GOP: " 'No' Really Means 'Yes'... Just Don't Hit Her..."

"You've got a purty mouth..."

I really shouldn't need to write about something as obscene and ridiculous as this.  It goes,  I think, without saying that there are many in the Legislative Branch of our government who are completely insane.  For awhile, I was under the impression that they were the epitome of crazy.  When people said to me, "Those representatives in the Legislative branch are insane!" I would reply, "Yeah, well, at least they can't possibly get any crazier!"

Thank you, Republicans in the House of Representatives, for proving me wrong.  Thank you for breaking the barrier of insanity, and pushing the very limits of my "uh, what the fuck?" reflex.  

According to an article in "The Daily Beast", Republican/Conservative representatives in the House are trying to pass a bill called "The No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion Act" (known as H.R. 3).  I'll post the link to the article at the bottom, but for those of you that would rather not read another page (poor babies), I'll sum it up as best as I can without, I hope, plagiarizing the author.  

In 1976, a little thing called the "Hyde Amendment" banned federal funding for abortion.  For example, Medicaid would not cover a woman wishing to have one.  17 years later, Congress passed an exemption to the Hyde Amendment, saying that "pregnancies resulting from rape or incest" could still be funded by federal money.  My issue isn't with the Hyde Amendment.  

How To Make A "Call Of Duty" Game.

So badass.  He HAS to be American.

The Call of Duty franchise has really taken off, ever since the release of the fourth installation in the series "Modern Warfare".  Allow me to give a brief breakdown of the seven main games:

1) Call of Duty- A game about World War II.

2) Call of Duty 2- ... Another game about World War II.

3) Call of Duty 3- ... Really?  Another WWII game?

4) Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare- Ah, a breath of fresh air.  Wait... Middle-East conflict...Russia... isn't this a bit too soon?

5) Call of Duty 5: World at War- Uh, what the fuck?  World War II again? Oh, now I'm killing the Japanese and not the Nazis.

6) Call of Duty 6: Modern Warfare 2- So is this a continuation of the story line from the fourth game?

7) Call of Duty 7: Black Ops- Does the maker(s) of these games know how time works?

The games are published by Activision, and made by Infinity Ward and Treyarch.  IW and Treyarch seem to alternate making every other game, although I'm not sure why.  They all kind of turn out the same in the end.  So, I decided to start my own gaming company.  I thought this would be a huge investment, but I researched their techniques and found that everything I needed to create a war game was right here on my MacBook.  What did I title it, you ask?  Obviously the only thing I could title a game so badass.

KILL SHIT 2: YOU'RE AMERICAN AND NO ONE ELSE DESERVES TO LIVE.

You're also probably wondering why it's a sequel.  That's so people assume there was a first one, and it just had to have done well enough to deserve a second game.  But I learned a lot from the experience of making this epic tale of ass-kickery.  How could I possibly keep it all to myself?  Here are some pro-tips for all you would be game creators out there.

John Boner: Weeping Carrot-Man Or Pitiful Republican?

Awww, look at those sweet lil' puppy dog eyes...

It almost makes you forget that he believes carbon dioxide is

harmless because "we exhale it."

If you ask me, this guy is a walking talking joke.  It's pretty much why I've waited this long to write this post about him.  He's too easy.  Nothing I say is going to be original, in the sense that somewhere someone will have thought or said these criticisms already.  For example, his last name, "Boehner".  He insists on the pronunciation of "bayner", but phonetically, that's not how it should be pronounced.  Sure, if he's going by the german way of saying it, it's "bayner", but to us Americans, it's "boner".  Sorry, Mr. Boner, but being a Republican patriot like yourself, you should know that we here in America speak English, and I'll be damned if you go running around pronouncing your name like some fancy-pants European.

But the whole "Boner" joke has been done to death.  I'm sure my ten year old brother has seen his name on the news and made the same comment.  Also done to death?  His clear love of tanning.  I don't know if he's trying to beat out Snooki for "best fake tan" of the year, but I can honestly say that it won't be an award he'll win easily.  Oh, yeah and (Insert Snooki/Boehner/Oompa Loompa comparison here).  If an Oompa Loompa got his willy wonka'd (if ya know what I mean) by a New Jersey asshat, you'd get Snooki.  A redneck republican? Boehner.

Sarah Palin. Again.

Now, now, Sarah.  If anyone is awesome, it's me.

I don't feel like I can ever leave this woman alone.  You probably want to know why.  Let me be honest- I am aware that by continuing to acknowledge her existence, I'm doing nothing but throwing water on a grease fire.  Sure, the water is just making the flame larger but goddamn it, doesn't it just make sense to try and douse it with good ol' fashion H2O?  The problem is, more and more people are saying to ignore her (or, to throw sand on her) and hope that she'll go away.  But... she won't.  She is a fire that simply cannot be snuffed.  

That's why I propose that we try the one option that no one has dared to speak of- deprive Sarah Palin of oxygen.  Ever put a cover on a candle?  The fire burns off all of the oxygen and then just puffs out of existence.  And yes, I will indeed keep going with this metaphor because I think it's fantastic.

Have Some Friggin' Pride, Mainahs.

"Maine?  Isn't that in Canada?"

Despite the fact that 31% of my state is responsible for electing the biggest moron in government since George W. Bush, I can't simply back down and fall into embarrassed isolation.  While many people my age would refuse to admit it, there are a lot of things to be proud of about this state.  Sure, we don't have giant amusement parks or cities, tropical weather or a diverse population.  So what do we have?  Without further ado, I present my top ten reasons why being a "Mainah" is the shit.  Hold your applause to the end, please.  I hate being interrupted.  ...Oh, and these are in no particular order.

Some Insight Into My Life.

Remember me?  No?  Oh, well.... GET OVER HERE! ...

Please?

Okay, so my brief absence from writing is now, hopefully, over.  With the start of a new semester, and an overload of English classes, I will admit that I won't be writing as often as I was when I first started.  Go ahead, grab a tissue and wipe those tears out of your eyes.  Nobody likes a crybaby.  

In the last twenty-two days (holy shit, has it really been that long?), the world has officially lost it's mind without me.  Let's get those trumpets playing to announce my arrival, shall we?  Because even though I was away working on ending world hunger, acquiring civil rights for all, and talking down North Korea (yeah, that was me), the politicians of this country managed to convince themselves that they were the only people that mattered.