And we were so close, too.
But then we slipped up. President Obama - our figurehead, our face - tried to force religious institutions to offer free contraception to women under their health insurance plans. And now... now those institutions are on to us. They now know about the war that we have waged for so long.
My friends. It is over.
We cannot stand tall and fight back against the journalistic integrity and research that the Fox News machine has to offer. We cannot fight against honest men like Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, the Koch Brothers, Rupert Murdoch, and Roger Ailes. The former even called us out, saying:
"And I frankly don't care what kind of deal he tries to cut. This is a man who is deeply committed - if he wins reelection, he will wage war on the Catholic Church the morning after he's reelected."
Goddamn it, who talked!? How did Gingrich know that was on our agenda for 2013? And then there's Santorum, who busted a God-sized hole in our war with this stunning truth:
"Rights come to us from God. And when God gives us rights, He doesn't say, 'Well, here are your rights - just do whatever you want to do with them.' That in fact He has laws that we must abide by."
Just how did we ever believe we could win this war? It was all going so well, too. Our Liberal Leaders were even taking a page from Hitler's book by slowly easing in to the final stages of religious persecution. But, again, even that did not escape the notice of the Christian Right. As a Fox News pundit pointed out, "You read about what happened to an amazingly great country called Germany... In the beginning it always starts really really small." Damn you, Fox News, and your smart, intuitive reporting! How dare you accurately compare the worst human-on-human crime in the history of mankind to the persecution of Christians here in the United States!
While my fellow liberal over at The Daily Show still clings to the idea that we have not been ousted from the shadows yet and that, perhaps, "You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting what you want," I am not so naive. The moral authority on this Earth, the leaders of Christianity and Catholicism, have won once again. Rest assured, my friends. They will not slip up and let another secret (and practically fictitious) war go unnoticed.
So, in response to all of this, I hereby wave the white flag of surrender. I am no longer comfortable with "President" Obama using the government to enforce his beliefs on the country. So this November, I hope you'll join me in letting Rick Santorum - who's morality and, more importantly, his ethnicity (am I right, closet racists?!) - we can trust.
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