Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Michele Bachmann. Tea-bagged.

Continuing my trend of showing all of you, my readers, the dumb things politicians say, I examine the top ten quotes of the Tea Party's own Mad Hatter (as if there were just one), Michele Bachmann.  Many of you know her as Minnesota's House Representative, but all of you know her as the bat-shit crazy, stick-up-her -ass conservative that is (potentially) running for....

... you guessed it: President in 2012!  So before you all start jumping for joy at the prospect of a woman other than Sarah Palin getting elected into the commander-in-chief seat, let's take a look at some Michele's little quips.  By the way ladies, can you stand someone up that isn't completely psychotic?  I would really love to have a woman in the white house, but I would prefer it to be someone that isn't out of their mind.

1.) This is her way of saying that the American culture (if one could call our mashed up society a "culture") is the best in the world without actually saying it.  A politician's work-around.  Guess what, Michele?  I can't count on my hands how many cultures in this world are more interesting, or more rich than ours because I don't have enough fingers.  If our culture is the epitome of them all, then humanity is in serious trouble.  Try leaving your limo and security once and awhile.  You'll see what I mean.

2.) I have to wonder when a judge has said that to a child.  I mean, clearly she's taking whatever the judge said out of context.  But imagine, for a second, if that scenario played out.  "Well, Timmy, you need to stop pledging yourself to America and God, but before you do that, you should know that your fondness for girls is unnatural; give boys a try!"  No one ever said anything about not saying to pledge.  I believe you are referring to the "God" portion of it, and that argument has long been forgotten about.  As far as the other part goes, homosexuality isn't normal in the sense that people are born gay as often as they are born heterosexual, right.  That's probably not what you meant though.  Homosexuality is as natural as heterosexuality is.  There's nothing "not normal" about it.  Look at nature herself!  Many species of animals, fish, and even insects display homosexual tendencies.  By the way guy-on-Michele's-right, what the fuck is so funny? 

3.) "I mean, come on guys, like totally.  I'm not saying that Obama being President caused a Swine Flu outbreak, or that God is punishing us for electing a Democrat, or that there is any kind of conspiracy here.  I'm just saying it's an interesting coincidence."  Right, allow me to rephrase this quote as though it came from my mouth:  I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970's that the Republicans were saying stupid shit.  And I'm not blaming that on Fox News, or Sarah Palin, or Newt Gingrich, or Mike Huckabee.  I just think it's an interesting coincidence."  See, language, Michele, is a funny thing.  Whether you say it or not, you still impart the words into someone's mind to interpret on their own.  I believe it was Louis C.K. that has a joke about the "N-word" and how there's no difference between it and the word it refers to.  No matter which one you say, the other individual immediately knows what you're really saying, so all you are doing is making someone else say/think the derogatory word.  By pointing out the fact that you're not blaming Obama, you're fucking blaming Obama. Burned.

4.) The language thing I mentioned in #3 plays another role in this quote.  By saying that you "are not understating that", what you're really saying is that you are overstating it.  In other words, you are exaggerating to prove a point.  What that point is, I have no goddamn clue.  Gay marriage is an issue that is being made into a "big issue" due in part to you and your party's absolute refusal to separate church from state.  Regardless of what you might think, most of the founding fathers were atheist or deist, and only a handful were Christian or another domination of it.  So using that as an excuse isn't going to cut it.  You're going against the Constitution - admit it.  Let them get married, for fuck's sake.  How is it possibly going to impact you?! 

5.) Let's quickly recap who Terri Schiavo was: she suffered from cardiac arrest in 1998, had massive brain damage, and lived as a vegetable for seven years with no signs of recovering.  If that's your idea of "healthy", then holy shit, I've probably been dead for ten years now.  Oh, and by the way, if you want to get technical, we're all terminally ill.  Nobody is immortal.  It's just a question of how long that illness lasts.  One more thing, Michele.  Wasn't it the Republicans that tried to use this as a "great political issue" in Florida to oust a Democratic senator?  Oh yeah, google the "Schiavo memo" and see what you find.  I'd also like to take this opportunity to note that, to me, Republicans and "Tea Party-ites" are pretty much the same thing.  

6.) Really?  Not one study, Michele?  I have an experiment for you.  Take a plastic bag and make sure there are no holes in it.  Take that bag and put it over your head.  Have someone take tape and wrap it around you neck nice and tight, pinning the bag between it and your skin.  Now take deep, long breathes.  I won't tell you what you'll discover, but I will say this: Carbon Dioxide is harmful, just like Carbon monoxide is harmful.  You're just... just so dumb.

7.) Nope, pretty sure the message there is that the music for the movie was written by a gay man.  Yes, he's talented, but that doesn't make him better at, let's say, engineering just because he's gay.  And, by the way, I highly doubt that any teacher would show "The Lion King" to a class, only to talk about the music and it's composer.  Not to mention the fact that being gay has nothing to do with the sound, quality, or type of music.  Besides, when has any gay person ever said, "I'm better at what I do, because I'm gay"?  I'm talking realistically here, not stereotypically like television and movies love to do.

8.) I had to read this several times in order to get so much as a loose grip on what she was saying here.  It's all jumbled, as though she were trying to throw words together in order to form (if she was lucky) a coherent sentence.  She's basically saying that if minimum wage was gone, then everybody would have a job.  What she probably doesn't know is, without minimum wage, employers would be able to pay their employees very little and get away with it, increasing their profit and thus increasing the gap between the lower/middle class and the upper class.  She is sugar-coating nineteenth century businessman corruption-speak by talking about everyone having a job.  Fantastic.

9.) For the sake of the argument, let's just say she's right, and that all of the scientists that have ever received the Noble Peace Prize believe in intelligent design.  Let's just say.  Since 1901, only 813 such prizes have ever been awarded to individuals across five categories: literature, chemistry, physics, peace, and medicine.  Let's further just say that "scientists" are the chemists and the physicists.  Assuming that each category gets one award every year, that means 2/5 of the total awards go to scientists.  2/5 multiplied by 813 is equal to 162.  That's 162 scientists.  Since 1901.  So I don't know where Michele is getting this "hundreds and hundreds" from, but it's certainly not from the realm of reality.  Even if all of the Nobel Prize winners were considered to be scientists, only 1/4 of them are probably alive today.  Besides, 813 out of the million+ scientists all over the globe?  I don't know what point you're trying to prove here Michele but, if anything, you've weakened its position... by hundreds and hundreds.  

10.) Thank you for pointing out the obvious.  You are not a scientist.  I figured that out about nine quotes ago.  Also, you don't have to be a scientist to be a deep thinker.  I know that might seem strange to you, but it's true.  I'm going to rapid fire this one, and I apologize in advance to my religious friends: A.) If you were a deep thinker, you probably wouldn't believe in the Bible so literally.  B.) You also don't need to be knowledgeable to be a scientist.  C.) Scientists, trained or not, almost unanimously don't see the Bible as literal truth, but as a way to live a good life.  
D.) To recap, if you were knowledgeable, if you were a deep thinker, if you were a scientist, you'd probably be an atheist.  BURN.

Thanks for joining me on this Michele Bachmann rampage, the likes of which the world has never seen. I think my next few posts will be along these same lines.  I do so enjoy reaming these politicians a new one with my man-tastic wit and basic level of common sense.  And thanks to Buzzfeed for the pictures/quotes, as well as a certain "Mrs. Smith" for pointing it out to me.  I would have written about Michele sooner but... she's so unimportant to my life, I just kind of forgot she existed.

...And goddamn, isn't she stupid as fuck?

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