John Boner: Weeping Carrot-Man Or Pitiful Republican?

Awww, look at those sweet lil' puppy dog eyes...

It almost makes you forget that he believes carbon dioxide is

harmless because "we exhale it."

If you ask me, this guy is a walking talking joke.  It's pretty much why I've waited this long to write this post about him.  He's too easy.  Nothing I say is going to be original, in the sense that somewhere someone will have thought or said these criticisms already.  For example, his last name, "Boehner".  He insists on the pronunciation of "bayner", but phonetically, that's not how it should be pronounced.  Sure, if he's going by the german way of saying it, it's "bayner", but to us Americans, it's "boner".  Sorry, Mr. Boner, but being a Republican patriot like yourself, you should know that we here in America speak English, and I'll be damned if you go running around pronouncing your name like some fancy-pants European.

But the whole "Boner" joke has been done to death.  I'm sure my ten year old brother has seen his name on the news and made the same comment.  Also done to death?  His clear love of tanning.  I don't know if he's trying to beat out Snooki for "best fake tan" of the year, but I can honestly say that it won't be an award he'll win easily.  Oh, yeah and (Insert Snooki/Boehner/Oompa Loompa comparison here).  If an Oompa Loompa got his willy wonka'd (if ya know what I mean) by a New Jersey asshat, you'd get Snooki.  A redneck republican? Boehner.

So new House Majority leader, I have to admit something to you.  I did a bit of research on your career and... well, let's just say I've done more important things since I woke up this morning.  I don't know why you are politically relevant.  In all respects, you shouldn't be.  Really you're only known for being kind of a dick.  As a matter of fact, you even have your own "Dickipedia" entry.  No, that's not what you might be thinking it is.  It's just an online collection of really awful people.

Kudos, though, for your moving speech where you cried to incite sympathy amongst even those that didn't like you.  Oh, you want me to be more specific?  You know, the one where you were talking passionately and... the one where you were talking on 60 Minutes... Wow.  You cry a lot, man.  Far too much for any politician.  Soak up those tears, pussy.  At this point, no one loves you for showing your sentimental side.  We all got sick of it pretty quick.  I'm actually surprised your wife hasn't left you yet for someone more in touch with his masculinity... like Richard Simmons.  

Looks like someone has a new ad on the television!

Unfortunately, most Americans didn't see thorough these crocodile tears (and I mean that almost literally- DNA from his skin has shown that his grandfather was a gator from Florida that loved to eat poor people).  He was elected to a position that, quite frankly, he doesn't deserve.  

Tone down the "thug", Boehner.  That's a gavel, not a baseball bat.

In the end, if I'm being straight with you guys, I just have a personal issue with this man.  I feel as though if I were to meet him in real life, I would hate every second of every minute that he was near me.  Everything he would say would make me want to kick him in the crotch.  Even the look on his face would piss me off.  

I'm not saying I agree with his policies*- I totally don't.  He, like many of his fellow "extreme Republican-Conservatives", have absolutely nothing in common with 97% of Americans, and I don't feel like he could represent ten human beings, let alone an entire majority of Republicans in the House.  What it just plain boils down to is that I think John Boehner is a weepy little bitch that takes advantage of our emotions, our fears, and the sudden disadvantages of his fellow politicians.  He's more of a parasite than a human.

*Interestingly enough, when researching his campaign promises I found this little nugget that I thought was pretty ha-freakin'-larious:   "While most lawmakers are unable to follow through on every promise they make, it is uncommon for a politician to do the complete inverse of every promise they made.

"Thankfully," following the 2008 Presidential election, Boehner returned to his original stance against major government spending once it became politically convenient. While it's difficult to argue that he has displayed consistency in his Republican "beliefs," there is one position he has been able to stringently adhere to: being opposed to whatever the overwhelming public opinion supports at the time."

                                                                                                -Of course, I give credit when credit is due.