Friday, August 26, 2011

Pat Robertson is God's Weatherman.

I was originally going to do the Koch Brothers today in an attempt to go straight down the list over at Addicting Info, but the recent east-coast quake unearthed some hateful religious sediment that I couldn't ignore.

Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson is a televangelist and hardcore evangelical preacher that can be seen on his show The 700 Club.  He is also quite well known for being pure human garbage.  Just to refresh your memory, this is the guy that co-blamed the September 11th attack on "pagans, abortionists, gays, lesbians, and feminists" and said that Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment against the U.S. for our abortion policies.    

What really bothers me about Pat Robertson is that, despite his claims, he is not a Christian.  He just runs his show and says this awful bullshit for money.  Infamous quotes aside, Pat Robertson has more skeletons in his closet than could possibly fit.  

He claims on his own website that he was drafted into the marines for the Korean War (true) and that he was in charge of the First Marine Division at Heartbreak Ridge (false).  In reality, he was spared combat duty by a powerful senator that also happened to be his father.  Robertson never left Japan.  He was never in Korea.  He was, however, the "liquor officer" (which isn't nearly as fun as it sounds).  I'm not entirely sure why he would lie about his military service.  He should have stuck to being general with it.  Saying something like, "I was in the marines during the Korean War" would have totally worked better than lying.

In 1956, Robertson found God.  In the fifty-five years that have since passed, Robertson has formed a plethora of organizations, including the Christian Broadcasting Network (now known as ABC Family), International Family Entertainment Inc., the American Center for Law and Justice (which helps Christians fight back when their First Amendment rights have been violated, but no one else), the Christian Coalition, and even a university - Regent University in VA.  

He's also a strong supporter of Christian Dominionism.  Just thought I'd throw that out there.

In 1988, this freak of nature decided to run for President of the United States.  Taking things a big step beyond his fellow Republican candidates, Robertson wanted to, as president, ban pornography and eliminate the Department of Energy and the Department of Education.  

But none of this compares to my favorite part of this old bastard's life story.  In 1999, Robertson signed a a deal with then Liberian President and war-criminal Charles Taylor.  The deal allowed Robertson to own diamond and gold mines in Liberia.  Everyone, I think, is aware of how diamond and gold miners are treated in Africa (hint: very poorly).  Digging deeper, it was found that Pat Robertson told his 700 Club viewers that he had planes sending relief supplies to victims of the Rwandan Genocide when, in fact, those planes were going to Liberia with mining equipment.  It should be noted that Robertson later sent aid supplies to Rwanda, but only to avoid looking like a giant asshole.  

It gets worse.  When President Bush ordered Taylor to step down as President of Liberia, Robertson defended his business partner by saying that Bush was "undermining a Christian, Baptist President."  Interesting choice of words, Pat.  But I have to wonder if Taylor could be considered a Christian.  Here are just a few of the things Taylor did before and during his time as President of Liberia:

1) Terrorized the population to elect him.
2) Using the country's money as his own personal piggy bank.
3) Harbored Al-Qaeda forces.
4) Ordered human sacrifices for his victory in the civil war (pre-presidency).
5) Had a pregnant woman buried alive (pre-presidency).
6) Forced his soldiers to cannibalize the enemy in order to strike fear in their hearts (pre-presidency).
7) Oh yeah, and was a pretty strong supporter of using children as soldiers.

Sounds like a great Christian, Robertson.  If that is the litmus test that God is judging us on, well then I'm afraid most of us are going to Hell.  By saying Taylor is a Christian, Robertson proves just how little he actually knows about Christianity and, furthermore, makes us all wonder what other kind of shady shit Robertson is up to.

At any rate, what made me write this today instead of writing about the Koch Brothers (which will come soon, I promise) was the beautiful journey that Robertson took me on with his words, saying of Tuesday's east coast quake:

Ladies and gentlemen I don’t want to get weird on this so please take it for what it’s worth. But it seems to me the Washington Monument is a symbol of America’s power, it has been the symbol of our great nation, we look at that monument and say this is one nation under God. Now there’s a crack in it, there’s a crack in it and it’s closed up. Is that a sign from the Lord? Is that something that has significance or is it just result of an earthquake? You judge, but I just want to bring that to your attention. It seems to me symbolic. When Jesus was crucified and when he died the curtain in the Temple was rent from top to bottom and there was a tear and it was extremely symbolic, is this symbolic? You judge.

Please note that any sentence that starts with, "I don't want to get weird on this..." is going to get very weird very fast.  

It was an earthquake, not an event that can be likened to the death of Jesus Christ.  Two tectonic plates rumbled a bit, and caused the ground to shake.  The Washington Monument is an obelisk built in Washington D.C, an area not known for quakes.  As such, it probably wasn't built to withstand them as well as, say, an obelisk in California would.  Shit breaks, shit happens.  You judge.  

For more lovely and inspiring quotes from Robertson, scroll down a bit.  Other than that, I'm going to end this post here.  I hope you've gained some insight into the mind of a man that probably lost it a long time ago.  He has millions of viewers a day world wide, and yet he is allowed to spew such hateful bile and ignorant prophecies.  I bet that in his will, Robertson will admit that he was just in it for the money.  A true Christian would never buy a diamond mine worked with slave labor and, if he did, he'd give the money to the workers (who would, incidentally, not be slaves) and charities, not keep it for himself.  No Christian would defend Charles Taylor.  He is the self-made spokesman of a petty, hateful god that I don't believe exists, and he blames every natural disaster on gays, abortionists, and other ridiculous things that the real God (if there is one) probably wouldn't give two shits about.  

Ugh, enough of that.  I need some Tums.  Here are the quotes, taken from Political Humor for your viewing pleasure.  If you aren't drunk now, be prepared to want some serious boozage after reading these.  Note: I had to make them red so they would be easier to read.  They didn't copy and paste well.

10. "Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court." –Pat Robertson

9. "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." –Pat Robertson

8. "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you, This is not a message of hate -- this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor." –Pat Robertson, on "gay days" at Disneyworld

7. "(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." –Pat Robertson

6. "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period." –Pat Robertson

5. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there." --Pat Robertson, after the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial

4. "God considers this land to be his. You read the Bible and he says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.' ... He was dividing God's land. And I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.' God says, 'This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.'" --Pat Robertson, on why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke

3. "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –Pat Robertson, on nuking the State Department

2. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with." –Pat Robertson, calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

1. "It may be a blessing in disguise. ... Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other." –Pat Robertson, on the earthquake in Haiti that destroyed the capital and killed tens of thousands of people, Jan. 13, 2010


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