Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Apple Manufactures Phone Specifically For The Right-Wing.

I usually don't advertise for products on here, but I saw this one and couldn't help myself.  Apple calls it the Dumbphone, and it uses state of the art technology to filter out information based in reality and/or fact.  It also gives you first class access to applications not available to liberal smartphone users.

Go crazy with Glenn Beck TV!  Listen to the hollow, empty words of Rush "Blow Hard" Limbaugh!  Or get up to the minute false information on all current news stories with the Fox News app!  The Dumbphone contains so much ignorant power, you won't believe that it's all at your fingertips.

You see, Apple designed the Dumbphone with you -the right-wing user - in mind.  Why be exposed to the world of reality with a real phone when you can stay in your bubble, ever-connected to a conservative consciousness that is consistently reinforcing the fantasy in which you live?  Why think for yourself when you can have the Dumbphone do it for you? 

Check out these amazing new features, copied straight from the website:

*Call Screening: The Dumbphone will not accept calls, nor will it make calls, to anyone with an IQ of 75 or more, ensuring that those pesky liberal elite family members of yours will never call to pester you with the latest accomplishments of "Dear Leader Obama." 

*Gipr: Siri has been replaced for this model.  Introducing Gipr, the new Reagan-inspired Dumbphone assistant, capable of deciphering even the most incoherent of primitive command noises that come out of your mouth hole.

*Insult Generator: Did you leave your underground bunker and run into a liberal?  Is that liberal trying to argue with you by throwing well-informed facts in your face?  The Dumbphone has the answer!  With over one million randomly generated insults, the Dumbphone always has you prepared with a barrage of personal attacks that are guaranteed to stop any argument dead in its tracks, leaving you feeling satisfied with an unearned victory. 

*Concealed Weapon: The Dumbphone comes locked and loaded with six deadly 5.56 hollow point rounds cleverly disguised in a chamber behind the phone's camera.  Those government agents may think that you're just taking a picture of them stealing your guns and dragging your wife out into the street, but really you're getting ready to commit murder!  Just point and fire! *Flash not included.

*Edited History: The Dumbphone immediately censors any historical internet article, conforming it to right-wing philosophies.  Read the Right (pun intended!) version of the Constitution!  Learn how fast Jesus Christ could load a musket!  And read about how God Himself created the white race, Republicanism, and America all in His own righteous image. 

*Gaydar: Stay away from homosexuals forever with Gaydar, a motion tracker tuned to the genetic frequencies of those in the LGBT community.  Gaydar can also be tuned to hippies, liberals, drug-addicts, welfare recipients, vegans, foreigners, the U.N., atheists, Muslims, feminists, non-whites, non-Christians, San Francisco, elites, President Obama or (for all you ultra right-wingers out there) all of the above.

*Conservative's Guide to Sex: An entire one page article on sex, from how it works to the two positions you can have it in (missionary or abstinence). 

*Fuel Inefficient: The Dumbphone does not run on a liberal good-for-the-environment power source like a battery.  Whenever you want to recharge your phone, simply take it to the nearest gas station and fill it with diesel fuel.  It's recommended that you bring a spare tank with you, as the Dumbphone can only hold enough fuel to charge it for fifteen minutes.

*Bush Era Memory Wipe: The first time you sync the phone up with yourself, the Dumbphone selectively wipes your memory of President Bush's eight years in office, effectively freeing up your mind to attack the current state of the federal government without worrying about being a hypocrite.  You can also choose to erase any and all knowledge of what a hypocrite is (recommended).

*Easy to Fix: The Dumbphone is built piece by piece by non-union child factory workers in Taiwan, and Apple is passing those savings on to you!  If the Dumbphone breaks, all you have to do is take it apart, find the malfunctioning culprit, and replace it at 200% of the original cost of the piece.  Wow!

*Automatic Donations: 70% of your monthly bill is divided up equally and donated to Republican political races, Republican organizations such as the NRA, non-charity entities, and talking heads like Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, and more.

*EBook Reader: It doesn't come with one.

*Music: The Dumbphone comes preloaded with 30gb (of its total 32gb) of country, christian, and military music that can't be deleted.  Never feel unpatriotic again!

*Doubles as a Flag Pin: The back of the Dumbphone is graced with the American flag, while the front has two attachable, razor sharp hooks that pierce breast flesh with ease.  Never appear on television, radio, or in photos without it.

The Dumbphone, coming to you exclusively from Apple.  Just remember the motto: If ignorance is bliss, you'll be in Heaven with the Dumbphone.

To order your Dumbphone, check out Apple's website here.  This is a miracle piece of technology that all right-wingers should enjoy.  

*The Dumbphone is obviously not a real product, nor would Apple ever make such a thing.  This is a joke article.  I shouldn't have to write this disclaimer for something so painfully obvious, but I also don't want to get sued.  I found the image here, at Jobs Anger via Clay Bennett in the Chattanooga Times Free Press.  Great cartoon, Mr. Bennett!

**While the cartoon itself is not mine, the text describing the phone is.  Please respect my creative commons license when sharing this article. 

***Happy Birthday to me, bitches! 

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