Sunday, January 22, 2012

Rick Santorum's C.U.M. Movement.

When I woke up this morning, I had one thing on my mind: writing about education.  My first post, as you all have no doubt seen, was about Maine's governor demanding the legislature to cut MaineCare recipients (or face school closings).  My second post, currently in draft mode, is about President Obama's recent vetoing (technically) of Bush's No Child Left Behind Act.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I woke up, I had no idea that Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum would make my day and, really, my entire weekend.  In an effort to help fund his campaign, Santorum has decided to set up an online drive called "Conservatives Unite Moneybomb," or C.U.M.  I'll let that sink in for just a second (gross).

A man whose name is synonymous with a rather disgusting byproduct of anal sex is trying to raise money with C.U.M.

Okay, Rick.  I get the first two words: Conservatives Unite.  It has a force-to-be-reckoned-with ring to it.  But Moneybomb?  What the fuck does that mean?  I mean, I can imagine just what a money bomb is and everything, but just how does it fit after "conservatives unite"?  It doesn't! 

Rick Santorum is proving three things with this little fund-raising schtick:
 1- That he has no idea what an acronym is.
2- That he has no idea what C.U.M. is slang for.
3- That his campaign people have absolutely no idea how to come up with a good name for a fund-raising effort.   

Really, this post writes itself.  In the course of five short minutes, I've thought up dozens of jokes, and seen dozens more floating around the web.  Want just a few?

"Rick Santorum wants you to C.U.M.!"
"I suppose the good news is that he's raised over 1.6 million dollars.  That's a lot of C.U.M.!"
"Rick Santorum launches C.U.M!"
And "C.U.M. for Santorum!"

Not exactly creative, but hilarious nonetheless.  In the interest of not offending some viewers that do not know what that word means, but do know me personally, I'm not actually going to lay out the definition.  If you want to know (you've been warned!), look it up - without the periods in between each letter - on urban dictionary.

Actually, that's a horrible idea.  Do not google that word.  Please.

Fuck, and don't google that word with Santorum, even if your safe search is on.  I don't want to take any chances.  And trust me, you don't either.

  Now this is just poor arithmetic. 

Oh, and by the way, if you want to donate to Santorum's C.U.M., you can go here.  I can't imagine that link being active for too long, as Santorum was supposed to stop sometime on yesterday (the 21st).  Either way, the above banner is not photoshopped.  I lifted it right from the donation page.  

So, uh.... I cited your C.U.M. banner, Rick.

EDIT:  1/23/12...

I suppose I should have seen this coming (HAH!).  This post has become my most popular post almost overnight, attracting more than 400+ views in about 24 hours.  This is awesome.  I just wish the attention was under... different circumstances.  Here's a little sneak peek at search keywords that led people from google to my blog:

santorum cum
rick santorum cum
rick santorum c.u.m.
rick santorum's c.u.m.
santorum c.u.m.
santorum conservatives unite movement
michael bay worst director of all time
dog ass (One person searched for this and I am bewildered.  There isn't a single picture of a dog's ass on my site.  And why were you looking for a picture of a dog's ass, you fuck!?)

So, yeah.  I guess I can't look a gift horse in the mouth.  Thanks for making my blog post a big hit on Google!  Just do me a favor and keep reading.  I REALLY don't want to be known as the guy that wrote about Santorum's C.U.M., or the guy that was made famous by it. 

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