The U.S. Catholic Church Tells Jesus To Take His Teachings And Fuck Off.

Did you know that, whether you are Catholic or not, every single American taxpayer gives money to the Catholic Church?  How's that for the separation of church and state?

I'm going to be talking a bit about Obama's contraception mandate here, so if you don't know about it, I suggest you go look it up.  In essence, Obamacare forces employers to offer free birth control to their employees, which created a bit of a holy storm when Catholic organizations (who are notorious for being anti-contraception) realized that this included them.  The president compromised, putting the responsibility on the insurance companies and not the religious institutions, and a majority of Catholic higher-ups liked his new plan.  But not everyone.

North Carolina Has Officially Become A Haven For Hatred.

Well, North Carolina, I suppose you asked for it.  By passing Amendment One a few weeks ago, you made it quite clear that you are a haven for hatred, bigotry, and idiocy.  Enter the KKK.

Birthers: Natural Born Dumbasses.

It's really no surprise to me that the Birther movement is alive and well in the state of Arizona.  This is the same state, remember, that passes illegal and racist laws on a regular basis and, most surprisingly, has a law on the books stating that there are to be no more than two dildos per household.  You read that right.  Arizona lawmakers actually refer to their residents as "dildos."

...Anyway, the state has a lot of "Birthers" - people that don't believe that our incumbent president is a natural-born American citizen.  The other definition, of course, being:

A natural-born citizen who, by coincidence, happens to be a natural-born racist, natural-born moron, and a natural-born asshole.

Thank you, Urban Dictionary.  

Congress Speaks Like Tenth Graders.

According to the Sunlight Foundation, our representatives in Congress speak at a tenth grade level.  Here's what they have to say:

Congress now speaks at almost a full grade level lower than it did just seven years ago, with the most conservative members of Congress speaking on average at the lowest grade level, according to a new Sunlight Foundation analysis of the Congressional Record using Capitol Words.

Of course, what some might interpret as a dumbing down of Congress, others will see as more effective communications. And lawmakers of both parties still speak above the heads of the average American, who reads at between an 8^th and 9^th grade level.

Today’s Congress speaks at about a 10.6 grade level, down from 11.5 in 2005. By comparison, the U.S. Constitution is written at a 17.8 grade level, the Federalist Papers at a 17.1 grade level, and the Declaration of Independence at a 15.1 grade level. The Gettysburg Address comes in at an 11.2 grade level and Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech is at a 9.4 grade level. Most major newspapers are written at between an 11^th and 14^th grade level. (You can find more comparisons here)

Normally I'd poke fun at such a statistic, but I really can't.  See, as much as I would like for my representatives to be intelligent (and therefore speak with an air of intelligence and reason), that's far too much to ask for from a country that averages as 8th-9th grade readers. 

Maybe there IS something in our drinking water after all...

One more thing to put this whole statistic into perspective.  THESE are sophomores (10th graders) in high school:

Young, right?  Now how do you feel about our congressmen and women speaking like tenth graders?

Nightmarish Scenario: Day One Under President Romney.

I want to take a little time to specifically talk about Mitt Romney.  The very definition of a vulture capitalist, Mitt Romney doesn't appear to be as ridiculous as Santorum, Gingrich, Paul, or any of the other Republicans he beat out in the primaries.  But that's only at first glance.

Romney is just as much of an air head as the rest of them.  Many have called him the professional flip-flopper, while others have deemed him a liberal in disguise.  I have to tell ya, guys, if Romney is a liberal, than I must be some kind of radical socialist.

While his religion is off the table in terms of mocking the man himself, I want to get something quickly out of the way: I think Mormonism is one of the most ridiculous excuses for a religion that the Earth has every seen.  It's right up there with Scientology and Pastafarianism (the latter, of course, being a "mock religion").  In essence, I believe Mormonism to be a farce.  Tolerance be damned.

There are three things about Romney I want to share, and none of them are personal.  They are, in fact, policy based.  While it is six months from the election and policy can change (I honestly don't believe he'll even be elected), here is where Romney stands on the Keystone XL Pipeline, Obamacare, and the national budget.

Fox News Breaks Itself.

It's no secret to any of my regular readers: I hate Fox News.  As Stephen Colbert once famously said, "Reality has a liberal bias," and how can you make conservative news realistic while appealing to conservatives?

The quick answer is that you don't.  Realism has to be thrown out the door in exchange for a more fantastical view of the things going on in the world.  Fox News is nothing but blowhard opinions and right-wing propaganda.

Here's a good way I learned to help spell it out for people.  Let's say that it's snowing outside.  Fox News would say, "It's snowing outside because Obama declared a War on Christmas and this is God's punishment unto us."  Real news would say, "It's snowing outside."

So when reality somehow does slip its way into any crevice of the Fox Machine, I always find myself wondering if the entire operation will collapse on itself like a dying star.  Take, for example, a recent Fox News poll conducted by phone between May 13-15 of this year.  In it, 913 people were polled and the results were not something that Fox News appreciated: Obama beat out Romney 46% to 39%.  The other 15%?  Not sure.  I would have liked to have found out but, oddly enough, I can't find the actual poll on the Fox News website. 


These were live interviews, by the way, not robot calls. 

Here's where shit gets hilarious.  Allow me to pass the ball over to Don Hamel from AddictingInfo.org.  Don writes:

So what does Fox do, when their own poll shows Americans prefer Obama?

Everything they can.

Media Matters has compiled a video showing various Fox hosts and news anchors frantically trying to walk back, talk around, downplay, dismiss, re-interpret and generally deny the findings of a recent Fox News Poll, showing President Obama leading Mitt Romney by seven points.

In other words, DAMAGE CONTROL.

Here's the video from Media Matters.  It gets really interesting about halfway through when it becomes clear that the anchors and pundits are tired of being subtly dismissive of the poll.

  



Regardless of what any poll says, I still believe that they're all inaccurate.  The only one that matters will take place in early November.  And if the corporate lapdog known as Mitt Romney becomes president, I will get up and move to Canada.  It's not far from where I live - maybe a bit over a hundred miles. 

Conservative Talking Points Debunked.

Now that Romney is the Republican candidate, all of the Conservative talking points are (once again) being flung at President Obama - that he's a Muslim, that he wasn't born in the United States, yaddah yaddah yaddah.  Wait, sorry.  I say that like people ever shut the fuck up for a second to let the president do his job.  I should rephrase.  After the harrowing Republican primaries and debates, during which we watched a bunch of white people verbally abuse the living shit out of each other, the Right has rearmed and re-aimed its nonsense machine at the president. 

Well, folks, you've seen the man's birth certificate from Hawaii.  He says he's not a Muslim (as if his religion really matters), and he's yet to impose any Satanic/Islamic laws on us good Christians.  So I'm going to go ahead and say it: Stop.  Just stop.  

Dumb people already bought into that shit, and those of us intelligent Americans with not-so-short attention spans remember 2008.  We've heard it all before.  We didn't believe it then, and we won't believe it now.  No facts, no case.  You don't need to repeat yourself for the mouth-breathers of America.  They've been repeating that nonsense like it's gospel since McCain lost.

This is why President Obama is laughing in the picture above.  He is going to win reelection in 2012, as long as he can get his base motivated enough to get out and vote.  What is Romney going to dig up on him that people haven't heard already?  Nothing.  All he can do is regurgitate talking points for the next six months.  Here are just a few spun as the right-wing would.

1.) President Obama took credit for killing Osama Bin Laden - the credit belongs to the troops.  Well, yes and no.  President Obama often makes it known that OBL wouldn't have been taken out had it not been for the brave actions of our men and women in uniform.  Here's a fun fact: Bush had the opportunity to get Osama and he didn't take it.  President Obama made the decision to infiltrate Bin Laden's compound, and he did it despite everyone in his cabinet telling him not to.  In the end, Bin Laden was shot in the face, and everyone made it out alive.  Had Obama not made that call, the mastermind of 9/11 would still be loose, and the Navy Seals of Seal Team Six never would have entered Pakistan.   

2.) President Obama wants to take away our 2nd Amendment Rights.  This is false.  He has strengthened it, if anything, and only wants to take automatic weapons off the table.  It's a fair trade, I think.  Would you be comfortable seeing anybody walk down the street with an AK-47?  I doubt it.  Of course, the leader of the N.R.A., Wayne LaPierre, wants everyone to believe it's all a conspiracy, that the president will put his full plan into action in his second term.  Wayne LaPierre is also a fucking idiot.

3.) President Obama has increased taxes on the middle class, and has not pulled us out of the recession.  This is also false.  President Obama has not increased taxes on the middle class, and the jobless numbers are slowly dwindling.  If the Republicans would have compromised more with the Democrats over the last four years, things would be a lot better now. 

 4.) Obama is a Socialist.  Dead.  Fucking.  Wrong.  While bailing out the auto industry was a socialist move, look at the result.  The auto industry paid back all the money with interest before his first term was over!  President Obama is not a socialist - he's a progressive.  It doesn't matter, really.  Socialism is actually a great thing.  Americans, particularly conservatives, have it in their heads that it's a bad thing after the Red Scare.  Please understand that Socialism and Communism are two very different things.

President Obama - The First Pro-Gay Marriage President.

For those of you wondering where your video is, I said (perhaps predictably) "fuck it" to iMovie.  It's a royal pain in the ass, and I'm too technologically inept to put something together.  I worked on my baby project for hours - don't think I didn't! - but my need to get it all perfect in one take quickly drove me to madness.  

So fuck iMovie.  Fuck YouTube.  You're all stuck with me and my wall of text.  I have admitted defeat.

But there are several fights that I won't back down on, and a good portion of them revolve around the man pictured above.  This post is going to be quite long as I have a lot to catch up on.  Get comfortable, and prepare your eyeballs (and your mind) for the radically socialist/liberal attack that they are about to be on the shit-end of.  In an effort to help some people with short attention spans (including myself), I will be breaking this post into several smaller posts.  I might continue to do this... but I tend to rant. 

iMovie Update.

Hola, ladies and gentlemen!

I just wanted to drop a quick post for those of you that check in with me on a regular basis.  The world (especially the U.S.)  is falling deeper and deeper into its pit of insanity, and I am extremely overwhelmed.  It's not that I can't do this alone - I can because I'm fucking awesome.  It's just that I have a lot going on elsewhere.

No, I'm not going to stop writing.  That will continue.  I just have to write this down tonight so that I can hold myself to it: tomorrow evening I will hopefully be posting my first video to the site and to a new YouTube account that I will be linking to the blog.  I say hopefully because I'm not sure how long the editing process will take.  It'll be up by Wednesday night at the latest, that I know for sure.  Hold me to that, readers!

There is just too large of a gap for me to compensate for in terms of humor in text and humor in general.  People that come to this site off the fly might not pick up on my sarcasm.  They might not think jokes would be funnier if they could hear tone, inflection, etc.

These videos will not be cinema quality, but I'm going to spend many hours tonight fiddling with iMovie in hopes of bringing something fresh to the site.  A real kick to Blogger's virile(?) testes. 

 Wish me luck!

UPDATE

As expected, iMovie is a complete and utter pain in the ass.  I'm extremely obsessive about getting everything in this video done correctly - so much so that I've recorded several hours worth of video and deleted, well... several hours worth of video.

That being said, it's good practice and I'm learning (albeit slowly).  I will try my absolute best to have something up by later this afternoon.  

I'm sure you're all holding your breath.

President Obama Reveals Communist Ideals With New Slogan.

Above is President Obama's new campaign slogan.  On the surface it means that he wants to take America and the American people forward.  By and large, I think we can all agree that this is a good thing.  Nobody wants to go backward. 

But what's the subtext?  That President Obama wants to take America and the American people forward?  No, no, no.  It's far more sinister.

Thankfully we have people in this country that know the true meaning of "forward", as well as what Obama's next move as president would be if he wins the 2012 election.  Just a note for all my conservative readers:  I'm being facetious in that last sentence.  Forward means forward and little else.