you all an idea of which direction I'm going with this.  (*Not really)

So you've decided to join the North American Treaty Organization?  Well, congratulations!  You are now the twenty-seventh member country to put world peace ahead of your petty squabbles with that silly country next door.

Here are the other 26 members of NATO:

-Czech Republic
-United Kingdom
-United States of America

Your first goal as a member of NATO is to get to know your new allies!  These 26 countries are now united with you, and will no longer attack your blossoming nation.  Keep in mind that, while they will come to your aid against invaders, you must also show your support by defending them in case of an attack.  

NATO was formed shortly after the end of WWII, and is an organization of allies intent on keeping world peace with the mere threat of, "Don't do it or we will all come after you."  It sounds intimidating and a bit dark, but it usually works and force is not always necessary.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Republican Presidential Candidates And You.

So many good choices... how could we possibly just
choose one?!

Before I get into the meat of this article (or, more appropriately, the gristle and fat), I want to acknowledge something that I'm willing to bet everyone was expecting me to write about.  Representative Anthony Weiner has caught a lot of deserved flak for tweeting pictures of his... weiner... and having some very strange contact with young women.  He is a married, is a Democrat and, while he did nothing illegal to my knowledge, is still responsible for creating a media sideshow full of obvious puns that lasted far longer than it should have.

I didn't mean to ignore this whole scandal.  I wanted to write about it.  The thing is, I have a habit of watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, both of which covered this thing extensively.  Hell, Jon Stewart went to high school with the guy.  They said so much about the incident, I decided that I wouldn't write about it in order to avoid accidently copying a joke or two.  I wasn't trying to dodge it because Representative Weiner is a Democrat.  He deserves just as much hell as anyone else, regardless of what political party he is in.  Truth be told, I think it's more appalling that he lied about it.  "I cannot say with certainty that that is a picture of me"?  Really?  C'mon.  No one bought that.  You should know your own junk shot if you saw it, particularly at your age.  You should be able to pick yours out of a line up of 1,000 by the time you're 40 years old.  

Ugh.  Moving on.