Sunday, February 19, 2012

The War Against Women.

Women.  They've been a thorn in our testicles ever since the One True God created them out of our manly ribs.  They get us kicked out of paradise by eating that fucking apple, and then they have the ovaries to complain when God curses them with menstruation and painful childbirth.  Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, ladies.

~6,000 years later on the other side of the Earth, women start to argue that they have rights too - that they are, in fact, human beings, and not just our childbearing, child-raising, maids/nannies.  While the idea itself is, to this day, laughable at best, they somehow managed to convince those damned bleeding heart liberal jag-offs in Washington to let them vote in 1920.  

Okay, okay.  Being allowed to vote probably isn't that big of a deal.  It's not like we'll ever have a president with a vagina, right?  But then they start running for Congress, and here's where things get messy.  Why?  Because women have no right to dictate how us men run our lives, our country, and our money.  It's as simple as that.  

Now I know what some of you are thinking: "Duh!  Get to the point already!"

My point is that men should always be the dominate voice in government.  The Republican Party's foundation proves that.  A country isn't run with your heart or your brain.  It's run with your gut.  President Obama is a socialist pansy, too afraid to stand up to women in fear that Michelle will put his nuts in a vice.  Luckily for us pure-blooded, patriotic Americans, we have men like Eric Cantor, John Boehner, Darrell Issa, Mitch McConnell, and Rick Santorum to put those women back in their place - at the bottom.

In the last month, Republicans have kicked ass and taken names on the subject of huMAN rights.  Here's how:

 The All-Star Man Panel ("Manel")

1.) House Representative Darrell Issa Refused To Allow Women To Testify On Obama's Contraception Mandate.
Obviously.  What do women have to do with contraception?  Can they get themselves pregnant?  No.  Do they need birth control to survive?  No.  

2.) Iowa State Representative Kim Pearson Wages War Against Her Own Gender.

Representative Pearson introduced a bill that would make performing abortions a Class A felony punishable by life in prison with no parole.  The bill also uses the catchy new phrase "feticide."  Cute!

3.) Rick Santorum's Main Campaign Contributor Gives Friendly Advice To Women.

Foster Friess (not a Batman villain) dismissed the need for President Obama's contraception mandate by saying, "On this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so inexpensive. You know, back in my days, they used Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly."  While aspirin is not, in fact, a contraceptive, Friess was basically suggesting women play a game called, "Keep The Aspirin Up" where the goal is to keep your legs shut so the pill doesn't fall out from between your knees.  You whores.

4.) The Virginia House of Delegates Passes A Personhood Bill.

The bill gives fertilized eggs the same legal rights as human beings.  This just makes natural sense.  What if the egg is destined to be a man?  We should play it safe on this one.  

5.) South Dakota Republicans Introduce Bill That Makes Murdering Abortion Doctors Legal.

Another movement that makes perfect sense.  "Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" - so sayeth Hammurabi's Code.  Remember that one?  I do.  And if each fertilized egg is a person, that means doctors performing abortions are murderers.  "Do unto others, bitches" - so sayeth the Lord.

Listen guys.  Our society views women as these beautiful creatures that should be revered.  Why?  Men are beautiful too!  We're tall and masculine... we're positively brimming with testosterone... our muscles ripple beneath our tight shirts... our scent - a lovely mix of cologne, deodorant, after shave, body wash, shampoo, clean clothes, and ball sweat - assault the olfactory nerve like a bear giving a loving hug to its young... and nothing really beats snuggling up to a hairy, burly man just after coitus (am I right, fellas?!).

The Republicans mentioned above are, of course, correct (they're men, after all).  For women to believe that they should decide what laws, if any, affect their body is ridiculous.  As far as I'm concerned, anything that a penis can fit into can be ruled by man and man alone.  Furthermore, women should have their rights stripped (among other things, *wink*) away from them.  I believe that that will be the center issue in the elections this November.  My only criticism?  Instead of focusing on birth control and abortion rights, Republicans should have renewed this war on women by first dismantling the 19th Amendment.  Because if the ladies still have the right to vote in November, the right wing is so fucked.

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