Friday, November 19, 2010

The Cast of Jersey Shore Should Be Sterilized.

Finally, an MTV show for people with Oompa-Loompa fetishes.

 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of you reading my blog persistently, and even most of you random blog readers, would curb stomp each and every member of the Jersey Shore crew if you could get away with it.  I'm talking cast, cameramen, producers...even the guys that thought this show would be a good idea.

Why?  Because I am under the intense belief that nobody really likes this show.  At least, not in the way that "Snooki" and "The Situation" believe we all do.  I would be willing to bet some serious cash monies that 95% of the people that watch every episode of Jersey Shore are laughing at the cast, not with them.  

The other 5% can be broken down as follows:
1) .5% of the people are actually trying to kill themselves with stupid.  This is possible, and an incredibly slow/excruciating way to die.  I would much rather be torn apart by a pack of ravenous baboons.  
 2) 1.5% of the viewers idolize one, some, or all of the cast members.  These people are usually tanning addicts, alcoholics, or...well, it'd be easier to just say most of New Jersey.
3) 1% are blind or deaf, and actually have no idea what they are watching.  Sidenote: Most of the visually impaired become hearing impaired if the channel is left on MTV for too long.
4) and 2% are the young women that we later see on Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, and My Super Sweet Sixteen.  I'll let you put that particular idea together, as I feel like this blog is starting to sound more and more misogynistic with each post I throw up.  

Yes, I have noticed.  And I will be honest, it's not something I meant to do.  So while this post will remain about Jersey Shore, I am going to focus on these two greasy douche bags-

"Yo, Pauly D, what would happen if they knew our muscles were mostly water?"
"Shut up, The Situation! No one needs to know that the strongest part of our bodies is our awesome hair."
"Yeah! (Laughs stupidly) It's also the only part of us that we have no problem getting up."

If either one of these two have kids, and God forbid it be with someone half as fuckin' retarded as them, I think it will be the least intelligent functioning human being ever to be born.  Hell, it might not even matter.  The kids could forget to breath or eat things that are actually edible.  That's why I propose that, from now on, anyone on MTV or that has a future MTV show must be sterilized by a medical professional (with or without a rusty scalpel- haven't decided yet).  

I do not watch Jersey Shore.  But that doesn't stop these assholes from coming into my life in one form or another.  One of my favorite shows, E!'s The Soup, features them literally every week doing something or saying something that most ancient society's would have publicly executed them for.  Not to mention magazines, the news, etc.  Seriously, CNN, when the fuck did Snooki become National Headline worthy?  

To further vent my anger, I am going to write a personal message to the above Jersey Shore cast members.  
1) Dear Pauly D.  Your head and hair looks like a brand new artist's paintbrush.  If you were to take the amount of gel you put in your hair every day and add it all up, BP could have filled in the Gulf Oil spill in about six hours.  Rarely do I get to see such an ugly, cocky bastard that embodies the very meaning of "New Jersey sterotype."  It's a wonder anybody likes you.  Scratch that, it's a wonder you made it out of your toddler years without your mother leaving you in a tanning bed overnight, or your father tossing you into the Atlantic with a cement block tied around your neck.  Sincerely yours- Someone who won't become a leech on society.
"MOM!  Why did you put hair gel on the chia pet again?!"

2) Dear Mr. The Situation.  Words cannot describe how much I loathe you.  There is not a cell in your body that I find to be even somewhat entertaining.  I have never heard you say anything that wasn't idiotic, nor have I ever seen your face and wonder whether or not it was left/right symmetrical.  I have also never met someone who was so entirely in love with himself.  I bet when you're by yourself (which is probably often), you "let off a little steam" by looking at a picture of your abs.  Speaking of which, do you have any idea how hard it is to Google image search a picture of you with your shirt on?  Yeah, I'll admit you are in good shape because I'm comfortable with my sexuality, but how much do you need to prove to yourself that you're straight?  Seriously, leave your shirt on, man.  The ladies don't always need to know what they are getting.  Ugh, I'd rather be friends with an Abercrombie & Fitch poster.  Sincerely Yours- Someone who won't be harmed by the one-two punch of melanoma and steroids.

How do you possibly respect someone with this level of egomania?  
He wants you to be looking at his abs, even if he has a shirt on.

3)  Dear, Snooki.  I don't know what your name means or how you got it.  It sounds like the type of candy that someone running a rape van might offer to little children.  But look, I don't need to get into this with you.  It's way too easy.  Plus, South Park dealt you a pretty nasty blow a month or so ago.  So, I guess I'll keep it simple: Stop drinking before you become 75% alcohol, stop tanning before your skin takes on the appearance of leather, and stop acting like people like you.  Trust me, no one does.  You're disgusting.  Sincerely Yours- Someone who gives such little of a shit about you, I took the time to write out my letters to Pauly D and The Situation, but not to you.  
"Today's forecast: Slutty with a chance of syphilis."

I really didn't argue my point here, but I think it's easier to agree with me with no evidence than it would be to disagree with me with all the evidence against me.  Yeah...that makes sense.  

I want to thank Teen from "A Daily Dose of Teen" for the idea to write this particular post.  You can find the link to her hilarious blog down on the right side of my blog's home page.  And if you have any thing you want me to tear into, just contact me with a comment or email.  I'd be happy to oblige!  


J Smith said...

If the world was right then Snookie wouldn't need to be sterilized because no one would have intercourse with that gross cow. However, some people will have smush smush with anything. Yikes

Shaun said...

I would agree with you but, unfortunately, most of the guys that hang out with her are rarely ever sober. It's like the old saying goes, "Alcohol. Getting ugly people laid since history times."