Two Brilliant, Abstract-Thinking Fetuses Question Life And God's Existence.

This idiotic picture is being circulated around the internet as we speak.  It's all over my Facebook.  I decided I'm going to nip this in the ass right now and write about it before it gets any larger.

I don't often write about my personal religious views because I don't want to offend the few religious  friends and relatives I have that read my posts.  Don't pat yourselves on the back though, guys.  I am more than capable of offending you.  Case in point: what I'm about to write.  Do not read this post if you think that the above picture is clever and/or true.  Now I know what you're thinking.  You want to hit the "back" button on your browser, but some sick urge is just begging for your eyes to read on.  It's like a car accident.  You just have to look.  Well, I'm advising that you don't.

Okay.  Let's number this shit.  I love lists.

The #ToMyUnbornChild Twitter Trend.

I've said it in multiple posts and I'll say it again: there is nothing wrong with being gay.  As my loyal readers know, I am pro gay marriage and pro gay rights.  Sexual orientation is like skin color - unimportant when it comes to the law.  If a law is passed, is should either apply to all humans or no humans.  That seems like basic common sense to me.

Every single day, I am on the brink of either having hope for our species or wishing we would all do planet Earth a favor and suddenly die out.  I would have thought that, as we creep ever so cautiously towards the future, the hope inside of me would begin to outweigh the utter despair.  2012 is proving that little hypothesis of mine to be wrong.

How To Be A Good Lil' Customer.

"Oh, no, honey - it's okay.  I know I'm in a public place where

I'm expected to talk to other human beings, but I'd rather be rude

and make this call to you to talk about inane, unimportant nonsense."

 

I've worked in a lot of places in my life, and all of them have had something to do with food.  A movie theater, a gas station, two pizza places, and now the deli at a local grocery store.  It is my firm belief that everybody should experience the food industry (and maybe some retail) before settling into a career.  Why?  So that everybody knows what it's like to get treated like human garbage.  If you've served people, or used a cash register, or made people food, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.  Twenty people can come in and be absolutely great, but then that one asshole walks through the door with a ten foot stick up his ass, demanding that you make him a pizza while he simultaneously beats the piss out of you.

And what's the golden rule?  "The customer is always right."

That's why everyone should spend some time at Wendy's or a pizza joint.  It makes it a lot easier to empathize with the person on the other side of the counter if you've been there yourself.  Unless they are doing something completely idiotic (e.g. picking their nose while they make your sandwich), cut them a little slack.  A lot of people are far too impatient these days.  It's mind-boggling.  Here's a list of things people do as customers that they should stop doing until forever times.

Is Submission A Form Of Respect In A Christian Marriage?

The Iowa Straw Poll Debate came and went with nothing really turning up that hasn't been heard before.  The candidates stuck to their typical reality-bending, non-factual arguments (some of which have literally been debunked publicly by experts and analysts on their respective subjects) and, as always, their fearmongering.  But the award for "best shitty answer on-the-fly" has to go to Congresswoman Bachmann.  For some back story on her answer, let's turn to this quick, two minute video.  Pay really close attention from the 30 second mark on.  

"From there, my husband said, 'Now you need to go get a post-doctorate degree in tax law'.  Tax law?  I hate taxes.  Why should I go and do something like that?  But the Lord says, 'Be submissive.'  Wives, you are to be submissive to your husband... I was going to be faithful to what God was calling me to do through my husband."

David Tyree Should Stick To Sports And Stop Talking.

Shhhhh.  It's quiet time.

It's no secret that I am all for the legalization of gay marriage.  Yes, it's true.  I don't have the time nor the emotional capacity to waste on a feeling as idiotic as homophobia.  This isn't 10,000 B.C.  Men do not show their dominance over each other by... *ahem* making other men be submissive.

Evolutionarily speaking, that's where this pervasive male feeling of homophobia comes from.  Back when we were more animal than human, men proved their status as alpha male by making those beneath them in station be literally beneath them for, let's just say, 1-4 minutes.  Notice how most women don't see the big deal with gay marriage?  Ever seen a heterosexual woman shirk away from a homosexual woman?  Probably not, unless they were extremely religious.

But I digress.  The fact of the matter is, it's the 21st century.  We are making technological leaps every single day and yet, socially, we seem to be moving backwards.  And I don't mean overall.  We were making progress several years ago.  Now that whole effort seems to be withdrawing from the shore like waves at low tide.  

With all this newfound, misled and unfortunate hate aimed at the followers of Islam, illegal immigrants, and gay men and women, I have to wonder... what the hell is going on?

Demonizing Educators.

"What are you, some kinda edumacated lady?"

This is the second post in a row about the ongoing assault on teachers.  Some of you are probably thinking that I am taking this personally because I am currently in school to be a teacher, and you are all right.  Of course I'm pissed.  I don't appreciate people saying that "it's not hard to be a teacher" or "teachers make too much money", particularly since neither statements are correct.  I've shadowed teachers as an educator-in-training, not as a student.  Trust me, it's different when you are seeing things from the other side.  Sitting in the English department's teacher lounge at a local high school, I can remember them talking about how the administration doesn't back them up on anything, and how some of them worked another job just to get by.  

But how can that be if they make too much money?  

As far as I'm concerned, this fight has gone beyond the union.  It's not about the union anymore.  Reading through some comments on the CNN article, you get choice phrases like: 

1.) If these folks were in manufacturing they would have already lost their job or taken a serious pay cut. Why are teachers so much loftier than manufacturers that they deserve steady pay and secure jobs?

- Teachers are not manufacturers, you're right.  But they do deserve steady pay and secure jobs because they are responsible for educating your children.  Oh, don't have children?  Too bad.  You're still paying taxes, which pays teachers.  Oh yeah, and teachers pay taxes too so... technically they are paying themselves.  The reason teachers are getting pissed is because their pay is already cut.  They really don't make much.  How could they possibly be motivated to teach well if they are making as much money as someone without a college degree?  Oh yeah, by the way, manufacturers don't have to watch your kids all day.

Have Some Friggin' Pride, Mainahs.

"Maine?  Isn't that in Canada?"

Despite the fact that 31% of my state is responsible for electing the biggest moron in government since George W. Bush, I can't simply back down and fall into embarrassed isolation.  While many people my age would refuse to admit it, there are a lot of things to be proud of about this state.  Sure, we don't have giant amusement parks or cities, tropical weather or a diverse population.  So what do we have?  Without further ado, I present my top ten reasons why being a "Mainah" is the shit.  Hold your applause to the end, please.  I hate being interrupted.  ...Oh, and these are in no particular order.

How To Man Up And Use Your Turn Signal.

Well, that about sums up this post.

Holy Christ, people.  Is it possible for me to drive anywhere these days without being intercepted by at least ten individuals that have no idea what a goddamn turn signal is?  Or even how to use it?  It is literally one of the most important actions you perform while driving, next to staying awake and keeping both hands on the wheel.  And it's not even that hard!  All you do is flick the little lever up or down!  It even does half the work for you and returns to its equilibrium once the car is done turning.  

To illustrate how simple it is to initiate the turn signal, I've taken the liberty of "drawing" some instructions for people who lack the capability of understanding the concept... oh, shit... flaw in that plan.  How can I expect them to "work the computer machine and the interwebz" if they don't know how to signal?  Hmmm... 

The Difference Between "News" and "Shit Nobody Cares About".

No, this is not marijuana- it's salvia, and it is incredibly potent.  

I am beginning to wonder if the news networks we have here in America even know what "news" is.  I have seen too many stories like the one above make national headlines, causing every moron with an earpiece and a microphone to comment on it in one form or another.  

Miley Cyrus news should be left to Access Hollywood and other networks that nobody watches.  Why?  Because her actions have no impact on anybody but her and her Redneck family.  Honestly, do we even need to follow her life story?  We know how it's going to play out- all we need to do is look at the Lindsay Lohan timeline.   

How Languages Die...LoL!

LAUL OUT LOUD!

Have you ever wondered how Latin died out as a language?  Me too!  Unfortunately, I would rather make up a reason in order to prove my point than tell you the real one!  You see, it is my belief that the Romans were so exhausted from killing Barbarians, non-Christians, Pagans, and each other, that they got really tired of speaking and writing in long, complete sentences.  Latin became known only to the people that needed to know it (priests and the like) and everyone else briefly forgot how to communicate until the Italian language came into existence.  

I see this happening now, and have seen it happening ever since AIM was cool back in the fourth grade. It bothered me then, and it bothers me to this day.  Maybe it's the English major in me, I don't know, but holy fuck, does anybody know how to use commas and apostrophes anymore?  Or capital letters?  

Before this goes any further, there are a few issues I would like to clarify:

1) I want it known that I am not targeting people that do this every now and then.  My issue is more with the concept of shortening words and eliminating basic grammar than it is with the people that do it.  

2) Yes, you've seen me use what is called (whether you know it or not 1337 speek, or "leet speak") in several of my posts, but notice that I only do it for a laugh.  In other words, there isn't a font for "moron" so I use this leet speak.
3) I realize that texting and Twitter makes long typing difficult.  I don't have any problem with the texting (if you have received one from me, I'm sure you noticed that I do my best to actually use grammar) because the cell phone companies have our balls in a vice-grip on that one.  And Twitter's purpose is to keep what you say short, although I would argue that if you have to use leet speak to avoid going over the 140 character limit, you're probably missing the point of Twitter.

It's Official: Democratic Senators Are Pussies, And People Are Stupid.

Republican Senators Don't Listen To Their Constituents.

Well, once you are finished proving your point, please blame the Democrats

for not doing their jobs.  As an American, I am stupid enough to believe you.

Yesterday, the United States Senate shot down an extension of the Bush Tax Cuts that would have cut taxes for families earning under $250,000.  Everyone above that limit would be taxed.  But Republicans wouldn't have it.  "Everyone must have the cuts," they said.  Yes, because the wealthy 1% of America can't afford to hand over a little bit more money.  I'm sorry, but if you can't live comfortably making more than $250k a year, you might be addicted to spending money.  Or really hard to please.  It's also worth mentioning that the House of Reps passed the bill earlier on.

So many things piss me off about this.  There is no reason why any family making more than $250k should be that upset about this.  To put this amount of money into perspective, as a future teacher, I'll be lucky if I make roughly $50k a year at the highlight of my career.  If I wanted to not have my taxes cut, I would need to teach at five different schools everyday of the week, getting paid at each one.  In other words, I'd be working 24/7, and I still wouldn't make enough money (school day= 6 hours, 5 schools X 6 hours at each= 30 hours a day which is literally not possible).  

Here's what made me even more upset.  In an effort to end the debate and show a bit of kindness, the Democrats said, "Okay.  Let's assume $250,000 a year per family isn't enough.  Maybe American parents have become rabbits and are popping out twelve kids per household.  Let's push a bill through that would cut taxes for any family that makes less that $1 million."  What did Republicans say?  "Tax cuts for all!  I make more than a million and I don't want to be taxed!  The lobbyists that pay me don't want to be taxed either!  Tax cuts for all!"

Let's Dispel Some Myths About President Obama.

My, God... America has elected a black, unpatriotic, socialist, Muslim, non-native, 

elitist, college-educated, non-military, inexperienced terrorist to the office of the President!  

Yes, that's right.  Two years ago, my foolish generation of non-racist, educated, rational liberals came out and voted in such numbers that John McCain was reminded of how badly he had lost to Abe Lincoln.  Are you happy, you hooligans?  Now the goddamn war is ending, we're improving our standing in the world, and our economy is snapping back from what could have been the next Great Depression.  I hope you're proud of yourselves.  

At least, that's what I would say if I was a bitter-ass Republican/Conservative (Note: Not all Rep/Cons hate Obama- just the majority- and I'm talking about them).  I have received so much untrue chain letters and heard so much ignorant blather about President Obama, it makes me sick.  I am all for criticizing government when it steps out of bounds- and I did it quite a bit between 2000 and 2008- but at least make sure you have your facts straight.  I'm going to dispel these stupid rumors right now.  Although there is one fact checking site I highly recommend for pretty much everything, and I believe it's called "Snopes.com".  Once again, everything I am about to say is plain common sense.  It would take roughly five minutes on a google search to prove these allegations wrong. 

Ten Reasons Why Walmart Is Crippling Society.

Oh, Walmart. You've had this coming for so long.  I do believe

that I'm going to enjoy this.

Last Friday (if I remember correctly), I threw up a post about the ten movies I hate the most in this world.  It was, apparently, very popular so I've decided to do a "Ten ____" every Friday from now on.  In an effort to keep this blog more about social issues and less about what I'm interested in personally, I thought that Walmart would be a great place to start.  And by "a great place to start", I mean that I'm going to make you never want to shop there again.  

Of course, most of the reasons why I believe that Walmart is destroying our society can be found in the documentary entitled Walmart: The High Cost of Low Prices.  And yes, you can find the whole 98 minute film on google videos, or you can instant Netflix it.  A word of warning about the documentary:  I can guarantee it will make you furious- so furious that you will contemplate murdering the next person you see.  

While I have never worked at Walmart, I have known several people that have/are, including my own father.  So between the documentary and some personal witnesses, I think I have enough experience on the subject to get ten convincing reasons out there as to why Walmart is a fat, ugly tumor on the rectum of society.  Like the movie list, these are in no particular order.  

Spheidi Prontag Is A Disease On Society.

I don't know what makes me hate this picture more- the fact that Spencer is wearing

a "Palin for VP" shirt, or that Heidi is holding a book she clearly cannot read.  I also like

how Spencer looks as though he can smell Heidi's implants melting under the hot sun.

I debated whether or not to waste my breath on these two, and already I am regretting my decision to write this post.  Still, someone has to knock these two down a peg, and everyone seems content to just let these morons have their ten minutes of fame.  Well I'm not.  Hear me, reader?  I don't think that either of these two should have had even a fraction of a second in the spotlight.  The mere fact that they think they are important in any way pisses me off.  

"But Shaun, you're doing nothing except keeping their 'fame' alive by talking about them." No.  News programs that give these two time to promote their books/shows are the ones keeping them socially relevant.  I, however, have nothing good to say about them.  They are rude, vain, and unappreciative of everything that has been laid down at their feet since birth.  Do either of them know what it's like to scrape money together so that they can afford to college?  Probably not- they are rich and most likely turned off by the idea of learning.  Do they know what it's like to have to go weeks on leftover food because they can't afford to buy new groceries?  Again, probably not.  On more than one occasion, I have survived by making my own pizza dough, covering it with garlic butter and cheese, and pretending it was delicious.  I say "pretend" because, in actuality, I could feel it shaving off minutes of my life with every bite I took.  

"I Can't Concentrate, Like... I Totally have ADHD..."

Sometimes common sense is better than eight years of medical school.

This ADHD and ADD shit is getting out of control.  Rarely do I meet a person who doesn't inform me that they have one of the two, and I can usually tell it's a self-diagnosis.  How?  Because neither disorder turns itself on and off at will.  You either always have a hard time paying attention, or you don't.  Sure, everyone gets distracted, but most people can learn to tune those things out over time (depending on the annoyance).

What A Terrorist Is and What A Terrorist Isn't.

And we were just starting to make some progress.

Thanks, Rufio.  

Prompted by the recent "attack" in Oregon, I've decided that it's about time we get one thing straight about terrorists.  The dictionary definition of "terrorist" is not "someone who practices Islam".  It never has been, and it never will be.  Here are two definitions straight from the dictionary:

1) A person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.

2) A person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Gay Marriage. Don't like it? Don't get one.

If homosexuals are demons in disguise, then what does

that make a hate-filled, ignorant asshole such as yourself? 

I've had about enough of this stupid, drawn out argument.  There is no reason why homosexual men and women cannot get married.  None.  The definition of marriage means nothing, and neither does the out-of-context passage in your old book.  Just the same, there is no reason why gay couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt either.  Recent studies have proven that children raised by gay parents not only grow up to be exceptional human beings, they are generally more well-behaved.  Oh, what's that?  You'd rather a kid grow up in a shelter?  Or on the street?  Or in a home where the father abuses the mother on a nightly basis?  I see your point- at least he won't grow up to be gay.  By the way, child molesters, murderers, and hardcore drug dealers are allowed to get married and have kids.  You don't see anyone stopping them.  Are gay parents really that bad?  (Hint: The answer is No.)

Black Friday, Part Two- The Aftermath.

"So much death... what can men do against such reckless hate?"

Black Friday came and went.  Amongst the slashed prices and now abandoned retail outlets, there lies several tales of psychotic, energy drink fueled shoppers harming one another.  How could that possibly be funny?

Answer: The mere fact that people are willing to kill over a sale at Wal-Mart causes me to question my faith in mankind.  I scoured the interwebz to find some of the headlines for yesterday's Black Friday madness.  Here are some of the articles that stood out the most:

Ten Movies I Would Rather Scoop My Eyes Out With A Rusty Spoon Than Watch Again.

This looks like it could do the trick...

I hope my American readers enjoyed their Thanksgiving!  Now let's get back in the swing of things with my own personal Top Ten list of awful movies.  I will, of course, list these in no particular order, as they all deserve the honor of to rotting in the very depths of Hell.  If given a choice between sitting through these and a rusty spoon, I'd go with the spoon.  Oh, and one more thing before I begin.  These are all movies that I have seen.  Yes, there are worse movies out there, but I think I'm pretty good at avoiding most of them.  These ones slipped by... although one of them I knew would be awful.