Thursday, December 2, 2010

Spheidi Prontag Is A Disease On Society.

I don't know what makes me hate this picture more- the fact that Spencer is wearing
a "Palin for VP" shirt, or that Heidi is holding a book she clearly cannot read.  I also like
how Spencer looks as though he can smell Heidi's implants melting under the hot sun.

I debated whether or not to waste my breath on these two, and already I am regretting my decision to write this post.  Still, someone has to knock these two down a peg, and everyone seems content to just let these morons have their ten minutes of fame.  Well I'm not.  Hear me, reader?  I don't think that either of these two should have had even a fraction of a second in the spotlight.  The mere fact that they think they are important in any way pisses me off.  

"But Shaun, you're doing nothing except keeping their 'fame' alive by talking about them." No.  News programs that give these two time to promote their books/shows are the ones keeping them socially relevant.  I, however, have nothing good to say about them.  They are rude, vain, and unappreciative of everything that has been laid down at their feet since birth.  Do either of them know what it's like to scrape money together so that they can afford to college?  Probably not- they are rich and most likely turned off by the idea of learning.  Do they know what it's like to have to go weeks on leftover food because they can't afford to buy new groceries?  Again, probably not.  On more than one occasion, I have survived by making my own pizza dough, covering it with garlic butter and cheese, and pretending it was delicious.  I say "pretend" because, in actuality, I could feel it shaving off minutes of my life with every bite I took.  
I will be the first to admit, I don't keep up with these two.  I see them on the cover of magazines at the grocery store, I catch their idiocy on The Soup, and occasionally they pop up on CNN.  The most I know is that, yes, their spotlight will indeed be over soon (as a couple, anyway) because they are going to get a divorce... I think.  The whole situation is completely fucked.  Apparently, the divorce was originally just a rumor that they started in order to get some publicity.  Then Heidi said it was real.  Then Spencer confirmed it, saying that he was a famewhore and that she wasn't (LOLZ OK LOLZ), and that the two had "irreconcilable differences".  Can it get any better?  I think so.  These two have been relevant for less than five years, and they somehow managed to spend all $10 million dollars to their name.  Well, "somehow" doesn't cut it.  I'm sure Heidi's nine thousand plastic surgeries didn't help their financial situation.  So, they were thinking about declaring bankruptcy in November, and Spencer- yes, dear Spencer- had the balls to consider getting unemployment benefits.  I wish I was joking.  He said that nobody would want to hire "that asshole from The Hills".  Well, news flash, big guy: You're an asshole everywhere, not just on MTV.  You threatened producers on aforementioned show, got banned from Costa-fucking- Rica for trying to fly with a hand gun, and then acted like this on national television:

The interview starts at 2:25, but the beginning 90 seconds are worth watching to prove how vain these two are.
I would also add that at no point does Roker actually "rip them apart", but he doesn't take any of their shit either.

My issue with these two goes beyond who they are as people.  Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying the rage-rush I'm getting from berating them for their total waste of oxygen (it's an affront to nature, honestly), but my intention isn't to point out how ridiculous these two are.  That, I think, speaks volumes on its own.  Not to mention the fact that I read both of their biographies on the web, and it literally took me five minutes.  Five minutes.  That is two separate human lives condensed into roughly 150 seconds each.  How unimportant can you possibly be?  I could write five minutes on the important aspects of my life from my childhood alone.

No, my issue with "Spheidi" is that they reflect the society of the United States.  When people in Germany and Japan, India and Brazil see Spencer acting like that on television, they must laugh their collective asses off.  It's why I really wish we could choose what actually gets broadcasted on tv.  Personally, I'm against all of these ass clowns sharing their stupidity with the world and with the universe in general.  I'm a firm believer that if these programs are riding the interstellar waves, so to speak, and are being picked up by extra terrestrials, we are fucked.  They are going to see The Hills, The Jersey Shore, My Super Sweet 16, and all those other asinine shows that plague the airwaves and think to themselves, "LOL we shuld totally go out of r way 2 kil teh humanz.  They r so fucked ROFL!!!!!1"  We have zero chance of surviving, or making peace with these guys if MTV programming is their first impression of Earth.  If you don't believe that, you're lying to yourself.        

Oh, so many things to comment on!  1) Spencer has an "I'm going
to rape this chick" smile plastered on his face. 2) Heidi looks like she is trying to smile but can't. 3)
Spencer's head and forehead looks as though it is enlarging.  Perhaps his ego is causing his brain to swell?  Or
it's a brain tumor.  Either way, it ends the same- with his head exploding.  4) What a greasy forehead!  I bet the photographer went blind when the camera flash was absorbed by Spencer's  head like a solar panel and shot back at him at ten times the intensity!

What do I think about Heidi's numerous plastic surgeries?  You might be surprised to know that I don't give a shit.  And that's from the cockles of my heart.  She had ten in one day, at one point.  Do I care?  Nope.  If she wants to be 70% plastic, then she can go for it.  I don't care if she wants to be sculpted into a human barbie doll, so long as its the "Saw Victim" Barbie line and her mouth is sewn shut with piss-soaked piano wire (yes, it would come with a pink hairbrush).  The fact of the matter is, in Heidi's quest to be "the perfect human female", she has become a caricature of her former self.  Her "perfect" blond-haired, blue-eyed Hiter-esque image would probably make the Nazi's reconsider their master race.  Am I making this clear enough for you?  I don't give a shit how much plastic surgery she has, because it neither harms nor benefits anybody but her (emphasis on the harm).  It's why I don't think this should be news.  Hear that, Access Hollywood?  I don't want to hear about how Heidi has replaced her cheekbones with that of a chimpanzee, or how she now has two fully functioning bionic tits.  It isn't important to me.  

  On the left, we see an attractive, 100% human woman.  On the right, we have what can
legally considered to be an action figure.  Fun fact: If someone were to kill new-Heidi, it wouldn't
be homicide.  It would simply be breaking an inanimate object.  Unfortunately, Spencer has a strict "You
break it, you bought it" rule.  

So I beg you, readers, to stop paying attention to these two, and hope that they pass into obscurity.  Don't buy magazines with their images on it, change the channel when they come on television, and their "books" can be completely ignored (spoiler alert: they are full of pictures drawn by Heidi and colored by Spencer... he hasn't figured out the whole "stay in the lines" trick yet).  If, heaven forbid, Spencer figures out how to get Heidi pregnant (it's only a matter of time), we'll talk about them again, if only to reconsider the whole "no abortion after ____ weeks" rule.  Honestly, I would consider it to be a mercy killing.  Imagine yourself as the child to these two.  

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