"It Couldn't Have Happened To A Better Country."

My thoughts go out to the people of Japan.  May you

all find strength in the face of this disaster. 

The great and talented Aldous Huxley once said, "If human beings were shown what they're really like, they'd either kill one another as vermin, or hang themselves."  Cynical? Yes.  Depressing?  Absolutely.  True?  One hundred percent.  In the past couple of weeks, I have found myself looking around and just wanting to clock someone right in the face.  Day after day, I am subjected to idiocy on a scale that makes me wonder if Mother Nature is just pissed at us for being collectively stupid.  

Case in point: A man walked into the gas station I now work at for the weekend paper early Saturday morning.  He picked up the local bundle, and glanced at the headline as he placed it on the counter.  With a smile, he told me, "It couldn't have happened to a better country."  I looked down and saw the image of a Japanese soldier with a civilian over his shoulder, stumbling away from certain disaster.  My heart sank as I realized that he was talking about the 8.9 quake that had hit Japan.  I couldn't help myself.  "What do you mean?" "Payback for Pearl Harbor," he said like it was obvious.  Before I could even respond, he put two dollars on the counter and walked out.  

This, I think, was a good move on his part.  I was more than willing to risk losing my job in order to strangle a middle aged man that had clearly failed history class.  I am a bit peeved that I missed such a glorious opportunity, so maybe one day he'll stumble on this blog of my and read my following response:

The Sheen-Machine.

"Why doesn't anyone understand?!  I beat women and do

heavy drugs while working on an unfunny sitcom!  What

part of that isn't clear after a goddamn decade!?"

Do you see this man?  This man right here?  He is a narcissistic fucking lunatic.  And yet, for some strange reason, the media is going crazy over him.  For the past week, one of CNN's top headlines has been about this raging douche and, after checking other news outlets, I was shocked to discover that they weren't alone.

This is not Hollywood's first rodeo with an egotistical assclown like Mr. Sheen here.  In fact, it is hardly their tenth with him in particular.  At least once a year, the rest of the world and I play witness to a Sheen-Machine breakdown. One year he's beating his wife, the next year he's in rehab, the year after that he's sober but screwing/beating porn stars...  Rinse and repeat.

And now he's saying crazy shit about his sub-standard television sitcom that, in all honesty, is about as funny as British humor.  As of the moment, he makes $2 million an episode (really?!), and he wants that bumped up to $3 million per episode.  I would rather go with a system where he gets paid based on how many laughs the show gets from its audience, multiplied by one hundred.  Oh, shit... then he'd work for nothing.  "Two Guys and A Sheen" got axed, and had to finish the season a few episodes short due to his latest antics (such as insulting everyone else on the show and the network on national tv/radio).

Oh, but it gets better.  When defending his "honor" on several talk shows, the Sheen-Machine has been talking about how he's been receiving calls from celebrity friends that are totally on his side.  One of his examples?  Mel.  Fucking. Gibson.  That is like being a four-time murderer on trial, only to call Jeffery Dahmer to the stand to defend you.  

So I beg you, America.  Stop paying attention to him.  He has a God-Complex the size of his drug closet (it takes up a whole wing in his mansion, if you weren't aware), and an attitude that is matched only by his level of douchebaggery.  Don't believe me?  He keeps two porn stars around and calls them his "goddesses".  You aren't Zeus, Sheen-Machine, and those ladies certainly aren't part of your harem.  They're only with you because of your money and rapidly deteriorating fame.  But I guess you'll find that out soon enough.