I Work Through My Sadness By Beating Conservatives With Logic.

As many of you know, I had a bit of a breakdown the other night after Scott Walker won his gubernatorial reelection in Wisconsin.  I threw a good ol' fashioned pity party complete with a gallon of chocolate ice cream, sad clown face paint, and six straight hours of crying like a baby.

I'm kidding, of course.  I got really pissed, wrote a blog post that maybe twelve people read, and then went to sleep.  But I bounced back from my anger (I almost deleted this blog) with the help of my good friend Ted over at Jobsanger, and with the realization of two things: that Walker's victory means nothing and that the American media needs to go away.  I'll have more on that stuff in another post.

Scott Walker Wins And I Lose Faith In This Country.

This idiot re-won the governor seat in an unconventional Wisconsin election tonight, proving that if you've got money and friends in the right places (with money!), you can pretty much buy democracy. 

Side note: I have absolutely given up on this fucking country.  This is heart-wrenching. 

With Scott Walker winning again, despite the horrible way in which he has run his state in the last couple of years, it's actually possible that Mitt Romney could win the presidency.  I'm not saying that Wisconsin has that much pull in the election come November.  I'm merely stating that Americans are as ignorant and as unintelligent as the rest of the world thinks we are.  Fact. 

With this win for Walker, we have proven to the world that we can be bought, and that we are dumb enough to believe blatant lies in the face of facts.  We are a blemish on this planet, and a war in which the rest of the world unites against us cannot possibly come soon enough.

I pledge to you all that if Romney wins this November, I will pack up and move overseas so long as I have the financial means to do it.  I don't care where.  For an added bonus, I will document that journey with actual photographs of me moving my shit out of my apartment here in Maine.

And it will culminate in me renouncing my citizenship of this backward moving, homophobic, misogynistic, plutocratic, theocratic mass of land that embarrassingly calls itself "The Land of the Free."    

Now I know what some of you (white older males) are thinking: "Good!  Get out of here, you unpatriotic son-of-a-bitch!"  And that's totally fine.  Because I don't want to be here when the rest of the world realizes we are still breeding, watering down the collective gene pool with racists, bigots, and all-around assholes.   

David Koch: Philanthropist By Day, Batman Villain By Night.

I know I said that I would be talking about the Koch Brothers, but it's much easier to talk primarily about David Koch.  His brother, Charles, is like-minded when it comes to politics, and I figured a long post about two old white guys would start to sound dreadfully bland - "white," if you will.  Then again, most of my political posts are about white guys.

At any rate, as I was reading about David Koch, I found that he reminded me of Harvey Dent.  Hell, maybe they're related.  Harvey Dent is, of course, a purely fictional character that also goes by the name of "Two-Face."  Just ask Batman.  Reading through David's biography is like reading the journal of a schizophrenic.  On one day he's saving lives, and on the next day he's blowing up cities.   It created a bit of a conundrum for me because, unlike Roger Ailes and Pat Robertson, David Koch has actually done good things.  He gives millions to charities and organizations as well as to art and education programs.  You know that show Nova on PBS?  He donated $7 million to it!

If David Koch's history of giving stopped right there, I'd label him a bona-fide philanthropist and call this post finished.  Unfortunately, it doesn't.  You get the feeling after reading through the full list of his donations that he really only gives to charity in order to save face.  That sounds awful, I know, but hear me out.

"Our Children Are Stupid! It's Their Teacher's Fault! Let's Cut Their Pay!"

"I'm attacking the leadership of the [teacher's] union because

they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

-Republican Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie

Part of the reason I love Mr. Christie's quote is because it can be applied to almost anything BUT teachers.  Here's the deal- soon to be educator or not, I have no clue what goes on in the teacher's union. Having said that, I can't imagine it's as bad as the republicans are making it out to be.  Here are a few different ways we could apply the above quote:

1) "I'm attacking the [cast of Jersey Shore] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

2) "I'm attacking the [multitudes of fat underneath my chin] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

3) "I'm attacking the [self-righteous idiots of my own political party] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

4) "I'm attacking the [owners of Krispie Kream, not because they cut me off for eating one-hundred donuts in a row, but] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

5) "I'm attacking the [ladies in the front row with my libido-killing smile] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."
6) "I'm attacking the [babies of New Jersey] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

Is there a point to the rewording of Mr. Christie's... words?  No.  It was just incredibly fun to do.  I should make a party game out of it...