Ten Reasons Why Mitt Romney Cannot Relate To The Average American.

We all know that Mitt Romney has the personality of a cardboard cutout of a rice cake, but that can't be the only reason why most Americans can't relate to him, can it?  Seeing as how I came up with this awesome friggin' list, I don't think so.  Romney has a lot going against him in this election, lack of humanity aside.  Here are ten reasons why most Americans have an easier time relating to an empty can of soda than they do to Mitt Romney.


1. Mitt Romney was born rich.

He has never had to really work for anything.  Financially, he's never struggled, nor has he ever had that anxious feeling of living paycheck to paycheck.  College was, essentially, free.  And he's never had to pick and choose what bills to pay on time and which ones to defer for a month.  I myself pay my internet bill every three months (they shut it off after three, the bastards).

If you call what Romney did at Bain Capital "work", then you are using a very loose definition of the word.  I'm talking manual labor or working in the food industry.  I'm talking about getting talked down to by a know-it-all customer having their own hellish day.  I'm talking about --.  You know what?  I should stop there.  This is getting too personal.

2. He and his wife own four properties.

It's true.  Count with me: An ocean front home in La Jolla, California (the car elevator house), a condo in Belmont, Massachusetts, a home in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire on Lake Winnipesaukee, and a cottage overlooking Lake Huron in Grand Bend, Ontario.

Those first three, by the way, are valued at close to $20 million.  Yikes.


3. He has friends that own NFL teams and NASCAR teams.

Oh, is that all?  The Jets and the Dolphins?  A pity, Sir Romney.  I myself am friends with Bill Gates, everyone in the Academy, and the owner of every single MLB team... said no one ever.

By the way, I'd be remiss if I didn't say this publicly: driving around in a circle for three or more hours is not a sport, it's something you do when you need to get away from your significant other.  Get over yourselves, NASCAR.

4. He paid 13.9% of his income in taxes last year.

The average American pays approximately 20%.  I don't really have a joke for this one.  I think it kind of speaks for itself.


5. He thinks students can borrow a couple thousand dollars from their parents.

After Romney made this statement, I went to my mother and asked her for a personal loan of about four grand.  She said, and I quote, "Yeah, sure, Shaun!  Are you sure you only need four thousand?  The money tree out back just bloomed, and I could probably pluck you a good ten.  Oh, don't worry about coming to pick it up, I'll have our butler drive up to hand deliver it to you as soon as possible.  This sounds urgent!" She then laughed in my ear until I hung up the phone.

Most Americans don't have several thousand dollars to just give to their child(ren).

6. He makes $10,000 bets.

This one has been beaten to death, but I think there's some insight in here still.  I get that he was trying to prove a point to Rick Perry.  Making bets to show how sure of something you are is an American tradition.  Most people bet ten bucks, maybe twenty, and surely no more than a hundred, but ten grand?  Fuck that.  I'd only make a bet like that if someone was arguing with me over whether or not gravity was an actual force.


7. He and his wife enjoy the well-known sport of horse ballet.

I'll give credit where credit is due - I didn't know about Dressage until Stephen Colbert brought it to everyone's attention.  What's more, I didn't know that the Romney's had a horse that competed in the so-called sport.  That horse, Rafalka, is going to the Summer Olympics in London this year to see if it can bring home the gold for America.

...To be honest, I'd rather she didn't win that "honor."  More to the point, what the fuck is Dressage?   

Seriously, dude, go back to talking about your team-owning NFL friends.


8. His religious views separate him from most Americans.

Let's face it: Mormonism may be a form of Christianity, but that's where most American's knowledge of the religion ends.  I'm not going to make fun of Mormonism itself here (it does that enough on it's own), nor am I going to make fun of Romney for being Mormon.  I will stand by the assertion, however, that it isolates him from a lot of Americans.  Example: most Americans of legal age drink alcohol, and pretty much everyone consume caffeine in one form or another.  Mormonism doesn't allow Romney to do either.  He's also not allowed to curse.

And cursing is about as American as it fuckin' gets.

9. He views himself as unemployed.

Am I wrong to think that this just makes him seem like an asshole?  He might technically be unemployed, but he makes thousands of dollars a day just by twiddling his thumbs and watching his savings accounts accrue interest.  He's also running for president so, you know, there's that.

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that he said that he was unemployed to a bunch of actual unemployed people.  The kind that  lose their shelter and ability to provide for themselves when they don't go to work and make money.

10. He's never had a real, life-changing experience.

Think about it for just a second.  Romney has never battled poverty or an addiction.  He wasn't a war hero or, really, had to fight for his life in any situation.  He's just... bleh.  Romney is fucking boring.  Unlike Eisenhower who was characterized by his time in the military, or  F.D.R. who was who he was because he had to overcome Polio, Romney is characterized by two things: his wealth and his social status. 

Did other presidents have that?  Sure they did.  Bush junior was pretty wealthy.  So was Reagan.  But each had other qualities that stood out more.  For Romney, his defining characteristic is his money.  Unfortunately for him, you can't buy a good personality or a special quality.

...Yet.