Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I Found The Escaped Reptile From The NY Zoo... But It Was A Newt, Not A Snake...

Fun fact: The muppet "Beeker" was inspired by Newt's face, 
not his physique.

I, my good friends and readers, have come out of a brief period of isolation to bring you some news about a man who will be running as a Republican candidate for the Presidential office in 2012.  Due to some recent comments made by Newt (who is both literally and metaphorically "half reptile") that I cannot ethically let slide, I bring to you the following commentary.

Why am I pissed this time?  First of all, I'm not always angry, and shame on you for assuming such a thing.  I'm actually quite a calm individual.  Until people that represent this country say stupid shit like this:

"I have two grandchildren: Maggie is 11; Robert is 9," Gingrich said at Cornerstone Church here. "I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

Apart from the inherent idiocy in there being some kind of secret war on the nature of America's soul (which, F.Y.I., there fucking isn't one), Newt demonstrates what is, I think, the fundamental force at a Republican rally - Fear.  He takes one thing that his constituents fear - godless, immoral, unpatriotic atheists - and smashes them together with something his racist followers fear more - radical Islamists.

For now, I'll ignore the fact that "radical Islamists" don't even come close to outnumbering the "radical Christians" (The KKK, the WBC, etc.) sects in the world, let alone in this country.  Let's just get down to the meat of this ignorant, shitstorm of a quote.  "...they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists..."  How is an atheist country run by Islamists?  That's like having a Democratic, Christian Rome run by Buddhists, only it's not because atheists don't believe in anything.  I should know.  

I'll give ol' Newty here the benefit of the doubt and say that he's imagining a dictatorship, not a democracy, run by some Bin Laden figure and populated by people that don't believe in said leader's religion.  Right.  Because that would go over well.  Let's pretend for a second that in 2012, in a predominantly Christian country, a lovely Jewish woman is elected to the presidential office by the electoral college (a realistic, I think, future).  Would that go over well?  Unfortunately and probably not.  So why, in Newt's completely unrealistic fantasy future, would a predicted four hundred million atheists let a couple thousand radical Islamics take over any country?  Maybe it only needs to make sense to Newt.  

By the way, what an awful fucking name for a human being.  Newt?  Who the hell names their child that?  Who thinks, "Wow, we were going to go with Lucas but decided on 'Newt' because he looks like an ugly little reptile"?  Sure, he is slimy, has a tiny brain, and adores draconian laws now, but who knows what baby could-have-been-Lucas might have thought.  Maybe he was Hindu.  

I can't tell if this woman looks terrified, dead, or broken.  Flip
down the back panel, Newt.  She's going to need some rewiring.

I feel as though I've said enough about this.  Click on the link below for the article.  But while I've got you, I have to ask: Does this woman look like she's trying to call for help?  She has that "get me the hell out of here" grin plastered on her extremely white face.  

It's okay, whatever number Mrs. Gingrich you are (Newt has divorced a good 3-5 times, a shining example of a good Bible reading Fundamentalist Christian).  I'm sure he'll drain the life out of you and cast you aside like the others.  If I were you, I'd stop trying to save yourself and start attempting to save others that might be enticed by Newt's money.

Side note: Can you imagine falling in love with a person named "Newt"?  Just think on that for a moment.... get back to me.

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