Jonah Goldberg Takes The Oddly Unpopular Stance Of Beating Young Adults.

Jonah Goldberg, pictured above, is a writer for the National Review as well as the author of "Liberal Facism."  I don't know if anyone remembers, but he was on "The Daily Show" on 1/16/08 to promote said book.  Jon Stewart promptly tore him a new asshole.  I remember the day quite fondly, because it was when I personally fell in love with Stewart's ability to crush subhuman amoebas like Goldberg in any debate.

More to the point, it's now four years later, and I had completely forgotten about him.  Imagine my surprise when I see his face on ThinkProgress, attached to this headline: "National Review Writer: Conservatives Should 'Beat' Young People Who 'Think Socialism Is Better Than Capitalism'." 

Conservative Talking Points Debunked.

Now that Romney is the Republican candidate, all of the Conservative talking points are (once again) being flung at President Obama - that he's a Muslim, that he wasn't born in the United States, yaddah yaddah yaddah.  Wait, sorry.  I say that like people ever shut the fuck up for a second to let the president do his job.  I should rephrase.  After the harrowing Republican primaries and debates, during which we watched a bunch of white people verbally abuse the living shit out of each other, the Right has rearmed and re-aimed its nonsense machine at the president. 

Well, folks, you've seen the man's birth certificate from Hawaii.  He says he's not a Muslim (as if his religion really matters), and he's yet to impose any Satanic/Islamic laws on us good Christians.  So I'm going to go ahead and say it: Stop.  Just stop.  

Dumb people already bought into that shit, and those of us intelligent Americans with not-so-short attention spans remember 2008.  We've heard it all before.  We didn't believe it then, and we won't believe it now.  No facts, no case.  You don't need to repeat yourself for the mouth-breathers of America.  They've been repeating that nonsense like it's gospel since McCain lost.

This is why President Obama is laughing in the picture above.  He is going to win reelection in 2012, as long as he can get his base motivated enough to get out and vote.  What is Romney going to dig up on him that people haven't heard already?  Nothing.  All he can do is regurgitate talking points for the next six months.  Here are just a few spun as the right-wing would.

1.) President Obama took credit for killing Osama Bin Laden - the credit belongs to the troops.  Well, yes and no.  President Obama often makes it known that OBL wouldn't have been taken out had it not been for the brave actions of our men and women in uniform.  Here's a fun fact: Bush had the opportunity to get Osama and he didn't take it.  President Obama made the decision to infiltrate Bin Laden's compound, and he did it despite everyone in his cabinet telling him not to.  In the end, Bin Laden was shot in the face, and everyone made it out alive.  Had Obama not made that call, the mastermind of 9/11 would still be loose, and the Navy Seals of Seal Team Six never would have entered Pakistan.   

2.) President Obama wants to take away our 2nd Amendment Rights.  This is false.  He has strengthened it, if anything, and only wants to take automatic weapons off the table.  It's a fair trade, I think.  Would you be comfortable seeing anybody walk down the street with an AK-47?  I doubt it.  Of course, the leader of the N.R.A., Wayne LaPierre, wants everyone to believe it's all a conspiracy, that the president will put his full plan into action in his second term.  Wayne LaPierre is also a fucking idiot.

3.) President Obama has increased taxes on the middle class, and has not pulled us out of the recession.  This is also false.  President Obama has not increased taxes on the middle class, and the jobless numbers are slowly dwindling.  If the Republicans would have compromised more with the Democrats over the last four years, things would be a lot better now. 

 4.) Obama is a Socialist.  Dead.  Fucking.  Wrong.  While bailing out the auto industry was a socialist move, look at the result.  The auto industry paid back all the money with interest before his first term was over!  President Obama is not a socialist - he's a progressive.  It doesn't matter, really.  Socialism is actually a great thing.  Americans, particularly conservatives, have it in their heads that it's a bad thing after the Red Scare.  Please understand that Socialism and Communism are two very different things.

Solving The Debt Crisis.

My question is, why does that skeleton have a mullet (a.k.a "the 

official haircut for idiots")?

Good news out of Washington tonight as the House passes a bill that will cut spending and raise the debt ceiling, while simultaneously leaving Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security alone.  Had the bill not been passed through the House tonight, and if it were to fail in the Senate, the U.S. will pass the debt ceiling limit tomorrow, bringing on the Apocalypse.  

That's right, the Apocalypse.  According to pretty much every economist, news anchor, politician, and pundit in America, our country defaulting would be what finally causes Satan to get his fat ass off the couch, break out the trident, and gather up his four horsemen to bring about the end of the world.  We are, in the hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, the most important society that has ever or will ever exist.  Listen guys, I highly doubt that the United States defaulting would be of any concern to Satan.  He's far too busy giving the guys over at MTV new ideas for television shows.  

"The Undefeated"... Unfortunately.

A lot of people that support Sarah Palin like to argue that those that do not support her are sexist, ignorant liberals that believe nothing but what the media tells them.  I am, however, under the belief that it isn't sexism or ignorance that guides us anti-Palinists; rather, it's the strong smell of bullshit and the overwhelming sense of stupidity that radiates from the emptiness of her skull that cause us to keep our distance.  

The fact that she is a woman means nothing.  I could care less if she were androgynous, transgender, male, or even a hermaphrodite.  Sex aside, what remains a constant is her blinding lack of knowledge and her idiotic, misinformed statements that pander to the right.  Liberals don't like Palin not because she is a woman, but because it is sickeningly obvious that she has absolutely no fucking clue what she is talking about.  If you want examples, you don't have to look far.  Palin's now infamous story of Paul Revere was the laughing stock of the American History departments in schools country-wide for weeks. She claims that she has more experience running government than the incumbent president, yet her resume consists of a half term as governor, some city council work, and a "correspondent/pundit" for Fox News.  Oh, shit, someone hire that woman immediately.  She sounds like she could really fix the economy with all that pundit training.  

Voting Made Not-So-Easy.

...Unfortunately.

I think it's common knowledge that most young people don't actually enjoy voting.  Let's face it, it's a tedious process (depending on where you live) with long lines, cranky adults that just want to go home, and the depressing reminder that you have to choose between Senator Dumbass and Representative Fuckhead to be in charge of your tax dollars, while knowing full well that they're just going to piss said money away on hookers and porn instead of fixing that goddamn pothole that has destroyed two of your tires and bent a fucking rim.

I'm pretty sure that the only people that like to vote can be lumped into two categories: they're either Republicans that believe it is our "God-given right" to vote (and will beat your ass, or try to, if you say otherwise), or they are the older generation of seniors who are blissfully unaware of what it is they are voting for (or maybe they simply don't care because they have little time left on this planet - "Listenin' to the damn rap music at nine o' clock at night!  I'll teach them!  Four more years of this idiot oughta do it!").

Fathers, Wildfires, and McCain.

Happy Father's Day!  Er...well, unless you're this guy.

I won't lie to you, readers.  I had a hard time coming up with this post, Father's Day or not.  How can I celebrate such a day, much less write about it, when my own biological father is no better at raising children than an autistic dust mite?  Last night while I tried to fall asleep, I thought about what it was I was going to make this particular post about.  It couldn't be my own dad.  Trust me, I really do want to write about what it was he did, to share with the world how much breathable oxygen is being wasted on him, but I simply can't bring myself to sharing that... yet.

So, while this post will focus on the antics of one particular father in this country, it won't be mine.  Or yours, for that matter.  As far as the day goes, I do indeed want to wish a happy father's day to all of the competent, caring, and loving dads out there.  As for the rest of you, well, go fuck yourselves.  There's no excuse not to be a part of your child's life. 

At any rate, the man I want to talk about today is none other than Senator John McCain.  He's been called a maverick, a flip-flopper, and a wrinkled old dude that's way past his prime.  I call him far more than that, and judging by the news stories that have exploded onto my retinas this morning, so does most of the world.

Found this and loved it.  While the post has nothing to do 

with his failed 2008 presidential run, this picture is too

 funny not to make note of.

Sarah Palin. Again.

Now, now, Sarah.  If anyone is awesome, it's me.

I don't feel like I can ever leave this woman alone.  You probably want to know why.  Let me be honest- I am aware that by continuing to acknowledge her existence, I'm doing nothing but throwing water on a grease fire.  Sure, the water is just making the flame larger but goddamn it, doesn't it just make sense to try and douse it with good ol' fashion H2O?  The problem is, more and more people are saying to ignore her (or, to throw sand on her) and hope that she'll go away.  But... she won't.  She is a fire that simply cannot be snuffed.  

That's why I propose that we try the one option that no one has dared to speak of- deprive Sarah Palin of oxygen.  Ever put a cover on a candle?  The fire burns off all of the oxygen and then just puffs out of existence.  And yes, I will indeed keep going with this metaphor because I think it's fantastic.

Let's Dispel Some Myths About President Obama.

My, God... America has elected a black, unpatriotic, socialist, Muslim, non-native, 

elitist, college-educated, non-military, inexperienced terrorist to the office of the President!  

Yes, that's right.  Two years ago, my foolish generation of non-racist, educated, rational liberals came out and voted in such numbers that John McCain was reminded of how badly he had lost to Abe Lincoln.  Are you happy, you hooligans?  Now the goddamn war is ending, we're improving our standing in the world, and our economy is snapping back from what could have been the next Great Depression.  I hope you're proud of yourselves.  

At least, that's what I would say if I was a bitter-ass Republican/Conservative (Note: Not all Rep/Cons hate Obama- just the majority- and I'm talking about them).  I have received so much untrue chain letters and heard so much ignorant blather about President Obama, it makes me sick.  I am all for criticizing government when it steps out of bounds- and I did it quite a bit between 2000 and 2008- but at least make sure you have your facts straight.  I'm going to dispel these stupid rumors right now.  Although there is one fact checking site I highly recommend for pretty much everything, and I believe it's called "Snopes.com".  Once again, everything I am about to say is plain common sense.  It would take roughly five minutes on a google search to prove these allegations wrong. 

An Educated Hypothesis About Sarah Palin.

Ever since John McCain announced that Sarah Palin was his nomination to be his Vice President for the 2008 election, I've been wondering something. How is she so fucking stupid?  I've cleaned smarter things out of my cat's litter box.

But today I had a realization: maybe she isn't stupid at all.  Maybe there is something hidden here.  Something that she doesn't want us to know.  So I did some digging on the interwebz and I have come to a startling conclusion.