Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Must Be Stopped.

"LOLZ!  We r so funny!"
"OMFG!  I no rite!"

This isn't really one of those "let me convince you of this" posts.  Frankly, after I list these guys cinematic "accomplishments", I won't need to convince you of anything.  You'll be on my side from the get go.

If you don't know who JF and AS are, they are writers and directors of Hollywood movies that somehow manage to get greenlit.  See if you recognize these awful movies, which I have listed for you in chronological order from oldest to newest:

-Spy Hard
-Scary Movie
-Scary Movie 2
-Scary Movie 3
-Date Movie
-Scary Movie 4
-Epic Movie
-Meet the Spartans
-Disaster Movie
-Vampires Suck

Now, I think, we are on the same page.  These two are monsters and they must be stopped.  I found it pretty funny that there is actually an internet petition circling to get these two to discontinue making their awful, unfunny parody movies.  Seriously, fellas, it's time to stop before someone, namely our cinematic culture, gets hurt.

But what reason would they have to stop?  Their movies are super cheap to make (as all of the actors are either washed up, are desperate for screen time, or have never acted before), and they surprisingly make a profit.  How?  Well, either people are so stupid that they keep falling for the ruse that these two might just make one single funny movie in their careers, or all of the money is made off of 12-14 year old kids, who are the only people on Earth that could possibly enjoy any of these movies.

And just how bad are these movies, you ask?  Their most recent abomination, Vampires Suck, was so awful that they actually had to make up film reviews for the commercials that aired on television.  While it was obvious that the reviews were false, it's a pretty bad sign if you can't find a single good review of your movie.

Something that really gets on my nerves is that these two don't even accomplish their goal of parodying movies.  The dictionary definition of a parody is, "a humorous or satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature or writing".  But they don't do that.  They literally recreate scenes from the movies they are trying to parody, and throw in bad jokes with no build up, punch lines, or even humor.  

Look at Scary Movie 3 and 4.  They didn't even parody scary movies!  War of the Worlds?  Brokeback Mountain?  Come on, people.  And how is Alice in Wonderland or Lady Gaga related, in any way, to the Twilight Saga?  Hint:  They're not.

While doing some reading online, I found this awesome quote from cracked.com, which puts the entire thing into perspective for you.  "Imagine Dane Cook's stand-up routine read by a computerized voice simulator.  That would nearly be as bad as these guy's movies." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Anyway, I'm getting extremely agitated at these two the more I write.  Plus, I can't find any pictures of them other than on-the-set shots because they refuse to do interviews and go out in public.  Gee, I can't imagine why.  Maybe they know that they'd get ripped apart by people that have good cinematic taste.

These two are such assholes!  My day is ruined.

I would not be surprised if this one came out.  Actually, 
I would be willing to bet money on it.

So guys, what's next?  Spoof Movie, where you make a movie that spoofs your spoof movies?  Or maybe Parody Movie.  That could be about two dickbags that finally learn what a parody is and redo all of their movies to actually accomplish their original goal.  Oh! Guys, I have a great one! 

It's called...

Fuck You Movie!

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