Ten Movies I Would Rather Scoop My Eyes Out With A Rusty Spoon Than Watch Again.

This looks like it could do the trick...

I hope my American readers enjoyed their Thanksgiving!  Now let's get back in the swing of things with my own personal Top Ten list of awful movies.  I will, of course, list these in no particular order, as they all deserve the honor of to rotting in the very depths of Hell.  If given a choice between sitting through these and a rusty spoon, I'd go with the spoon.  Oh, and one more thing before I begin.  These are all movies that I have seen.  Yes, there are worse movies out there, but I think I'm pretty good at avoiding most of them.  These ones slipped by... although one of them I knew would be awful.  

RAGE POST- Isn't It A Bit Early To Reboot The Spider-Man Movies?

He looks so uncomfortable... does the Spider-Man costume

have a stretchy neck because this guy looks part giraffe.

Meet your new Peter Parker, actor Andrew Garfield.  You might know him from such classics as The Social Network, two episodes of Doctor Who from 2007, and the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.  But if you're like me, you probably have no fucking clue who this guy is.   

Sony Pictures is already rebooting the very well done Spider-Man series that was directed by Sam Raimi and had Toby Maguire as the web-slinging superhero.  I have to know though... isn't this a bit too soon for a reboot?  I mean, sure, the Hulk movie was rebooted in less time with Edward Norton, but lets face it, the first one was like watching cats scratch a chalk board for two hours.

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Must Be Stopped.

"LOLZ!  We r so funny!"

"OMFG!  I no rite!"

This isn't really one of those "let me convince you of this" posts.  Frankly, after I list these guys cinematic "accomplishments", I won't need to convince you of anything.  You'll be on my side from the get go.

If you don't know who JF and AS are, they are writers and directors of Hollywood movies that somehow manage to get greenlit.  See if you recognize these awful movies, which I have listed for you in chronological order from oldest to newest:

3D Blogz! They're All The Rage Now!

Darth Vader iz so kewl now lol

If you aren't wearing your 3D glasses, don't read this post.  Seriously, it will be so blurry that your eyes will cross and then explode out of your head.  I'm kidding of course.  And despite the sillyosity (pronounced "sil-ee-os-city" and yes, I made it up) of the Vader picture, I didn't choose it at random.  You see, George Lucas has exciting news for you!  For the third time, the original Star Wars trilogy will be released into theaters, followed by the second debut of the newer three movies, in DOLBY DIGITAL 3D!  HOLY SHIT.  I'll give you a second to change your pants, as I'm sure you just pissed them in excitement.

Yup, in 2012, the first of them will hit theaters (A New Hope or A Phantom Menace... not sure what the order is yet) and totally blow your mind.  Because, you know... all movies that are converted into 3D after being filmed not in 3D totally rock socks.  

Things You Shouldn't Do In A Movie Theater.

This guy can't wait to go see a movie.  He's fuckin' pumped.

I've always been a firm believer when it comes to the idea that people should have fun and enjoy themselves when they go to their local movie theater.  There is no need to be angry, violent, sarcastic, or pissy.  I will admit, I haven't been employed for long at the movie theater I work at (who's name I will not say for privacy reasons), but in the almost six months I've been there, I've seen some horrifying shit.

So, in an effort to at least curtail some of this stupidity, I give you the following list of things you shouldn't do in the movie theater, as well as tips to make your viewing experience tons o' fun.  Because I am an organizational freak, I have put them into sub-categories depending on where you are in the theater.  We all set?  Here we go then.

Michael Bay is the Worst Director of All Time.

 "If digital effects were a woman, I'd have

non consensual sex with her."

The title really doesn't lie.  Type in "Michael Bay is" into the google search bar, and it immediately tries to finish your line of thought with these sweet and tasty gems:

-Michael Bay is a douche
-Michael Bay is the devil
-Michael Bay is a hack
-Michael Bay is a racist