Monday, January 17, 2011

Some Insight Into My Life.

Remember me?  No?  Oh, well.... GET OVER HERE! ...

Okay, so my brief absence from writing is now, hopefully, over.  With the start of a new semester, and an overload of English classes, I will admit that I won't be writing as often as I was when I first started.  Go ahead, grab a tissue and wipe those tears out of your eyes.  Nobody likes a crybaby.  

In the last twenty-two days (holy shit, has it really been that long?), the world has officially lost it's mind without me.  Let's get those trumpets playing to announce my arrival, shall we?  Because even though I was away working on ending world hunger, acquiring civil rights for all, and talking down North Korea (yeah, that was me), the politicians of this country managed to convince themselves that they were the only people that mattered.  

So am I going to bash Maine's newly elected Republican governor- Paul LePage- for telling the NAACP to "kiss" his "butt"?  Probably.  Am I going to say something about the overreaction from our representatives in the House and Senate about the Tucson shooting?  More than likely.  Am I going to get pissed about how the government wants to bring back talks about the Healthcare program?  Considering they already wasted 6+ months on it, absolutely I will.  

You're probably wondering if anything has changed on my end.  Nope.  Still the same old routine here- I vent, you read, and I get a slight thrill from watching my "viewers today" count go up on an hourly basis.  What do you get in return?  Probably a giggle or two.  Three if you're lucky.  But I'm not your monkey that's going to dance on command, got it?  I'm not going to crack a joke just to entertain you... I'll do it to entertain myself.  Seeing as most of you I don't know, and I'm technically "talking" to my computer, I'd say that sounds fair albeit quite pathetic.

No, I am not going to rant and rave about politics or movies today.  I'm not going to talk about the little things that piss me off (Palin).  Nope.  I'm going to get personal with you all in this post.  Maybe a bit too much for my taste, but it needs to be said.  I need to type it.  And you all need to read it so I know that I'm right.

Whew.  Here it goes:

If you are a college professor, and you chew gum during your lecture, you should be slapped- repeatedly- until you spit it out.  And I'm not talking about those light and playful kind of slaps.  I'm talking about the kind of slap that the world's strongest man would deliver after putting powder on his palm.  You know, the one where he bitch-slaps you so hard, your brain detaches from your spine and shakes around the inside of your skull.  That kind of slap.

I'm sorry, am I being taught "Foundations of Literary Analysis" by
a fucking camel?  

People that chew gum with their mouths open in public are annoying.  This isn't breaking news- everyone is aware of this.  But seriously, who chews gum when they are teaching college students?  And I'm talking all class, every class here.  Not just one class a week or for ten minutes every time.  

I hope I'm not coming across as some angry old guy, waving his cane and saying, "Kids these days!"  It really has nothing to do with the whole social, grade school rule of no gum allowed.  It's just... come on. How can you take someone seriously when they are standing at the front of the class, interpreting Vonnegut while they are chewing on a piece of gum as though it's their anchor to the realm of the living?    I promise you that you won't die if you spit that shit out.  I'm sure it tastes like an old tire anyway.

So here's what I have done.  Below is a generic little form that you can fill out and photocopy.  Why photocopy it?  To give one to your professor as a warning.  Enjoy and, as always, stay sane!


I, ____________________, do swear that if ___________________________,
professor of _________, chews gum during his/her lecture, I will powder my palm, walk straight
up to him/her, and slap the christ out of said professor until either the gum is disposed of in a trash can, 
the gum is swallowed, or death of aforementioned educator occurs.  

Signed __________________________________                        On This Day Of_________________  


Brendan Grant said...

How about that LePage, eh? Makes me really proud to be a Mainer! Way to go Mr 31%

Shaun said...

Oh, he'll get his, don't you worry. Just had to wait for the 17th to come and go to see if he did anything else stupid.