What Angry Birds Really Is...

 

Angry Birds is known as one of the most popular smart phone games ever to have been created - past or future.  Aside from the game, you can buy Angry Birds themed pajamas, stuffed toys, towels, sheets, soap, you name it.  For their marketing campaign, the sky is the limit.  But what is Angry Birds really about?  The answer may shock you.

Angry Birds tells the story about a diverse nation of free winged creatures that wasn't always so angry.  After centuries of peace, they soon find themselves living in constant fear.  For a neighboring nation, one of green, capitalist pigs, has recently run out of food, leaving its inhabitants looking across its borders for sustenance. 

The pigs made their move in the dead of night, sweeping through town after town, nest after nest, and stealing all of the eggs that they could carry.  If they could make it to their own homes, they knew that they would be safe.  Unlike the birds, the pigs spent billions of dollars a year on infrastructure and defense.

But the pigs quickly found themselves in over their heads.  The birds were angry.  Very angry.  And no wood block or glass block or stone block or Corinthian style pillar was going to deter them from their path of vengeance.  

Knowing that, dear readers, tell me something.  How are the birds going to get their revenge?  They're birds for fuck's sake!  They can't carry weapons.  

...But they can certainly be weapons.  

Enter the slingshot.  This giant piece of modern weaponry is usually set up just outside of a pig's home or railroad car.  With a little help from Mass times Acceleration (a.k.a. "Force"), the birds use it to launch themselves beak-first at their enemy's fortifications.  It's a one-way trip, folks, but we can't question their methods.  For every bird killed in the line of duty, an average of five pigs are sent to the grave.  

Propaganda is essential to any successful war effort.

Do you see what I'm getting at here, though?  Angry Birds is a game where the protagonists are suicide bombers.  

 Literally.

There is no greater threat to the United States of America than this game.  It is teaching our young that demolishing the establishment is not only right, but rewarding as well.  It is undermining the value we place on life by teaching them that being a martyr is cool.

So I am calling on my congressmen at both the state and the federal level, to outlaw this game for the good of America's youths.  Because if you're dumb enough to think this country was founded on Christian values, or misguided enough to believe you're going to get reelected in the Legislative Branch again, then you'll probably be dumb enough to believe that Angry Birds is a mobile terrorist training simulation.

 

How much do you want to bet that he's shouting the name

of his deity as he careens towards certain death?

I want to thank Fox News for inspiring me to make all of this shit up.  You guys bridge the enormous gap between fantasy and reality every day - keep up the good work.

P.S. For the record, nothing drives me into more of a homicidal rage than when I don't get all of the pigs, and they do their little victory grin and chortle.  I am definitely pro-green pig killing, and I have nothing but love and appreciation for this game.