Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Difference Between "News" and "Shit Nobody Cares About".

No, this is not marijuana- it's salvia, and it is incredibly potent.  

I am beginning to wonder if the news networks we have here in America even know what "news" is.  I have seen too many stories like the one above make national headlines, causing every moron with an earpiece and a microphone to comment on it in one form or another.  

Miley Cyrus news should be left to Access Hollywood and other networks that nobody watches.  Why?  Because her actions have no impact on anybody but her and her Redneck family.  Honestly, do we even need to follow her life story?  We know how it's going to play out- all we need to do is look at the Lindsay Lohan timeline.   

Awhile ago, he was arrested for stabbing his ex-wife many many times.  Just the other day, he was sentenced to life in prison.  Both of those previous sentences are stories that should be limited to local news networks (in and around where he lives), celebrity magazines, and celebrity news-only networks.  The fact that the story has been on CNN's homepage for more than 48 hours is unbelievable.  

Do I give two flying fucks that Ryan Reynolds and Scarlet Johannson are getting divorced?  No.  Do I need to hear about Justin Beiber's decision to start singing country music?  Hell no.  I don't need to hear about anybody that sings country music.  Is it essential for me to hear about how Lindsay Lohan relapsed again, and is going back to rehab for the ten-thousandth time?  I actually believe that it is better for my health if I don't know anything about her miserable life.

And another thing, news.  Let's leave the viral videos for Web Soup, Tosh.0, and Attack of the Show, m'kay?  As awesome as it is that a cat fended off two alligators in Louisiana, I think some of the shit going on in our government is just a tad bit more important, don't you?

Finally, a cat that actually does something.

Here are some things that the news should stick to reporting on...

1) The Zadroga Bill.  You know our news sources have gone to shit when The Daily Show on Comedy Central talks about this when no other network would cover it.  Last Thursday night, Jon Stewart had four 9/11 First Responders on his show to talk to them about their thoughts on the failure of the Zadroga Bill.  Again, let me remind everyone that this is the bill that would have paid for any 9/11 responder to go to the hospital and get treated, free of charge.  Stewart showed them a clip of Republican Senator Mitch McConnell filibustering the bill, and crying about how one of his fellow senators had been voted out in the last election.  Oh, boo-fuckin'-hoo.  As the responders put it, "It must be hard for Mitch to lose such a close lunch buddy."  

2) The repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  It's about time we caught up with the rest of the goddamn world and let every human, regardless of sexual orientation, fight for their country. 

3) The failure of the DREAM Act.  Easily one of the best pieces of legislation ever to come into the Senate, only to get pissed on by a bunch of rich, racist white guys, the DREAM Act would have granted citizenship status to any illegal immigrant that graduated from college.  There were, obviously, many stipulations involved in that deal, but at least it would have given hundreds of people a chance to become citizens.  I suppose I can already hear the argument that was presented by the racists: "They're already takin' jerbs from the poor, an' now you wanna give 'em rich, edumacated jerbs too?  Not in my lifetime, you won't!"

4) Maine's new awesome governor.  Yes, you might be calling me a hypocrite for saying that, but hear me out first.  This guy is a lunatic.  70% of the state didn't even vote for him- he narrowly won out against both the democratic and the independent candidates.  Why should he make national news?  Because he doesn't think that transgendered students should be allowed to go to school.  Because he wants to get rid of the Maine State Department of Education.  Because he wants to disband the Teacher's Union.  Because he resents the term "multiculturalism" when referring to student-teacher relationships.  Goddamn, I feel like we elected a member of the KKK to be our governor.

And hey, maybe we could try and talk more about positive stories for a change?  I understand that the world is going to hell, but the least you, the media, could do is ease us into our final sleep instead of bludgeoning us to death over a period of several years.  It seems like for every one heart-warming news story I hear, there are nine horrifying stories of murder, greed, ignorant racism, ignorant zealotry, or Mother Nature beating our ass for treating her like shit.  

...Actually, that's a great metaphor.  We, the human race, is Mother Nature's abusive husband.  We smack her around all day and all night, subduing her for being so difficult to live with.  We no longer see the beauty in her, just the things we want to change.  Well, pretty soon she's going to leave us.  And when she comes back, it will be in the dead of night.  We'll be fast asleep as she sticks the barrel of a shotgun in our mouth and pulls the trigger.

That's both macabre and off-topic, but I can't help but feel as though it's an appropriate comparison.  Anyway, here's the basic jist of this post:  News = Important stories that affect our lives.  Shit Nobody Cares About = Celebrity news, viral videos, and anything remotely related to Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus.  

Sorry for not posting my references.  It's late, and I just want to go to bed.  Hope all you college students did well on your finals.  You all make me so proud... and you're growing up way too fast.  But I promised myself I wouldn't cry.  

Until next time, world.  Stay sane.  

1 comment:

Dominic said...

YES. Help me find an unbiased, THOROUGH news source! world news and country wide would be nice. I AM SICK of picking through trash!