Thursday, July 7, 2011

Demopocalypse - Part III.

On day one of Demopocalypse, I focused on Anthony Weiner's career-crushing life choices.  On day two, I turned my gaze towards the entire democratic party and condemned them for their spinelessness.  What, I wonder, shall I talk about today?

Oh!  I know!  How about another man that makes poor decisions involving his penis?  No, not Bill Clinton...

"This November, vote for John Edwards.  White guy.  White name."

Yes, John Edwards.  I first heard about him in 2004 when then-presidential candidate John Kerry picked him for his VP slot.  Your humble, naive young writer clearly remembers watching the press conference and wondering, "Who the fuck is John Edwards?"  Unbeknownst to me, I would find out more about him than I cared to know in the coming years, culminating in a shocking revelation not too long ago - that the National Enquirer got something kind of right.  

Journalism at its best - providing baseless, 
false information.

The whole John Edwards scandal was a lot like the Weiner scandal - it grew in size over time, stretching the very fabric of truth, before breaking free to be judged by the world.  Here's a timeline (it's rather mind-blowing too):  

November 2004- John Edwards wife, Elizabeth, is diagnosed with breast cancer. 

February 2006- Edwards meets Rielle Hunter.

March 2007- Elizabeth's breast cancer came back stronger than before (now stage IV)

October 2007- The National Enquirer runs a story about Edwards alleged affair, citing an inside source, with Rielle Hunter.  Edwards denies it.  No one really pays attention, because the National Enquirer is usually nothing but readable shit.

December 2007- Hunter says she is pregnant and the child belongs to Andrew Young, a former staffer for Edwards who is married and has children.

July 2008- The National Enquirer runs another story, this one saying that Edwards, not Young, is the father of Hunter's child.

August 2008- Edwards admits to the affair, but denies that he is the father of Hunter's child.  In a separate interview, Hunter says that the affair began when they met and was not brief- that it was a full relationship that Edwards made her believe was based on love.

May 2009- The finances of the Edwards campaign is investigated to see if the once presidential hopeful used political money to hide his affair with Hunter.

January 2010- Edwards admits to being the father of Hunter's child.  His wife, Elizabeth, legally separates him with the intent of getting a divorce after the mandatory one year waiting period.

December 2010- With only a month to go before the official divorce, Elizabeth passes away.

May 2011- The US Department of Justice concludes their investigation, claiming that Edwards used over $1 million in political donations to hide his affair with Hunter. 

June 2011- Edwards is indicted on six felony charges.  If convicted, he faces up to 30 years in prison and a fine of $1.5 million.

If you ask me, things look pretty fucked for Edwards right now.  Instead of keeping it in his pants, he chose to cheat on his wife, spend over a million bucks to hide it from everyone, and then chose to lie about it all.  Oh, and another thing: he begged Young to take the fall for him back in 2007.  

I would say I wish that's all, but then I'd be a total liar.  See, Andrew Young wrote a tell-all book about what happened behind the scenes on the Edwards campaign, and he thankfully divulged even more juicy information about the man that was running for president.  1) Edwards knew all along that the child was his, 2) Edwards once promised Hunter that, after his wife died, he would marry her on a rooftop in New York while "Dave Matthews Band" played, and 3) Edwards told Young to have a doctor fake the DNA test to show that Young was the father, not Edwards.

Getting all that?  Not only does the man have no ethics and a shitty taste in music, he also cast his dying wife aside like a goddamn used toy.  Pretty sick, huh?  See, to me, Edwards is the face of a habitually lying politician.  He put his wife, his family, his friends, and even, to a degree, America into a cluster-fucked whirlwind of idiocy, all for the sake of getting some TnA on the side.  

Let's make this lesson clear: if you are a politician and you are under the national spotlight, don't do anything stupid.  Furthermore, if you get caught doing something stupid, don't lie about it.  It's a waste of your time and ours.        

Damn you! Damn you and your handsome mugshot!

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