The #ToMyUnbornChild Twitter Trend.

I've said it in multiple posts and I'll say it again: there is nothing wrong with being gay.  As my loyal readers know, I am pro gay marriage and pro gay rights.  Sexual orientation is like skin color - unimportant when it comes to the law.  If a law is passed, is should either apply to all humans or no humans.  That seems like basic common sense to me.

Every single day, I am on the brink of either having hope for our species or wishing we would all do planet Earth a favor and suddenly die out.  I would have thought that, as we creep ever so cautiously towards the future, the hope inside of me would begin to outweigh the utter despair.  2012 is proving that little hypothesis of mine to be wrong.

How To Be A Good Lil' Customer.

"Oh, no, honey - it's okay.  I know I'm in a public place where

I'm expected to talk to other human beings, but I'd rather be rude

and make this call to you to talk about inane, unimportant nonsense."

 

I've worked in a lot of places in my life, and all of them have had something to do with food.  A movie theater, a gas station, two pizza places, and now the deli at a local grocery store.  It is my firm belief that everybody should experience the food industry (and maybe some retail) before settling into a career.  Why?  So that everybody knows what it's like to get treated like human garbage.  If you've served people, or used a cash register, or made people food, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.  Twenty people can come in and be absolutely great, but then that one asshole walks through the door with a ten foot stick up his ass, demanding that you make him a pizza while he simultaneously beats the piss out of you.

And what's the golden rule?  "The customer is always right."

That's why everyone should spend some time at Wendy's or a pizza joint.  It makes it a lot easier to empathize with the person on the other side of the counter if you've been there yourself.  Unless they are doing something completely idiotic (e.g. picking their nose while they make your sandwich), cut them a little slack.  A lot of people are far too impatient these days.  It's mind-boggling.  Here's a list of things people do as customers that they should stop doing until forever times.

LePage Rage.

Note: Every picture of Governor LePage is followed by an actual, word for word quote.  Link is at the bottom.

"I would say intelligence, uh, the more education you have

the more knowledge you have the better person you are and I 

believe yes and yes." -When asked if he believed Creationism

should be taught in Maine schools, May 2010.

It should be of no surprise to anyone paying attention to American politics that the incumbent governor of Maine, Paul LePage, is a twit.  He won with 38.3% of the vote in 2010 because the election had numerous runners, including three independents and a democrat.  Had the latter dropped out, independent candidate Eliot Cutler would have received more than 50% of the vote.  To give you a sense of how much better of a person Cutler is than LePage, he didn't run a single negative campaign ad during the election season.  Not one.    

But we got stuck with the man that literally looks like how all big-business republicans are portrayed.  Some say the appeal of LePage is that he is blunt and straightforward - characteristics that most politicians unfortunately lack.  Those that do not support the governor, myself included, argue that his bluntness is an understatement.  He behaves more like a mob boss than a state leader.  He is supposed to represent the state of Maine and, as such, the people of Maine.  Instead, he is an embarrassment to us, and really to all of New England.  Like an unedited, walking conservative-republican talking points memo, LePage does everything in his power to tear down unions, education, labor laws, human rights, the environment, the president, and liberals.  Don't believe me?  Fuck it, let's take a good look at some examples, all of which will be rated according to the "Dick Scale."  The Dick Scale is a measure of how much of a dick an individual is, or how "dickish" his/her's actions are.  My scale is simple, ranging from 1-5, 1 being that the person/action isn't dickish, and 5 being a person/action that is clearly such a dick, words can barely describe it.

America's New Goal - Failing.

"Today's word is: Under-appreciated."

As frequent readers know, I have a bit of a bias towards educators in America.  How could I not?  For some strange reason, I'm studying to be a high school teacher myself (don't worry, parents, the stuff you find on this blog will be left at the door of my classroom).

Despite the ass-reaming Wisconsin teachers received at the hands of their state legislature, I have not changed majors.  Despite the continuing cuts to education at both the state and federal level, I have not changed majors.  No, no, don't praise me.  I'm no hero.  I'm clearly just a glutton for punishment.  Why do I, personally, stay in?  I'll quote one of the professors at my college - "You can either be on the front lines of the fight, or you can watch from the sidelines as teachers become more and more ostracized with each passing year."  

Voting Made Not-So-Easy.

...Unfortunately.

I think it's common knowledge that most young people don't actually enjoy voting.  Let's face it, it's a tedious process (depending on where you live) with long lines, cranky adults that just want to go home, and the depressing reminder that you have to choose between Senator Dumbass and Representative Fuckhead to be in charge of your tax dollars, while knowing full well that they're just going to piss said money away on hookers and porn instead of fixing that goddamn pothole that has destroyed two of your tires and bent a fucking rim.

I'm pretty sure that the only people that like to vote can be lumped into two categories: they're either Republicans that believe it is our "God-given right" to vote (and will beat your ass, or try to, if you say otherwise), or they are the older generation of seniors who are blissfully unaware of what it is they are voting for (or maybe they simply don't care because they have little time left on this planet - "Listenin' to the damn rap music at nine o' clock at night!  I'll teach them!  Four more years of this idiot oughta do it!").

The Government Shutdown.

As our government moves to shutdown mode, all of our hope

rests on the efforts of an albino ghost and a tanned carrot.

We're fucked.

Everyone who is anyone is talking about the government shutdown that seems inevitable tonight at midnight.  That's right, I said it.  You aren't cool unless you are talking about this.  I guess that means I'm not cool.  The fact of the matter is, there are several reasons why I don't give a shit about whether the government shuts down tonight or not.  Allow me to explain.

1.) We, as individuals in the United States of America, have little to no say as to what goes on at the Federal level.  Hell, we hardly have any say at the State level (Example: my own state elected a pompous windbag that had only 38% of the vote).  Bitching about the nuances of what a shutdown means will do absolutely nothing.  It won't stop the House and Senate from getting paid, it won't give the military their money any faster, and it won't keep people at their desk.  Why?  Because we are fucking lazy.  If all of the non-politicians in this country rose up, then hell yeah, we could do something about this.  But we aren't going to band together.  The closest thing we'll come to in terms of "rising up" is joining a Facebook page that might - might - make the news.  And guess what, America?  Senators don't give a flying fuck about Facebook.

Michele Bachmann. Tea-bagged.

Continuing my trend of showing all of you, my readers, the dumb things politicians say, I examine the top ten quotes of the Tea Party's own Mad Hatter (as if there were just one), Michele Bachmann.  Many of you know her as Minnesota's House Representative, but all of you know her as the bat-shit crazy, stick-up-her -ass conservative that is (potentially) running for....

... you guessed it: President in 2012!  So before you all start jumping for joy at the prospect of a woman other than Sarah Palin getting elected into the commander-in-chief seat, let's take a look at some Michele's little quips.  By the way ladies, can you stand someone up that isn't completely psychotic?  I would really love to have a woman in the white house, but I would prefer it to be someone that isn't out of their mind.

1.) This is her way of saying that the American culture (if one could call our mashed up society a "culture") is the best in the world without actually saying it.  A politician's work-around.  Guess what, Michele?  I can't count on my hands how many cultures in this world are more interesting, or more rich than ours because I don't have enough fingers.  If our culture is the epitome of them all, then humanity is in serious trouble.  Try leaving your limo and security once and awhile.  You'll see what I mean.

I Found The Escaped Reptile From The NY Zoo... But It Was A Newt, Not A Snake...

Fun fact: The muppet "Beeker" was inspired by Newt's face, 

not his physique.

I, my good friends and readers, have come out of a brief period of isolation to bring you some news about a man who will be running as a Republican candidate for the Presidential office in 2012.  Due to some recent comments made by Newt (who is both literally and metaphorically "half reptile") that I cannot ethically let slide, I bring to you the following commentary.

Why am I pissed this time?  First of all, I'm not always angry, and shame on you for assuming such a thing.  I'm actually quite a calm individual.  Until people that represent this country say stupid shit like this:

"I have two grandchildren: Maggie is 11; Robert is 9," Gingrich said at Cornerstone Church here. "I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

"It Couldn't Have Happened To A Better Country."

My thoughts go out to the people of Japan.  May you

all find strength in the face of this disaster. 

The great and talented Aldous Huxley once said, "If human beings were shown what they're really like, they'd either kill one another as vermin, or hang themselves."  Cynical? Yes.  Depressing?  Absolutely.  True?  One hundred percent.  In the past couple of weeks, I have found myself looking around and just wanting to clock someone right in the face.  Day after day, I am subjected to idiocy on a scale that makes me wonder if Mother Nature is just pissed at us for being collectively stupid.  

Case in point: A man walked into the gas station I now work at for the weekend paper early Saturday morning.  He picked up the local bundle, and glanced at the headline as he placed it on the counter.  With a smile, he told me, "It couldn't have happened to a better country."  I looked down and saw the image of a Japanese soldier with a civilian over his shoulder, stumbling away from certain disaster.  My heart sank as I realized that he was talking about the 8.9 quake that had hit Japan.  I couldn't help myself.  "What do you mean?" "Payback for Pearl Harbor," he said like it was obvious.  Before I could even respond, he put two dollars on the counter and walked out.  

This, I think, was a good move on his part.  I was more than willing to risk losing my job in order to strangle a middle aged man that had clearly failed history class.  I am a bit peeved that I missed such a glorious opportunity, so maybe one day he'll stumble on this blog of my and read my following response:

The Sheen-Machine.

"Why doesn't anyone understand?!  I beat women and do

heavy drugs while working on an unfunny sitcom!  What

part of that isn't clear after a goddamn decade!?"

Do you see this man?  This man right here?  He is a narcissistic fucking lunatic.  And yet, for some strange reason, the media is going crazy over him.  For the past week, one of CNN's top headlines has been about this raging douche and, after checking other news outlets, I was shocked to discover that they weren't alone.

This is not Hollywood's first rodeo with an egotistical assclown like Mr. Sheen here.  In fact, it is hardly their tenth with him in particular.  At least once a year, the rest of the world and I play witness to a Sheen-Machine breakdown. One year he's beating his wife, the next year he's in rehab, the year after that he's sober but screwing/beating porn stars...  Rinse and repeat.

And now he's saying crazy shit about his sub-standard television sitcom that, in all honesty, is about as funny as British humor.  As of the moment, he makes $2 million an episode (really?!), and he wants that bumped up to $3 million per episode.  I would rather go with a system where he gets paid based on how many laughs the show gets from its audience, multiplied by one hundred.  Oh, shit... then he'd work for nothing.  "Two Guys and A Sheen" got axed, and had to finish the season a few episodes short due to his latest antics (such as insulting everyone else on the show and the network on national tv/radio).

Oh, but it gets better.  When defending his "honor" on several talk shows, the Sheen-Machine has been talking about how he's been receiving calls from celebrity friends that are totally on his side.  One of his examples?  Mel.  Fucking. Gibson.  That is like being a four-time murderer on trial, only to call Jeffery Dahmer to the stand to defend you.  

So I beg you, America.  Stop paying attention to him.  He has a God-Complex the size of his drug closet (it takes up a whole wing in his mansion, if you weren't aware), and an attitude that is matched only by his level of douchebaggery.  Don't believe me?  He keeps two porn stars around and calls them his "goddesses".  You aren't Zeus, Sheen-Machine, and those ladies certainly aren't part of your harem.  They're only with you because of your money and rapidly deteriorating fame.  But I guess you'll find that out soon enough.

    

Miscarriage Equals Prenatal Murder... If You Are A Dumbass.

Representative Bobby Franklin of Georgia.

His appearance is similar to an "all-grown-up", "never been dead", 

Casper... assuming Casper was a pasty-faced, misogynistic, asshole.

Because I don't want to hemorrhage my brain this morning, I'm going to try and make this post as brief and as to-the-point as I possibly can: Georgia State Republican House Representative Bobby Franklin is a fucker.

He is a stupid, ignorant, uneducated fucker.  He has no idea how the human body works, and has clearly never even had an intimate conversation with a woman.  I like to picture him as the guy that always plugs his ears or leaves the room during health class because "private parts are icky".  Why do I say this?

Representative Franklin is drafting a bill to be put forth in the state house (not the federal, mind you) that would criminalize miscarriages.  I'm sure that you're probably thinking, "Well, if abortions are illegal, then self-induced miscarriages probably are too."  Well, you'd be wrong.

Doctors have little to no idea what exactly causes miscarriages.  In fact, many women miscarry before they even know they are pregnant- we only know about the ones that occur between the middle and the end of a pregnancy.  Let me run you through an imaginary conversation between a doctor and would-be mother.

Demonizing Educators.

"What are you, some kinda edumacated lady?"

This is the second post in a row about the ongoing assault on teachers.  Some of you are probably thinking that I am taking this personally because I am currently in school to be a teacher, and you are all right.  Of course I'm pissed.  I don't appreciate people saying that "it's not hard to be a teacher" or "teachers make too much money", particularly since neither statements are correct.  I've shadowed teachers as an educator-in-training, not as a student.  Trust me, it's different when you are seeing things from the other side.  Sitting in the English department's teacher lounge at a local high school, I can remember them talking about how the administration doesn't back them up on anything, and how some of them worked another job just to get by.  

But how can that be if they make too much money?  

As far as I'm concerned, this fight has gone beyond the union.  It's not about the union anymore.  Reading through some comments on the CNN article, you get choice phrases like: 

1.) If these folks were in manufacturing they would have already lost their job or taken a serious pay cut. Why are teachers so much loftier than manufacturers that they deserve steady pay and secure jobs?

- Teachers are not manufacturers, you're right.  But they do deserve steady pay and secure jobs because they are responsible for educating your children.  Oh, don't have children?  Too bad.  You're still paying taxes, which pays teachers.  Oh yeah, and teachers pay taxes too so... technically they are paying themselves.  The reason teachers are getting pissed is because their pay is already cut.  They really don't make much.  How could they possibly be motivated to teach well if they are making as much money as someone without a college degree?  Oh yeah, by the way, manufacturers don't have to watch your kids all day.

"Our Children Are Stupid! It's Their Teacher's Fault! Let's Cut Their Pay!"

"I'm attacking the leadership of the [teacher's] union because

they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

-Republican Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie

Part of the reason I love Mr. Christie's quote is because it can be applied to almost anything BUT teachers.  Here's the deal- soon to be educator or not, I have no clue what goes on in the teacher's union. Having said that, I can't imagine it's as bad as the republicans are making it out to be.  Here are a few different ways we could apply the above quote:

1) "I'm attacking the [cast of Jersey Shore] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

2) "I'm attacking the [multitudes of fat underneath my chin] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

3) "I'm attacking the [self-righteous idiots of my own political party] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

4) "I'm attacking the [owners of Krispie Kream, not because they cut me off for eating one-hundred donuts in a row, but] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

5) "I'm attacking the [ladies in the front row with my libido-killing smile] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."
6) "I'm attacking the [babies of New Jersey] because they're greedy, they're selfish and they're self-interested."

Is there a point to the rewording of Mr. Christie's... words?  No.  It was just incredibly fun to do.  I should make a party game out of it...

How To Make A "Call Of Duty" Game.

So badass.  He HAS to be American.

The Call of Duty franchise has really taken off, ever since the release of the fourth installation in the series "Modern Warfare".  Allow me to give a brief breakdown of the seven main games:

1) Call of Duty- A game about World War II.

2) Call of Duty 2- ... Another game about World War II.

3) Call of Duty 3- ... Really?  Another WWII game?

4) Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare- Ah, a breath of fresh air.  Wait... Middle-East conflict...Russia... isn't this a bit too soon?

5) Call of Duty 5: World at War- Uh, what the fuck?  World War II again? Oh, now I'm killing the Japanese and not the Nazis.

6) Call of Duty 6: Modern Warfare 2- So is this a continuation of the story line from the fourth game?

7) Call of Duty 7: Black Ops- Does the maker(s) of these games know how time works?

The games are published by Activision, and made by Infinity Ward and Treyarch.  IW and Treyarch seem to alternate making every other game, although I'm not sure why.  They all kind of turn out the same in the end.  So, I decided to start my own gaming company.  I thought this would be a huge investment, but I researched their techniques and found that everything I needed to create a war game was right here on my MacBook.  What did I title it, you ask?  Obviously the only thing I could title a game so badass.

KILL SHIT 2: YOU'RE AMERICAN AND NO ONE ELSE DESERVES TO LIVE.

You're also probably wondering why it's a sequel.  That's so people assume there was a first one, and it just had to have done well enough to deserve a second game.  But I learned a lot from the experience of making this epic tale of ass-kickery.  How could I possibly keep it all to myself?  Here are some pro-tips for all you would be game creators out there.

Sarah Palin. Again.

Now, now, Sarah.  If anyone is awesome, it's me.

I don't feel like I can ever leave this woman alone.  You probably want to know why.  Let me be honest- I am aware that by continuing to acknowledge her existence, I'm doing nothing but throwing water on a grease fire.  Sure, the water is just making the flame larger but goddamn it, doesn't it just make sense to try and douse it with good ol' fashion H2O?  The problem is, more and more people are saying to ignore her (or, to throw sand on her) and hope that she'll go away.  But... she won't.  She is a fire that simply cannot be snuffed.  

That's why I propose that we try the one option that no one has dared to speak of- deprive Sarah Palin of oxygen.  Ever put a cover on a candle?  The fire burns off all of the oxygen and then just puffs out of existence.  And yes, I will indeed keep going with this metaphor because I think it's fantastic.

How To Man Up And Use Your Turn Signal.

Well, that about sums up this post.

Holy Christ, people.  Is it possible for me to drive anywhere these days without being intercepted by at least ten individuals that have no idea what a goddamn turn signal is?  Or even how to use it?  It is literally one of the most important actions you perform while driving, next to staying awake and keeping both hands on the wheel.  And it's not even that hard!  All you do is flick the little lever up or down!  It even does half the work for you and returns to its equilibrium once the car is done turning.  

To illustrate how simple it is to initiate the turn signal, I've taken the liberty of "drawing" some instructions for people who lack the capability of understanding the concept... oh, shit... flaw in that plan.  How can I expect them to "work the computer machine and the interwebz" if they don't know how to signal?  Hmmm... 

So...Senate... Might I Humbly Inquire As To What The F**k Is Going On?

This might be giving incumbent Senate Republicans too much credit... to say

they made it past the first biped on that chart is insulting to the rest of us.

Yes, yes, there was no post yesterday.  I'm sure you were all heartbroken over my absence.  The reason nothing was put up was because I hesitated to write an update as to what the Legislative Branch is doing.  Why?  Well, it's roughly due to the fact that they are all fucking over the place.  One day it's Tax Cuts, the next day it's Don't Ask Don't Tell, and the next day you have someone filibustering for over eight hours.  Yes, I said eight hours.  Could you imagine listening to someone- sorry, something (as he is a politician)- talk for that long?  I'm sure they had people on the Senate floor just shoveling that bullshit into wheelbarrows by the third hour of his "speech".

I also didn't write anything yesterday because I was too enraged by what little news that crossed into our sane world absent of tangible federal government.  Also, please note, it is no longer a sane world thanks to aforementioned news.  Actually, it never really was.  Don't wrap yourself up in a false sense of sane security.  It won't work, trust me.  

Anyway, two major things happened since Thursday that I feel are important to talk about.  There were also a few minor things here and there that I will get to, time permitting.  The first thing is...

We Need To Make Everything Wireless.

Unacceptable.

Every time I go to plug something in, I ask myself:  Is it really worth the hassle of untangling the power cord?  Don't sit there and judge me.  You've had the same thought.  Whenever my cell phone dies, I weigh the importance of being in touch with society against the anger I will soon feel from untwisting the tiny charging cord from a writhing ball of junk cables.  Yes, I keep all of my cords in one place.  Why bother separating them?  I'd probably forget where they are and then be super shit out of luck.

Ten Movies I Would Rather Scoop My Eyes Out With A Rusty Spoon Than Watch Again.

This looks like it could do the trick...

I hope my American readers enjoyed their Thanksgiving!  Now let's get back in the swing of things with my own personal Top Ten list of awful movies.  I will, of course, list these in no particular order, as they all deserve the honor of to rotting in the very depths of Hell.  If given a choice between sitting through these and a rusty spoon, I'd go with the spoon.  Oh, and one more thing before I begin.  These are all movies that I have seen.  Yes, there are worse movies out there, but I think I'm pretty good at avoiding most of them.  These ones slipped by... although one of them I knew would be awful.  

RAGE POST- Isn't It A Bit Early To Reboot The Spider-Man Movies?

He looks so uncomfortable... does the Spider-Man costume

have a stretchy neck because this guy looks part giraffe.

Meet your new Peter Parker, actor Andrew Garfield.  You might know him from such classics as The Social Network, two episodes of Doctor Who from 2007, and the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.  But if you're like me, you probably have no fucking clue who this guy is.   

Sony Pictures is already rebooting the very well done Spider-Man series that was directed by Sam Raimi and had Toby Maguire as the web-slinging superhero.  I have to know though... isn't this a bit too soon for a reboot?  I mean, sure, the Hulk movie was rebooted in less time with Edward Norton, but lets face it, the first one was like watching cats scratch a chalk board for two hours.