Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Demopocalypse - Part I.

I've spent the last week or so perusing through some of my older posts (I'm fucking hilarious, by the way), and it quickly came to my attention that there is a severe lack of democrat bashing going on.  It also helped when a good friend of mine said, "Hey, when are you going to make fun of the democrats?"

I want to make it very clear that for all the republican hating I do, I dislike the democrats just as much.  I'm a liberal, yes, but I'm also an anti-political party kind of guy.  I agree with our first president - the party system will be the downfall of this country.

So, to make it up to my readers, I am going to take the next seven days to showcase the democrats I really can't stand, and reasons why the entire party makes me want to crawl into a hole with a hand grenade.  Who (or what) is first?  Well, let's start with a dick:

Goddamn it, not literally.


Yeah, yeah, I know it's old news at this point, but the media's obsession with this guy never fully seemed to grasp my issue with the whole debacle - his evasive technique.  Let me break this whole thing down for those of you who missed it:

1) Dick photo goes up on Twitter (pun not intended).
2) Dick photo immediately goes off Twitter, but not before the media catches wind of it.
3) Media contacts Weiner and the girl the photo was meant for - girl says she has never talked to him, Weiner says his Twitter was hacked.
4) Weiner spends a week evading the media.
5) Weiner admits that there was no hacker, and that he posted the photo publicly on accident (and that it wasn't the first time he had sent photos of himself to women).

The unfortunate part about this whole ordeal is that Representative Weiner really was a good politician.  But he let his second brain take control one too many times, and now he is forever shamed.  My issue with this can best be laid out by a fake conversation between the representative and I.

Me: "So, Representative Weiner, is this a picture of your dick?"
Him: "I can't say whether or not it is a picture of my dick."
Me: "Really?  You're a 46 year old man, and you can't identify your own penis?  Did you take this picture?"
Him: "I'm can't say whether or not I took this picture."
Me: "Do you have memory issues?  It kind of sounds like you're guilty, man."
Him: "My Twitter account was hacked."
Me: "Alright, so the FBI must be investigating then."
Him: "No, the FBI is not.  The matter is under control."
Me: "So you know who hacked you?"
Him: "I do not."
Me: "Let me see if I have this straight: According to you, some hacker broke into your Twitter, somehow took a picture of your penis without you knowing, and then sent it to some random girl on the other side of the country?"
Him: "I can't really say whether or not all of that happened."
Me: "You're guilty as shit, dude.  Look, if you took a picture of your dick, whatever.  Some guys are into that stuff.  The question is whether or not you Tweeted it, or if someone hacked your computer, found the picture, and thought it would be funny to send it."
Him: "I can't say whether or not--"
Me: "Holy fuck."

Look, if you're a man and you're over the age of sixteen, you should be able to pick your penis out of a one-hundred penis line-up, even with underwear on.  That's really what blew me away about this entire story.  It would have been much easier for him to just say, "I screwed up," right up front, rather than make up some ridiculous lie.  As a member of the government, he had to have known that the investigation (which would happen no matter what) would reveal the truth.

Honestly, if he weren't married, and if he had admitted it up front, I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with it.  People have personal lives, and they have the right to do what they want with who they want (to a degree, obviously).  But when you are a married representative of the federal government, you should know better.  What a stupid fucking thing to do, Weiner.  Oh, but thank you for all the "Weiner's weiner" jokes.  They are quite classy.  Although...

We probably should have seen this coming...

No comments: