Sunday, June 3, 2012

A Message To The Users Of The Internet About Zombies.

This is getting fucking ridiculous.  Ever since that dude was caught gnawing on a homeless man's face in Florida, the internet has exploded with the faux-news of an upcoming zombie apocalypse.  Even some major news organizations have decided to exploit the story by compiling lists of zombie-like attacks.

CNN, to name one of them, has such a grisly list that is disgustingly followed by the words "But there's no need to dwell on them."  Leave it to CNN to scare the shit out of people only to follow it with something as obvious as "I see that the Google machine brought you here.  Thanks for reading, you fucking idiot." 

I am not going to capitalize on such a thing.  My old as shit Call of Duty post with a picture of Nazi zombies is still pathetically raking in dozens of people a day. 

I am, however, going to set something straight.  I realize that our society has brief but violent obsessions with monsters.  The vampire thing rears its stupid fucking head every couple of years, but that seems to get worse and worse as time passes.  Need proof?  Vampires used to be badass like in Stephen King's 'Salem's Lot or Anne Rice's Interview With A Vampire.  Now we have ones that sparkle in the sun.

But I digress.  The point is, zombies are doing what the vampire thing did backwards.  Zombies are cool now.  Really cool.  This is, I think, in no small part due to AMC's The Walking Dead based on Robert Kirkman's graphic novel series.  That being said, a zombie apocalypse is im-fucking-possible.  That's not to say that a disease could cause a crazed, cannibalistic-like condition similar to what we know as a zombie.  But the idea of the dead rising goes completely against everything we know about science and nature.

Here's why I'm saying this: the psychopath eating that man's face was no zombie.   He suffered from no zombie-like condition.  He was on bath salts.  

I realize that, to people not from the East Coast, that seems incredibly strange.  "But Shaun," you may ask me, "How do my delightfully scented lavender and chamomile bath salts cause people to eat each other?"

Well, asshole, the term "bath salts" is, like most things drug related, not to be taken literally.  Just like angel dust (PCP) isn't really the magical glitter off of an angel's wings, bath salts are not the salts that you pour into your tub for relaxation.  Bath salts are an amalgam of different drugs, synthetically created by addicts that are also natural chemists.  Because, you know... why not? 

The issue with the drug is that it's easy to tweak and create something new.  Want bath salts laced with cocaine?  It's available.  Want bath salts laced with Ecstasy?  PCP?  LSD?  Meth?  It's all available. 

Here in Maine, bath salts are a huge problem.  It's why when this whole story erupted, Mainers automatically said, "The fucker was probably on bath salts."  I've mostly heard second-hand stories myself about people on bath salts, but one thing is for sure: stay the fuck away from them.  Everyone here, especially in central/northern Maine knows this.  People currently on bath salts are unpredictable, violent, super strong, psychotic, and frightening.  I'd rather go toe-to-toe with a horde of zombies.  

You better pray to whatever god you believe in that there isn't a bath salt apocalypse.  Just in the city of Bangor, where a lot of bath salts are produced for the entire fucking East Coast, a man was reported walking down the street stabbing and cutting himself.  And you know what?  He was laughing his ass off about it.  Another man in New Jersey reportedly gutted himself, and then promptly threw his intestines at the police officers that arrived at the scene.

So how about all of you assholes obsessed with zombies tone it down for a moment.  There's a real problem we should probably address, and it exists entirely within the realm of reality.

I did not write this post for you people to get information on bath salts.  There are plenty of other sites on the internet where you can find that stuff.  I wrote it because I am tired of seeing ZOMBIES all over Google and, worse, the news, and I'm more tired about hearing this little conversation starter: "Hey, did you hear about the zombie in Florida?"  Oh?  A zombie in Florida?  Why, you don't say.

Shut the fuck up.  All you eager beavers praying for a zombie apocalypse while clutching your baseball bat or 9mm just please.  Shut the fuck up.  You are ruining the internet.  I appreciate that you all connected a few dots - that zombies eat people and that this guy was eating a man's face, therefore A=B - and I'm positively stunned by your collective showing of intelligence/reasoning, but enough is enough.

At this point, you're all only proving that we as a species cheated Mother Nature by making it this far on the scale of evolution.  

P.S. I should also probably mention that this story (man eats face) proved how broken our news media is.  The always-funny has more on that. 

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