Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sarah Palin. Again.

Now, now, Sarah.  If anyone is awesome, it's me.

I don't feel like I can ever leave this woman alone.  You probably want to know why.  Let me be honest- I am aware that by continuing to acknowledge her existence, I'm doing nothing but throwing water on a grease fire.  Sure, the water is just making the flame larger but goddamn it, doesn't it just make sense to try and douse it with good ol' fashion H2O?  The problem is, more and more people are saying to ignore her (or, to throw sand on her) and hope that she'll go away.  But... she won't.  She is a fire that simply cannot be snuffed.  

That's why I propose that we try the one option that no one has dared to speak of- deprive Sarah Palin of oxygen.  Ever put a cover on a candle?  The fire burns off all of the oxygen and then just puffs out of existence.  And yes, I will indeed keep going with this metaphor because I think it's fantastic.

There are many ways to go about this, but I realize that there are some people that don't want to get their hands dirty.  That's fine- I respect that.  Ask yourself, though... would you choke out a regular, run of the mill person?  Probably not.  Would you choke out Sarah Palin?  I think we all know the answer to that.  Here are just a couple ideas I can come up with on the spot (if you think I sit around for hours and brainstorm this stuff, you're sorely mistaken- it all flows from the noggin'):

1) We get a man with big hands to simply choke her out.  Of course, if it makes her feel any better, we can do it on national (or even international!) television so she can get her last fifteen seconds of fame.  For some odd reason, I think she'd be down for it.  The sad part is, it'd probably get higher ratings than her "nature show", and we'd have to choke out a member of the Palin clan once a year to satiate our thirst.  Oh, and who wants to bet it'd be on FOX.  I know that's generally considered to be a conservative network, but try and tell me with a straight face that they'd pass at that money-makin' opportunity.
"Who will Big Steve strangle this season? Will it be Bristol?  Todd? 
Tune in this Sunday at eight to find out!"

2) Knowing full well that many people wouldn't agree to deprive another human being of air, I've come up with a solution similar to the firing squad method.  For those of you that don't know, not everyone in a firing squad has a loaded weapon.  Only one (or maybe two) have an actual round chambered, and the rest have blanks.  This ensures that no one will know who fired the killing shot, and basically allows the entire squad to walk away with a clear conscience.  So let's do something similar.  I say we build an airtight box  (of the "not see through" variety) and just stuff her in there.  Attached to the box will be a vacuum turned on by remote control.  How many controls are there, you ask?  Over a thousand, and only one of them works.  They can be handed out to a large group of people and told to hit the "on" button at the exact same time.  The vacuum will turn on, suck the air out of the box, and no one will know who turned on the death machine or even, for that matter, if she actually died.  I would like to note, however, that as no one will be opening the box, it's assumed that if the vacuum doesn't kill her, two weeks with little oxygen and no food or water will.  Is this method a bit morbid?  Sure.  Does it seem like I put a lot of thought into it?  I hope not.  I came up with it as I typed it.  

3) We can put a collar around her neck that tightens whenever she says something stupid... she wouldn't last ten minutes.

The sad thing is, she could probably convince her constituents that Santa
is a socialist (even though socialism isn't necessarily a bad thing).  

Look, not one of those three things are to be taken seriously.  In fact, they were, as I said, made up on the spot at one in the morning.  And before anybody accuses me of being a misogynist or some other nonsense like that, allow me to stonewall that right now: I am not attacking her because she is a woman.  I am attacking her because she is stupid as holy hell, and she doesn't know when to stop.  To be completely honest, she's too easy of a target, and if you criticize me for anything, let it be that.  I plan on balancing this out soon with a nice post on the new House Majority Leader, John Boehner (which is really "Boner"... c'mon, John... admit it).  

Sarah Palin thinks she's suddenly the most important figure in America, and has to flap her dumb mouth every time something happens in this country.  John McCain unleashed a monster on us by taking her out of Alaska, and now all he can do is sit back in shame and watch as she single-handedly makes him look like a complete idiot (something he had no trouble doing on his own, mind you).  Guess what, Sarah?  The Tucson shooting had nothing to do with you.  The whole North-South Korea thing had nothing to do with you.  Dr. Laura's racist comments on national radio had nothing to do with you (and yet you stood up for her?).  

You, Sarah Palin, had limited experience in government, and that was at the state level.  How dare you insult our incumbent president, who has more experience and tact in his right pinky than you do in your entire family.  You are now a commentator for FOX News.  Go away.  No one gives a flying fuck what you think, so stop spouting your ignorant, nonsensical rhetoric to the world.  I'm not sure how I can be clearer here.  Sarah Palin is irrelevant now, and she has been since the day it was announced that Obama would be the next president of the United States.  The only reason she's still in the spotlight is because of the stupid shit she says, the stupid people that follow the stupid shit she says, and the stupid media for continuing to put her and her brood on television.  Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars?  Really?  She had a kid out of wedlock with some douche-bag, and then turned around and started preaching abstinence.  Are we going to see someone from MTV's Teen Mom on next season, DWTS?  Maybe you can get that chick on there that beat the christ out of her boyfriend in front of their daughter on television.  

And come on Discovery Channel.  A nature show for Mrs. Shoots Endangered Wolves From A Helicopter?  For Mrs. Polar Bears Aren't Going Extinct?  I mean, kudos to canceling it after one season, but I've lost a lot of respect for you for polluting the airwaves with it in the first place.      

So, in conclusion, I wouldn't be sad if I heard on the news that Sarah Palin spontaneously combusted, or suffocated on a wad of her own idiocy tomorrow.  All I can do, realistically, is hope that this whole love affair that the media has with her will die long before the next presidential election.  Because if she is in charge of this country for any length of time, I will move to a secluded island and write my future blog posts on palm leaves.



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