Facts: A Beginner's Guide For Conservatives.

*Warning!*  If you are not familiar with grade school level science, the English language, or reality in general, you may have trouble comprehending this article. Of course, as it is meant for my conservative readers (a.k.a. the people that accidentally stumbled here because reading things you don't agree with is almost fundamentally out of your wheelhouse), I'll try to keep my words small, the sentences brief, and the pictures plentiful.

Here's a fun game:

One of the following sentences is a fact and the other one is not. Can you tell which one is which?

A.) Getting punched in the dick hurts.
B.) President Obama wants to take away everyone's guns.

It's Official! President Obama To Seek Third Term As POTUS.

Readers, you all know by now that I worship President Obama.  I have an entire room in my apartment dedicated to his existence, complete with hair follicles, pictures, and a piece of gum he spit out on his last trip to Maine.  It's obvious, I think, by now that he has never done anything wrong in his life, nor will he ever, and will go down in history as the greatest president to ever hold the office of Commander-in-Chief, future presidents included.  He is the reason I get up every morning (I have to recite the Obama Loyalty Oath during the rise of the sun), and the reason I go to bed every night (he frequently visits me in my dreams for a little homo-erotic subconscious sinning).

I, like all leftist, atheist, liberal socialists, was afraid last year.  I was afraid that our Dear Leader would only have four years to accomplish the take-over of this country.  Luckily for us, Romney was soundly defeated thanks to our tampering with the vote count in Florida, Virginia, and Ohio, bringing about four more years of radical change.

The innocent Republicans are scared and on the run, but all they have to do is hang on until 2016.  Will that be enough time for us to finish our mission, my brothers and sisters?  No, it won't.  Thankfully, President Obama's loyal and devout followers have realized this.  Representative Jose Serrano of New York has begun taking the necessary steps to repeal the 22nd Amendment with HJ Resolution 15.

Does HJ Resolution have any chance of passing?  No... in fact, it has zero chance of making it out of committee.  It always has.

Oh, did I say "always"?  Well, President Obama actually began taking the steps to secure his third term back during the Bush Administration in the year 2001.  Clever, huh?  Unfortunately, Serrano's resolution won't be the president's solution to his third term.  In fact, changing amendments won't do it at all.

According to page 45 of the Ninth Essentials Edition of "We The People" by Ginsberg, Lowi, Weir, Tolbert, and Spitzer:

"The Constitution established procedures for its own revision in Article V.  Its provisions are so difficult that the document has been successfully amended only 17 times since 1791, when the first 10 amendments were adopted.  Thousands of other amendments have been proposed in Congress, but fewer than 40 of them have even come close to fulfilling the Constitution's requirement of a two-thirds vote in Congress, and only a fraction have gotten anywhere near adoption by three-fourths of the states."

Shit.  Only 17 times, huh?  Looks like Representative Serrano missed the mark, here.  So what, then, is our Dear Leader going to do to get reelected in 2016?  Simple!

The recent spike in gun violence in this country has given our side an advantage.  We can now use the threat of future violence to lure centrists to our side and get the numbers we need to do what must be done to finish our radical liberal take-over of America:

Take their guns.

Without their guns, the right-wing will be completely defenseless, allowing President Obama to move U.S. troops into every state to usurp the rights of conservatives and Republicans alike.  It'll be quick, almost overnight.  We can't give them any warning.  It's why Obama has yet to take a single right away from anyone since he took office in January of 2009.  They can't see it coming, and they can't be able to defend themselves.  A strong right-wing defense just means more left-wing casualties.

Soon we'll be able to stop pretending that we're the ideology of peace and rational thought, of equality and love.  Soon we can cast aside that mantle and show our true colors!

Of course, Obama will need millions of loyal agents willing to go into the homes of their fellow Americans to actually take these guns.  We'd need to get law enforcement involved and ready to go along with the plan, too.  Courts would also need to look the other way... logistics might be an issue... and conservatives would probably defend themselves from the seizure...

You know what?  Let's not think about the crazy details just yet.  We've got four years to work the kinks out.  And a third term?  Totally doable.






























Anyone who believes that President Obama is running for a third term is a fucking idiot.  And to think that his supporters are "sheep" enough to go along with something so ridiculous is ignorant and disrespectful.  He's a good president, sure, but goddamn, he has no intention of running for a third term in any way, shape, or form.  Why the hell would he?

For more on why this story is a conspiracy theory and nothing more, check out this Addicting Info article.

Or this quote from David Adler, director of the Andrus Center for Public Policy at Boise State University:

“There is nothing in his tenure as president, nothing that we know of him, that indicates that Barack Obama is going to seek a third term. Short of a military coup, the 22nd Amendment stands as an insurmountable obstacle to a third-term president today, and there is no evidence to suggest Obama or his supporters are planning on staging a coup. It’s a right-wing fantasy cooked up to try to frighten Americans.”

Fascism And The GOP (Part One).

I was perusing the internet today (something I haven't had time to do in a long while) and I stumbled upon this handy little guide that defined Fascism in fourteen simple characteristics.  So instead of writing something about killing tools (guns) or general ignorance, I decided to draw up a comparison of what a Fascist state is like and what the modern Republican party is like.

Now before I go on, I want to get one thing clear: this is a liberal comedy/information blog written by an independent.  So while I could compare this same list to the Democrats (who do line up with a few of the numbers, but not the majority of them like the GOP does), I won't.  Do that yourself, you lazy fuck.

Another note: I am fully aware that this has probably been done before as the internet is a very large place.  Hell, I found one that compared the fourteen points to President Obama, albeit in a not-very-serious manner.

Here's the quick foreword from the website I got these from: "Dr. Lawrence Britt has examined the fascist regimes of Hitler (Germany), Mussolini (Italy), Franco (Spain), Suharto (Indonesia) and several Latin American regimes. Britt found 14 defining characteristics common to each."

Mitt Romney To Govenor Scott: Your Good News Is Clashing With My Narrative.

One of the biggest issues of the 2012 election is who can create more jobs, President Obama or Mitt Romney.  With a dropping unemployment rate since August of 2011 (excluding last month, of course), it's hard to argue that what Obama is doing isn't working.  The U.S. is, despite the roadblocks set up by a Republican Congress, crawling out of the Great Recession that the president inherited from George Bush.

"But, Shaun!" you might say.  "The president had a Democratic majority in the House and the Senate from 2008 to 2010.  Why didn't he get more done then?!"  Read up on what a filibuster is or, better, how many times the Republicans used it, then get back to me.

Romney Will Give Americans Another War.

Image found at 3chicspolitico.com

It's no secret that the majority of Americans did not look favorably on our war with Iraq, or with the president that took us into that mess.  So why would anybody advocate another war with a country that has not provoked us?  At this point in time, it's a good way to commit political suicide.  

Enter Mitt Romney,  Someone forgot to plug him in the another night to recharge, apparently forcing a system-wide reboot.  A few flips weren't saved, so they flopped.  It was quite the disaster for his management team.

Ten Logic Fallacies Used By Politicians (Part One).

Before I begin this particular post (and the one to follow), I want to thank E. Magill over at The Unapologetic Geek for compiling this list.  While the logical fallacy selections are his, the commentary is my own.

We're all aware of how most elected officials have their own way of speaking, much like lawyers do.  The best of them can turn an argument on its head or have you believing something that is completely fictitious.  Here are the first five of ten specific tactics to look out for the next time you hear any politician talk.

1.) The Straw Man Argument.

Lawsuit Says Obama Can't Be President Due To The Color Of His Skin.

 

One of the many reasons that I dislike all politicians (particularly career ones) is that they never mean what they say or say what they mean.  This character flaw obviously isn't just reserved for them, though.  Loads of people are two-faced these days.  One of the fantastic things about the political sphere since 2008 is that the masks have been melting away to reveal the true men and women that wear them. 

Democrats have fallen victim to the unveiling - Anthony Weiner being a prime example.  But, as luck would have it, not everyone has gotten on board the victim train.  Republicans have actually embraced what they've been subtly hinting at for years.  As Justin Rosario writes over at Addictinginfo.org:

"If there is silver lining in the greasy dark cloud that right wing politics has become it’s that the Right has dropped any and all pretense. We knew, years ago, that the fight over abortion was really about contraception for women. Rick Santorum and his fellow candidates have been kind enough to drag that one kicking and screaming into the light for all to behold. But more importantly, the core of pure racism that the GOP has thrived on for half a century has cracked the paper thin veneer of respectability conservatives have carefully constructed. With the election of a black man to the White House, that racial hatred has come pouring out so fast it’s almost impossible to imagine that only four years ago, people were referring to America as a post-racial country."

Iraq v. Libya.

 

This fantastic visual aid is courtesy of ThinkProgress.org and the Center for American Progress.  Of course, if you still believe that President Bush was a better leader for our military, than this chart - with all its big words and fancy colors - will probably just confuse you.  So go get some crayons!  Here's some space for you to make your own pseudo-reality chart in: 

President Obama made the right move in working with our allies to free Libya from it's tyrannical dictator.  In this age, we can't afford to just go in to every country we don't agree with sans N.A.T.O. support.  $1.1 billion and no American lives lost?  Sounds like a win to me.

Rick Perry Is An Asshole.

As most of you probably know, I am no fan of Governor Rick Perry.  If you didn't know that, well... I'm not a fan of Governor Rick Perry.  I'm glad that's out in the open.  Setting aside the fact that Texas found the one person in America that is a living, breathing caricature of George W. Bush (who was, on his own, an amalgam of every Southern stereotype), I can't stand Rick Perry for the following reasons:

1.) My cats could probably beat him in a debate, and I'm pretty sure one of them is mentally challenged.  Seriously - he runs into walls and tries to bite lit candles.

2.) He puts himself on this pedestal of righteousness that he doesn't deserve.  The man is a con artist, and any fifth grader with access to Google could tell you the same.  Roughly eight years ago, Perry tried to earn himself, the state of Texas, and Wall Street speculators money off of the deaths of retired teachers with a life insurance scheme.  Would the families get anything?  No.  And just the other day, my fellow blogger over at Jobsanger wrote a great post about how Perry "retired" in January- while still governor of Texas -and is now receiving both a salary and a pension.      

3.) Uhhhh.....uhmmmm.....I forgot.  Oops.

David Koch: Philanthropist By Day, Batman Villain By Night.

I know I said that I would be talking about the Koch Brothers, but it's much easier to talk primarily about David Koch.  His brother, Charles, is like-minded when it comes to politics, and I figured a long post about two old white guys would start to sound dreadfully bland - "white," if you will.  Then again, most of my political posts are about white guys.

At any rate, as I was reading about David Koch, I found that he reminded me of Harvey Dent.  Hell, maybe they're related.  Harvey Dent is, of course, a purely fictional character that also goes by the name of "Two-Face."  Just ask Batman.  Reading through David's biography is like reading the journal of a schizophrenic.  On one day he's saving lives, and on the next day he's blowing up cities.   It created a bit of a conundrum for me because, unlike Roger Ailes and Pat Robertson, David Koch has actually done good things.  He gives millions to charities and organizations as well as to art and education programs.  You know that show Nova on PBS?  He donated $7 million to it!

If David Koch's history of giving stopped right there, I'd label him a bona-fide philanthropist and call this post finished.  Unfortunately, it doesn't.  You get the feeling after reading through the full list of his donations that he really only gives to charity in order to save face.  That sounds awful, I know, but hear me out.

Pat Robertson is God's Weatherman.

I was originally going to do the Koch Brothers today in an attempt to go straight down the list over at Addicting Info, but the recent east-coast quake unearthed some hateful religious sediment that I couldn't ignore.

Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson is a televangelist and hardcore evangelical preacher that can be seen on his show The 700 Club.  He is also quite well known for being pure human garbage.  Just to refresh your memory, this is the guy that co-blamed the September 11th attack on "pagans, abortionists, gays, lesbians, and feminists" and said that Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment against the U.S. for our abortion policies.    

What really bothers me about Pat Robertson is that, despite his claims, he is not a Christian.  He just runs his show and says this awful bullshit for money.  Infamous quotes aside, Pat Robertson has more skeletons in his closet than could possibly fit.  

Roger Ailes And His Propaganda Machine.

There is an art to persuading people these days.  In a time when technology is advancing with each passing hour, only one man has been able to reach into millions of homes and turn fiction into fact with the same ease as he freezes water into ice: Roger Ailes.

While most know him as the creator and "Chairman" of Fox News, Ailes has a disturbing history of right-wing extremism and paranoia.  He was always drawn to television, even as a little boy, and rose quickly to the rank of executive producer on The Mike Douglas Show by the age of 25.  His big break came in 1967 when he met former Vice-President Richard Nixon backstage of the show, telling Nixon that "the camera doesn't like you."  Nixon responded, "It's a shame a man has to use gimmicks like television to get elected."  Ailes was passionate about TV, and shot back, "Television is not a gimmick.  And if you think it is, you'll lose again."  It was at that moment that Roger Ailes became Nixon's executive producer of television, in charge of recreating the man's image in order to appeal to voters.

During Nixon's campaign, Ailes began to blur the line between journalism and politics.  Ailes knew that Nixon was a disaster on television.  He also believed that the media was anti-Republican.  So, he decided to go for the throat, as it were, and circumvent the press - go straight to the people.  By forcing reporters to watch the events of, say, a "town hall meeting" backstage, Ailes had found a way to subtly reduce the freedom of the press to a mere privilege.  Nixon was able to answer to voters with staged questions instead of on-the-fly "gotcha" questions from the media.  

Shocking News! Palin Criticizes President Obama!

You smug little troll, you.

In a rather interesting (albeit unsurprising) turn of events, Palin took to the internet on Monday the 8th to prove once again that she is the ultimate troller.  I attempted to visit her Facebook page for more concrete information but, to be perfectly honest, my mind couldn't bear all of the ignorant, racist word-crap that it was taking in.  Within seconds, I felt as though I had just gazed upon the Ark of the Covenant's disgusting, unholy twin.  

Luckily, I was able to find the filter button that showed only Palin's posts before my face melted.  In a "note" that she titled "Conquering the Storm", Sarah Palin bragged about how she saw the downgrade in the U.S.'s credit rating coming, and that the whole Obama-Reid-Pelosi spending binge got us to this point.  She then went on to talk about how we need to get off foreign oil and create more jobs here.  With alternative energy perhaps?  Nope!  She wants to drill here in America (forgetting all about the BP gulf disaster), and like a Natural Gas executive talking point, she listed all the reasons why natural gas is good and clean and blah blah blah.

Solving The Debt Crisis.

My question is, why does that skeleton have a mullet (a.k.a "the 

official haircut for idiots")?

Good news out of Washington tonight as the House passes a bill that will cut spending and raise the debt ceiling, while simultaneously leaving Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security alone.  Had the bill not been passed through the House tonight, and if it were to fail in the Senate, the U.S. will pass the debt ceiling limit tomorrow, bringing on the Apocalypse.  

That's right, the Apocalypse.  According to pretty much every economist, news anchor, politician, and pundit in America, our country defaulting would be what finally causes Satan to get his fat ass off the couch, break out the trident, and gather up his four horsemen to bring about the end of the world.  We are, in the hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, the most important society that has ever or will ever exist.  Listen guys, I highly doubt that the United States defaulting would be of any concern to Satan.  He's far too busy giving the guys over at MTV new ideas for television shows.  

Did That Really Just Happen?

From left to right: Eric Cantor, John Boeh - wait, you know what?

Who gives a shit?  Let's just call them the guys that fucked us.

Around 8:15 P.M. eastern time last night, I watched as the House of Representatives passed the "Cut, Cap, and Balance Act."  Whoops, sorry!  Did I say House of Representatives?  I mean the Republicans in the House of Representatives.  In an almost pure-party line vote, the Republicans used their majority to pass their economic recovery "plan" which, if you look into it, is not so much as a recovery plan as it is a masterfully crafted shit-storm of blame.  It's almost as though the Republicans leaders consulted with Lord Voldemort, Darth Vader, Sauron, Lex Luthor, Satan, and (perhaps) Rupert Murdoch over the weekend and devised this brilliant piece of legislature.

Demopocalypse - Part II.

You, sir, are correct.

This post will be brief and not cover a specific politician, but rather a trait of the entire democratic party.  What is that, you ask?  Well, when comparing the republicans and the democrats, one thing in particular stands out: how soft-spoken the democrats are.

And by "soft-spoken", I mean complete and utter pussies.  The political sphere is brutal, and there simply is no room for the "let's all play nice and compromise" attitude that the democrats repeatedly try to bring to the table.  Republicans are bombastic, loud, and always act like someone is behind them, slowly shoving a stick up their ass.   Look what happened in 2008!

Voting Made Not-So-Easy.

...Unfortunately.

I think it's common knowledge that most young people don't actually enjoy voting.  Let's face it, it's a tedious process (depending on where you live) with long lines, cranky adults that just want to go home, and the depressing reminder that you have to choose between Senator Dumbass and Representative Fuckhead to be in charge of your tax dollars, while knowing full well that they're just going to piss said money away on hookers and porn instead of fixing that goddamn pothole that has destroyed two of your tires and bent a fucking rim.

I'm pretty sure that the only people that like to vote can be lumped into two categories: they're either Republicans that believe it is our "God-given right" to vote (and will beat your ass, or try to, if you say otherwise), or they are the older generation of seniors who are blissfully unaware of what it is they are voting for (or maybe they simply don't care because they have little time left on this planet - "Listenin' to the damn rap music at nine o' clock at night!  I'll teach them!  Four more years of this idiot oughta do it!").

Republicans Sure Love Their Flip-Flops.

What does Dick Cheney, Barbara Bush, Cindy McCain, and 

Laura Bush all have in common? (Hint: NOT Breasts)

If you guessed "they now all believe in gay marriage", you're correct! 

I suppose having a Democrat in the office of the president, coupled with the fact that elections are next year, is enough to make any logically-thinking Republican do a complete 180 on views that they "have always had".  All of a sudden, these four are saying that "Obama isn't doing enough to support marriage equality".  I'm sorry, say that again former staunch opponents of gay marriage.  I couldn't quite hear you over the sheer amount of bullshit spewing from your mouth.

Have Some Friggin' Pride, Mainahs.

"Maine?  Isn't that in Canada?"

Despite the fact that 31% of my state is responsible for electing the biggest moron in government since George W. Bush, I can't simply back down and fall into embarrassed isolation.  While many people my age would refuse to admit it, there are a lot of things to be proud of about this state.  Sure, we don't have giant amusement parks or cities, tropical weather or a diverse population.  So what do we have?  Without further ado, I present my top ten reasons why being a "Mainah" is the shit.  Hold your applause to the end, please.  I hate being interrupted.  ...Oh, and these are in no particular order.

What A Terrorist Is and What A Terrorist Isn't.

And we were just starting to make some progress.

Thanks, Rufio.  

Prompted by the recent "attack" in Oregon, I've decided that it's about time we get one thing straight about terrorists.  The dictionary definition of "terrorist" is not "someone who practices Islam".  It never has been, and it never will be.  Here are two definitions straight from the dictionary:

1) A person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.

2) A person who terrorizes or frightens others.