A Message To The Users Of The Internet About Zombies.

This is getting fucking ridiculous.  Ever since that dude was caught gnawing on a homeless man's face in Florida, the internet has exploded with the faux-news of an upcoming zombie apocalypse.  Even some major news organizations have decided to exploit the story by compiling lists of zombie-like attacks.

CNN, to name one of them, has such a grisly list that is disgustingly followed by the words "But there's no need to dwell on them."  Leave it to CNN to scare the shit out of people only to follow it with something as obvious as "I see that the Google machine brought you here.  Thanks for reading, you fucking idiot." 

Political Spitfire - Two Week Round Up.

So I've been absent for a little while, as I'm sure my regular readers have noticed.  My fan page and special blog email have flooded with questions like, "Where are you?" and "Where the hell are you?" (Not really).  Well, I've been sick.  With the flu. 

And what a horrible time to be sick it was.  I missed so much and, because of that, you missed so much.  Because I'm your only source for news.  Right?

...Right?

Anyway, rather than make empty promises about how I'm going to catch up on all that stuff, I'm just going to quickly recap the things I would've written about had I not been sleeping away my illness.  Buckle your seat belts, people.

1.) Rush Limbaugh

Not 48 hours after my last post in which I criticized him for his remarks towards Danica Patrick, Rush Limbaugh dug himself a deeper grave when he called Sandra Fluke a "slut" and a "prostitute."  The day after that, he insisted that if women want the taxpayer's to pay for their contraception, then we (I assume he means himself there and not the taxpayers as a whole) "should get something out of it."  That something being internet videos of said women having sex.  As numerous groups, sites, and individuals have pointed out, Rush Limbaugh has absolutely no idea what he is talking about at any level.  I won't get into that myself, but I urge you to cross reference what he said with actual facts.  The results will surprise you.  Also, Limbaugh has since lost more than one hundred sponsors from his show.  I sincerely hope that this marks the end of Limbaugh's hold on shitty talk radio as well.

2.) James Inhofe

An actual living, breathing senator of the United States of America declared that global warming is a hoax, so sayeth the Lord.  "Well actually the Genesis 8:22 that I use in there is that 'as long as the earth remains there will be springtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, day and night.' My point is, God’s still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous."  You know what's outrageous, senator?  The fact that you represent this country.  You're basically saying that science, as well as basic ideas like "cause and effect," are nonsense.  Seriously.  Who voted these fucking idiots in?

3.) Missouri House of Representatives Advances Anti-Discrimination Bill

...For gun owners.  Oh, good.  Because when I woke up this morning, I was thinking that people with guns have been discriminated against for far too long.

4.) Andrew Breitbart

To me, his death was irrelevant.  That's not to say that I feel sorry for his family's loss, as well as for a death that came far too soon.  But apparently Breitbart had in his possession video taped evidence that would connect President Obama to *insert scary group here*.  When he died, several right-wing groups immediately suspected foul play and accused the Obama Administration of having Breitbart killed.  Despite the fact that Breitbart's own family shared the cause of his death without too much hesitation.  Oh, and the video taped evidence that Breitbart assured us would bring down the Obama Administration?  It was released, despite his death.  It was of Obama hugging the first black tenured professor at Harvard.  Scary stuff.  As ThinkProgress reports, PBS's Frontline program aired the same "damning" footage days before the 2008 election.  Whoops.

5.) Sarah Palin

My favorite Alaskan girl.  We go way back, her and I.  She was one of the first posts I ever wrote on this blog.  I put forth the hypothesis that she is really Predator from the alien action movies.  I think it was to prove a point.  I'm not really sure.  What I am sure of is that Palin accused President Obama of wanting to "go back to before [the days of the Civil War] when we were in different classes based on income, based on color of skin."  First of all, we are in different classes based on income.  Two, really.  Poor and wealthy.  The middle class is pretty much gone at this point.  Second of all (and more importantly), if President Obama wanted to return us to the days where classes were based on the color of our skin, wouldn't that be a bit of a step back for him?  How does this rhetoric even make sense?  For the love of all that is right in this world, please shut the fuck up.

6.) Mitt Romney

He's still trying to get everyone to like him, and he's still showing that he can't relate to anybody but his wealthy friends.  I'd be more excited talking to a saltine and a gallon of off-white paint than I would be voting for Romney.  I'm sure it would be a stimulating conversation.  If he wins the delegates, Republicans will back him, but not enthusiastically.  It's obvious to a lot of people that Obama will be in the White House for four more years.

7.) Wisconsin GOP

After the wave of anti-governor sentiment washed through the capital, the state GOP made sure to let their constituents know that they were listening - by boarding up all the doors and windows.  The GOP in the state assembly voted to amend the state constitution in order to make it harder for officials to be booted out of their office.  This really pisses me off.  Instead of listening to what the voters were saying (i.e. "You aren't doing your fucking job and we don't want you making laws for us anymore"), the politicians in the capital changed the rules to keep their jobs and to continue doing their dirty business.  Hey.  Guess what?  You're there because people voted you in.  If they want you out, one way or another, you're coming out.

8.) Rick Santorum

Someone dug up an interview back from 1994 in which Santorum claimed that, "Moms raising children in single-parent households simply [breed] more criminals." He also, according to ThinkProgress, introduced legislation during his second term as congressman that would have denied welfare benefits to mothers who could not name their child's father.  Asshole.

Bryan Fischer Wants Gay Sex To Be Criminalized.

This creepy lookin' bleached raisin is Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association.  He hosts the radio program, Focal Point, is the AFA's "Director of Issues Analysis," and is constantly trying to out-hatemonger Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church. 

At approximately 1100 hours on January 3rd, 2012, Fischer really upped his game when he wrote an article for the AFA's blog "Rightly Concerned."  It's content?  Allow me to give you the first sentence of the article.  "Homosexual sex ought to be against public policy, simply as a matter of public health. It is behavior which is immoral, unnatural and unhealthy." Do I have your attention, oh faithful reader?  Good. 

Below, in bold text, is the remainder of Fischer's commentary, in which he suggests that the government fine homosexuals every time they have sex.  In regular print are my own little comments.  I think this is easier than showing you the entirety of the article and then commenting on it.  Let me know what you think is best in the comments below. 

Roger Ailes And His Propaganda Machine.

There is an art to persuading people these days.  In a time when technology is advancing with each passing hour, only one man has been able to reach into millions of homes and turn fiction into fact with the same ease as he freezes water into ice: Roger Ailes.

While most know him as the creator and "Chairman" of Fox News, Ailes has a disturbing history of right-wing extremism and paranoia.  He was always drawn to television, even as a little boy, and rose quickly to the rank of executive producer on The Mike Douglas Show by the age of 25.  His big break came in 1967 when he met former Vice-President Richard Nixon backstage of the show, telling Nixon that "the camera doesn't like you."  Nixon responded, "It's a shame a man has to use gimmicks like television to get elected."  Ailes was passionate about TV, and shot back, "Television is not a gimmick.  And if you think it is, you'll lose again."  It was at that moment that Roger Ailes became Nixon's executive producer of television, in charge of recreating the man's image in order to appeal to voters.

During Nixon's campaign, Ailes began to blur the line between journalism and politics.  Ailes knew that Nixon was a disaster on television.  He also believed that the media was anti-Republican.  So, he decided to go for the throat, as it were, and circumvent the press - go straight to the people.  By forcing reporters to watch the events of, say, a "town hall meeting" backstage, Ailes had found a way to subtly reduce the freedom of the press to a mere privilege.  Nixon was able to answer to voters with staged questions instead of on-the-fly "gotcha" questions from the media.  

Ten Reasons Why Walmart Is Crippling Society.

Oh, Walmart. You've had this coming for so long.  I do believe

that I'm going to enjoy this.

Last Friday (if I remember correctly), I threw up a post about the ten movies I hate the most in this world.  It was, apparently, very popular so I've decided to do a "Ten ____" every Friday from now on.  In an effort to keep this blog more about social issues and less about what I'm interested in personally, I thought that Walmart would be a great place to start.  And by "a great place to start", I mean that I'm going to make you never want to shop there again.  

Of course, most of the reasons why I believe that Walmart is destroying our society can be found in the documentary entitled Walmart: The High Cost of Low Prices.  And yes, you can find the whole 98 minute film on google videos, or you can instant Netflix it.  A word of warning about the documentary:  I can guarantee it will make you furious- so furious that you will contemplate murdering the next person you see.  

While I have never worked at Walmart, I have known several people that have/are, including my own father.  So between the documentary and some personal witnesses, I think I have enough experience on the subject to get ten convincing reasons out there as to why Walmart is a fat, ugly tumor on the rectum of society.  Like the movie list, these are in no particular order.  

Spheidi Prontag Is A Disease On Society.

I don't know what makes me hate this picture more- the fact that Spencer is wearing

a "Palin for VP" shirt, or that Heidi is holding a book she clearly cannot read.  I also like

how Spencer looks as though he can smell Heidi's implants melting under the hot sun.

I debated whether or not to waste my breath on these two, and already I am regretting my decision to write this post.  Still, someone has to knock these two down a peg, and everyone seems content to just let these morons have their ten minutes of fame.  Well I'm not.  Hear me, reader?  I don't think that either of these two should have had even a fraction of a second in the spotlight.  The mere fact that they think they are important in any way pisses me off.  

"But Shaun, you're doing nothing except keeping their 'fame' alive by talking about them." No.  News programs that give these two time to promote their books/shows are the ones keeping them socially relevant.  I, however, have nothing good to say about them.  They are rude, vain, and unappreciative of everything that has been laid down at their feet since birth.  Do either of them know what it's like to scrape money together so that they can afford to college?  Probably not- they are rich and most likely turned off by the idea of learning.  Do they know what it's like to have to go weeks on leftover food because they can't afford to buy new groceries?  Again, probably not.  On more than one occasion, I have survived by making my own pizza dough, covering it with garlic butter and cheese, and pretending it was delicious.  I say "pretend" because, in actuality, I could feel it shaving off minutes of my life with every bite I took.  

"I Can't Concentrate, Like... I Totally have ADHD..."

Sometimes common sense is better than eight years of medical school.

This ADHD and ADD shit is getting out of control.  Rarely do I meet a person who doesn't inform me that they have one of the two, and I can usually tell it's a self-diagnosis.  How?  Because neither disorder turns itself on and off at will.  You either always have a hard time paying attention, or you don't.  Sure, everyone gets distracted, but most people can learn to tune those things out over time (depending on the annoyance).

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Must Be Stopped.

"LOLZ!  We r so funny!"

"OMFG!  I no rite!"

This isn't really one of those "let me convince you of this" posts.  Frankly, after I list these guys cinematic "accomplishments", I won't need to convince you of anything.  You'll be on my side from the get go.

If you don't know who JF and AS are, they are writers and directors of Hollywood movies that somehow manage to get greenlit.  See if you recognize these awful movies, which I have listed for you in chronological order from oldest to newest:

The Cast of Jersey Shore Should Be Sterilized.

 

Finally, an MTV show for people with Oompa-Loompa fetishes.

  

 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of you reading my blog persistently, and even most of you random blog readers, would curb stomp each and every member of the Jersey Shore crew if you could get away with it.  I'm talking cast, cameramen, producers...even the guys that thought this show would be a good idea.