Thursday, January 20, 2011

Have Some Friggin' Pride, Mainahs.

"Maine?  Isn't that in Canada?"

Despite the fact that 31% of my state is responsible for electing the biggest moron in government since George W. Bush, I can't simply back down and fall into embarrassed isolation.  While many people my age would refuse to admit it, there are a lot of things to be proud of about this state.  Sure, we don't have giant amusement parks or cities, tropical weather or a diverse population.  So what do we have?  Without further ado, I present my top ten reasons why being a "Mainah" is the shit.  Hold your applause to the end, please.  I hate being interrupted.  ...Oh, and these are in no particular order.

1.) We Have An Awesome Accent.

Ayuh, I know what you're thinking.  "The Maine accent?  Seriously?"  Yes, seriously.  It's such a delightful way to talk, and it doesn't really make you sound less intelligent like, for example, a Southern accent.  If anything, it makes you sound a little lazy.  Plus, how often does the rest of the world hear it.  New Hampshire and Vermont have yet to adopt it (too caught up drinking their maple syrup, I suppose), and only a tenth of the Maine population has the really thick accent.  So what's my conclusion?  If accents were politicians, the Maine accent would be represented by that one politician that actually represent his/her constituency.  Want tah try yowah hand at talkin' like a Mainah?  Check out this website for some good friggin' tips!

2.) There Are More Trees Than People.

90% of Maine is forested.  Chew on that statistic for awhile.  And before you ask, no, I didn't make it up.      It's great being so close to nature all the time.  With clean, fresh air and beautiful scenery around every corner, it's hard to stay angry at anything for long.  Even better, we're not crammed into houses that are separated by six inches like in other parts of the country.  My closest neighbor is a good fifty feet from my front door.  In fact, most of Northern Maine is uninhabited.  Wait.  Scratch that.  It is, to the government's knowledge, uninhabited.  The forests are so dense up there, we don't even have towns.  They are, quite literally, called "T.A.'s" (Territorial Areas, I believe) and are distinguished by a number.  There could be magical creatures up there for all anybody knows.  In fact, I'd bet on it.  My money is on gnomes... crafty little sons-a-bitches.
For every one person in Maine, there are twenty trees.
Fun Fact:  You can't look in any direction anywhere without 
seeing one.  

3.) We Have Moose... And We Are Smart Enough To Stay The Fuck Away From Them.

For those of you that have never seen a moose, the typical male is roughly seven feet tall (at it's shoulder) and weighs between 1/2 and 3/4 of a ton.  Their antlers are thick, and they are fairly easy to piss off.  Worst of all, hitting one in a vehicle (even a pickup truck) will probably kill you.  Oh, and don't try to go around it, or stop near it and wait for it to move.  Chances are it will get angry that you're being an impatient prick, and beat the christ out of your car.  If you do happen to hit a moose, let me explain (both in words and a picture) what will happen to your vehicle.  Your tiny little car will do nothing to the actual body of the moose.  Your front end will take the beast's legs out from under it, which will send it's 1,000 pound bulk of moose meat flying into your windshield.  Sorry, did I say "into"?  I meant "through".  It's really hard for any Maine native to believe that "Mythbusters" actually tested this shit using a dummy moose.  Not only did they need to test it, they were surprised at the result.  Seriously?  To us, it's common knowledge.  There are literally signs along that road that read: "Caution- Moose Xing Next 25 Miles".  

...And that's a female.  Notice how she went through 
both the front and rear windshields.

Here's a live male for you.  Not exactly something
 I'd want to fuck around with.

4.) We Don't Freak Out When We Get An Inch Of Snow.

Every winter I hear and see the same thing on the news.  "Mississippi got 3/4 of an inch of snow this morning.  Local government, schools, and businesses were shut down for a week and three-hundred people died."  Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.  See, a Maine Winter goes from about mid-October to early March.  Sometimes it snows in April.  Hell, in the last ten days alone, it's snowed for a good four of them.  Mother Nature even threw some freezing rain at us.  Guess what?  We had school.  It takes between 9"-12" to actually close down school, and that's assuming that it's still snowing around six in the morning.  If said snow falls the night before, you bet your ass the plows have it all cleaned up before school starts.  Living in Maine, I drive on snowy or icy roads more often than dry ones.  It's exciting, really.  Every time I go for a drive, I have to ask myself, "Is what I'm leaving the house for worth my life?"  Odds are I might not make it home, let alone to my destination.  How often do you go on an actual thrill ride?  Hmm?  Speaking of snow...
Even our deer don't bitch about the snow.  Come on, South.
Quit complaining about your lack of plows.  It's 2011.  BUY SOME.

5.) We Can Handle Cold Weather.

I feel as though I could adequately survive living in a fridge wearing nothing but a t-shirt and jeans.  It's not uncommon to see a Mainer wearing said outfit until late October.  In fact, forty-five degrees is known to us as "shorts-weather".  My college roommate refused to wear anything but shorts, even when the temperature dropped to -20 degrees.  As I write this, it's the nineteenth of January, and I still have not gone out and bought a winter jacket.  Why?  I'm comfortable in a sweatshirt, jeans, and a hat that covers my ears.  I do, for the record, own a fleece jacket for when I go out to shovel off the porch and uncover the car.  There is a downside to our resilience to cold, and one that I will freely admit: we practically melt at temperatures over eighty degrees.  I personally break into a sweat at that temperature.  In a state where most residences keep their thermostat on sixty-two for most of the winter, it's no wonder that exceptionally brutal summers take a toll on us.  When I visited Florida last year, I couldn't stand the humidity and heat.  There is no way I could get used to that.  Still, I think we have the good end of the bargain on this one.  It's far easier to warm up than it is to cool down.  Really the only way to cool down is to get into an air-conditioned space.  
I believe the phrase you're looking for is "Holy Fuck".  
I remember this day, actually.  I locked my keys in the car, so I cut a 
small hole in the drivers window with my right nipple.

6.) Racism Does Not Exist.  

I should add that it does, however, exist if you are talking to someone over the age of sixty.  We do have that old, conservative Republican population but, at this point, they mostly fill our nursing homes (or we send them to Florida).  You could argue that it doesn't exist because Maine's population is ~97% white.  And while that may be true, I can honestly say that I have yet to see anyone treat someone of a different race any differently than they would their own.  About 85-90 years ago, when the KKK was actually scary and not on the ass end of every joke  (seriously, who don't they hate?), there was an active Maine chapter.  It was, hilariously, the least violent group out of them all, and targeted Canadians and Catholics.  There was not one single act of violence committed by them.  In fact, there was only violence committed against them.  On one occasion, they planned to have some kind of protest march in Portland, only to be greeted by a bunch of Irish-Catholics with clubs and other various blunt objects.  Fun!  

7.) We Own Your Precious Lobster. 

Your "luxury" dish is something I can get for ten bucks from any place that sells seafood.  In a lot of states, particularly those to the south and west, the claws alone are a good $20 or more.  We take our lobster seriously though.  How could we not?  It's probably the only reason our state makes money.  We take it so seriously, we allow our lobstermen to carry guns out to sea.  If they catch anyone looting their traps or pulling up their buoys, they are allowed to shoot on sight, with little to no questions asked.  

8.) Stephen King Lives Here.

He is probably the reason you're afraid to visit this state.  More than half of his books take place in Maine, and a lot of the places he mentions are, without a doubt, very real.  Arguably one of the best writers of all time, and certainly one of the top three horror authors in human history, King has redefined the entire horror genre.  While some of his books do deal with the supernatural, his scarier works are the ones that show the evil capable of the common man.  Under The Dome is a perfect example of this.  Why are these books scarier, you ask?  Because they are completely within the realm of possibility.  King is unbelievable at describing human interaction and human thought.  Ask yourself what's more frightening:  an evil, shapeshifting clown that preys on children, or an obsessive husband willing to kill his own wife (and convince their son to help him do so) in order to keep 100 acres of land?   

Pennywise, or "IT", is the reason people 
are afraid of clowns.

9.) Nobody Bothers Us.

We are largely ignored by the rest of the world and yes, even the rest of this country.  And that's fantastic.  When the nuclear bombs start flying, I highly doubt one will directly hit Maine (not counting the fallout).  Ever seen a disaster movie based in Maine?  There's probably one. Ever heard of Maine being mentioned in a disaster movie?  I haven't.  Even in the movie "Independence Day", I remember they showed a map in which Maine was completely untouched.  (Note: I'm not counting any movies based on King novels... that wouldn't be fair.)  We are a peaceful people, and while our voice doesn't really count for shit in the eyes of the federal government, at least that means we aren't fully involved in all of its corruption.
"Where are you nukes goin'?"
"Not for Maine, that's for damn sure."

10.) The City Of Portland. 

Most Mainers take Portland for granted and don't realize how popular the city actually is.  It's so popular, Oregon named its Portland after ours.  Take that, west coast.  In 2009, it was ranked #1 by Forbes for being "America's Most Livable City".  GQ Magazine named it one of America's "coolest" cities.  And Portland, Maine has a bit of a reputation for its restaurants and architecture.  It's one of the few cities in the country where you can see many different kinds of Victorian era buildings practically next to each other.  Likewise, nationalities from around the world are represented, with Italian architecture standing tall and proud right next to French architecture.  But for my money, there are few places in Maine as awesome as Portland's Old Port.  Pictured below, the Old Port is home to numerous small business shops that sell food and knick-knacks of all kinds.  Walking around the Old Port and the rest of Portland is one of the best things to do during a Maine summer.  

Sure, you might see a homeless guy pissing on a cat, but the cobblestone
roads will make it seem less creepy and more romantic.

So yeah, our current governor is a bit of a neanderthal and is, at best, stuck in the 1940's way of thinking, but that doesn't mean he adequately represents the rest of us.  In fact, I hardly consider LePage to be my governor.  The democrat and the independent had split the votes between them and, had only one of them been running, they would have beaten LePage 70-30.  The older generation strikes again.  

While I don't consider Maine to be the best state in the country, I don't consider it to be the worst either.  Many of my fellow Mainers don't realize the beauty around them until they've left it.  I've spoken with these people, and they freely admit that many other states are full of rude people that don't know how to drive (MASSACHUSETTS). 

This post goes out to my fellow Mainers.  We'll get through the next four years of this bumbling idiot.  Just focus on the good things and, you know... try and not watch local news.   


Anonymous said...

This made me laugh my ass off (:
Love it!
You made me look bad ass for being a "hick" mainer!

A Sane Break said...

I know I said that no anonymous comments will be posted but... how could I possibly not post such a grand compliment? Thanks! :)