Saturday, December 25, 2010

How To Man Up And Use Your Turn Signal.

Well, that about sums up this post.

Holy Christ, people.  Is it possible for me to drive anywhere these days without being intercepted by at least ten individuals that have no idea what a goddamn turn signal is?  Or even how to use it?  It is literally one of the most important actions you perform while driving, next to staying awake and keeping both hands on the wheel.  And it's not even that hard!  All you do is flick the little lever up or down!  It even does half the work for you and returns to its equilibrium once the car is done turning.  

To illustrate how simple it is to initiate the turn signal, I've taken the liberty of "drawing" some instructions for people who lack the capability of understanding the concept... oh, shit... flaw in that plan.  How can I expect them to "work the computer machine and the interwebz" if they don't know how to signal?  Hmmm... 

Psst... I wrote it!

I'm really tired of having a near death experience every time I approach any form of road that runs perpendicular to the one I'm on.  Far too many people just take their turn (usually a right turn) without signaling their intent, forcing me to look like the asshole by slamming on my brakes and getting the moron driving the bigger vehicle behind me rammed up my little car's sphincter.  

Signaling is so unbelievably simple, it hurts my brain when I try not to do it.  Still, there is a signaling no-no that makes you look even dumber.  We've all seen it.  

Yup.  The guy that forgets that his turn signal is flashing.  Now, clearly the driver in this picture is attempting to merge, so it may have been a bad example.  But we've all been behind that one guy who has been letting the world know that he intends on taking a right turn sometime in the next thirty miles.  

I really don't get this.  You can hear that annoying tick-tock noise (unless it's broken or you're blowing your eardrums out with your shitty music), and you can see the flashing arrows on your dashboard which is right in front of your face.  How do people forget that they have their signal lights flashing!?

The absolute worst, however, brings me back to the very first picture up top.  Imagine this, if you will.  You're at a stop sign, waiting to turn onto a long stretch of road, and all that is delaying you from doing so is a single car approaching from your left (sorry, rest of the world, but only Americans might get this because we just have to do everything different).  

Now, if this vehicle is turning, you can go either left or right, so it doesn't matter which direction you need to turn in, just that you need to go.  However, you are under the impression that this mystery driver has every intent on continuing his course.  You see people coming from your right, and know that you're going to be at the stop sign for awhile.  

Settle into your seat.  Get comfortable.  I just know there are many things, all mundane, running through your mind.  Here are just a few of them:

- "How long has that bottle of soda been on the floor?"  
- "I don't care what anybody says, Nickelback speaks to me."
- "Should I try that soda?  I am thirsty..."
- "What's on the radio?  Oh, commercials.  That's right, I must have missed the five minutes that they were playing music this hour."
- "Ugh, that soda is flat and tastes like Wilford Brimley's 'diabeetus' piss."
- "Hrmm... that cloud looks like boobs."
- "Fuck, now I'm more thirsty than before I drank that stale Mountain Dew!"

And then it happens.  You tear yourself away from the bewbclouds only to behold that asshole on your left making a last minute, right hand turn.  Now you're going to be sitting there longer, stirring that stale nuclear piss (my personal word for "The Dew") around in your mouth with your dehydrated tongue.  If that motherfucker had put his signal lights on, you could have taken your turn and been halfway home by now!

You lock eyes with the driver for just one second.  And in that second things happen:

1) He/She smiles at you like a complete idiot.
2) He/She sees you scream the word "FUUUUUUUUUCK!" and flip him/her the bird.
3) He/She realizes that if you had a gun, he/she would not be arriving at their destination.
4) He/She slams the accelerator to the floor, not realizing that you were angry because he/she didn't signal their intent.  (This person will probably do this several times a week, and not have any idea that he/she is the actual problem.  They will continue to ignore their turn signal, until the earth opens up and swallows them for being such an inconvenience to the rest of us.)

And as the bastard drives off, you settle back into your seat.  Your eyes drift up to the sky... and there are no bewbclouds to be found.  What a shitty day.  

"Here's a signal for you, dumbass."


Tom Major said...

Yeah, I tried following your directions on my drive home, but these sticks kept waving in front of my face every time I pushed up on the stalk. I pushed down on the stalk and the car peed all over my windshield. Did you know that car piss is blue? Anyway, that's the last time I use a signal when I am turning.

Shaun said...

Now, I COULD be wrong here, but I do believe you were pushing the wrong stalk. Perhaps I should clarify. The turning signal stalk is on the left of the steering wheel in most cars. The windshield wipers are on the right.

Sidenote: You win, sir. +1 internetz.

Dominic said...

Wow, I'm really glad I don't drive.