Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Republican Presidential Candidates And You.

So many good choices... how could we possibly just
choose one?!

Before I get into the meat of this article (or, more appropriately, the gristle and fat), I want to acknowledge something that I'm willing to bet everyone was expecting me to write about.  Representative Anthony Weiner has caught a lot of deserved flak for tweeting pictures of his... weiner... and having some very strange contact with young women.  He is a married, is a Democrat and, while he did nothing illegal to my knowledge, is still responsible for creating a media sideshow full of obvious puns that lasted far longer than it should have.

I didn't mean to ignore this whole scandal.  I wanted to write about it.  The thing is, I have a habit of watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, both of which covered this thing extensively.  Hell, Jon Stewart went to high school with the guy.  They said so much about the incident, I decided that I wouldn't write about it in order to avoid accidently copying a joke or two.  I wasn't trying to dodge it because Representative Weiner is a Democrat.  He deserves just as much hell as anyone else, regardless of what political party he is in.  Truth be told, I think it's more appalling that he lied about it.  "I cannot say with certainty that that is a picture of me"?  Really?  C'mon.  No one bought that.  You should know your own junk shot if you saw it, particularly at your age.  You should be able to pick yours out of a line up of 1,000 by the time you're 40 years old.  

Ugh.  Moving on.

So the Republican "debate" happened the other night, consisting of one token woman, one token black guy, and five old white guys that all blend together like milk thrown on a white wall.  I put "debate" in quotes because it wasn't so much of a debate as it was a contest to see who could sling the most anti-Muslim, anti-Obama, anti-Socialism, anti-happiness word vomit onto their constituents.  It's political rule number one: say what your followers want to hear.  Not a single important issue was addressed during this... I don't know, rally?  

Of the seven candidates, I've already talked about two of them in earlier posts.  Michelle Bachmann, a woman who, I presume, failed elementary school, announced her presidential run (Palin/Bachmann '12!?  You betcha!), and Newt Gingrich also stood up to say a few choice words (like comparing Muslims to Nazis) that he probably made up during a game of Mad Libs the night before.  

We also have former Pennsylvania governor Rick Santorum and former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty who adgnadfubgpidfgnajklndg;iodhrdalp[.

Woah, sorry about that.  I fell asleep just writing their names.  I should delete that but, to be honest, I think the head-meets-keyboard jumble of "adgnadfubgpidfgnajklndg;iodhrdalp[" sums up how I feel about those two former governor's just fine.

Also running is Mitt Romney who, let's face it, stands no chance in a one-on-one with President Obama. The man has far too much dirty laundry.  "I saved jobs and know how to run a business" my ass.  Check out this fantastic, sarcastic segment from The Colbert Report. 

Let's see, who does that leave?  Oh, Ron Paul.  Yeah.

My god, man, nobody wants you!
And where are you getting all of this campaign 
money from!?

And finally, Herman Cain, former chief executive of Godfather's Pizza.  Wait, seriously?  And people said Obama had no experience to be president.  Cain is the same guy who, during a recent speech to his constituents, said that he would cut the length of bills in Congress down to no more than three pages.  While I appreciate the thought, it was his reasoning that I found to be a bit... sad.  No one, he said, wants to read a bill over one hundred pages, including him.  Look... government issues can't be plastered down short-hand onto three sheets of paper.  It requires a lot of explanation and clear language in order to make air-tight laws (amongst other things).  If you're going to be a prominent political figurehead, you better be prepared to read.

Notedly absent was Sarah Palin, former quitting governor of Alaska.  Where was she?  I'm glad you asked.  As most people know at this point, Sarah Palin has been touring the country in a lavish bus with her family, visiting America's important historical landmarks and fucking up basic history like the midnight ride of Paul Revere.  Why has she not announced her candidacy?  

Two reasons: 1) Since she technically works for Fox News, she is contractually obligated to let them know first and 2) Her and her family are using campaign funds to go on vacation.  Why is that not illegal?  Because she hasn't announced herself as a candidate yet.  Oh, loopholes.  

As weeks go by, I see more and more blatant evidence of corporations involving themselves in government.  The Republican Party has always been about economics, among other things, and so it's only natural for the corporations to go through them.  I'm just wondering when they will rename themselves the "Corporate Party".  I hope to expand on that in a later post.  For now, I'm going to get back to enjoying my Summer vacation.   


Dominic said...

We should elect all of the rep. candidates as a group President then have them all fight to the death in the oval office to determine who'd make the best C-i-C. After the victor heals the next logical step would be to declare war on Canada.

A Sane Break said...

It's clearly the only way to solve this country's budget crisis.

By the way, I think YOU should be president.